Walking the Line

I'm holed up in Alejandra's apartment right now. It's raining and cold here, even though I'm so much farther south, but I'm so glad to be here. Kevin keeps bothering me via text and internet, and though I'm reading his messages, I haven't replied to any. I did give in to the temptation to put one post on his wall, just one line that told him in more eloquent terms that I think he's fucking crazy. I should have known better. That resulted in several texts and a couple of obscenely long wall posts that I'll have to delete.

This week is for me to relax, party, be away from him and from Aiden, and have time to think. My mom, my two best girl friends, my best guy friend (who's not Aiden or Kevin) and Wren's mom have all told me, separately but unanimously, "Get away from him! Get out! Save yourself!"

I know that's what I have to do, and I'll force myself to do it...but Kevin is a salesman, and damn can he be convincing. The evidence and my friends all point to the fact that he's gone right off the deep end, but when he tells me it's not true, some part of me still wants to believe it. I know that leaving someone is never easy; I've done it before, and I made a huge mess last time that I would prefer not to repeat. I realize that we won't be able to be friends right away, if ever again, and I'm still a little stuck on that. He's fun to hang around with. He's one of my best friends.

But I can't have the boy and eat him too...well, both boys. Either boy, actually. If - no, not if, when - I leave Kevin, I'm not going to be able to have Aiden, either. I'm really going to be alone. While I have no problem with being alone, and I know it will be good for me, of course I'm still hesitating.

It's a really good thing I've gotten such amazing support and backup from my friends, because if I was dragging myself through this alone with no one else's opinion, I would probably have gone back to Kevin already. I would have let him tell me that whole hair thing was exactly what he said it was and nothing more, that he's still perfectly sane and always has been. He would even have convinced me that he neglected me for the last month (he's convinced that's why I cheated), instead of the truth, which is that he's smothering the hell out of me (that's more like the actual reason, among others).

This is such a hard line to walk, even knowing I have my amazing friends for support should I fall. The man I loved and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with on one side, and my freedom and sanity on the other. The choice may be obvious, but that doesn't make it easy.