Letter to Aiden

I finally dragged this out of me yesterday afternoon. I'm still trying to set up a meeting so I can give it to him and watch him read it. The part I am most concerned with at this point is the P.P.S., for obvious reasons. He called me this morning from the office, but I ignored it, because I'm not playing that game anymore.

Dear Aiden:

Writing letters normally comes very easily to me, but this one has already been several days in my head and I’m still struggling with it. Part of me is sorry, for you, that you’re reading this letter, because it’s certainly not going to make things any easier. Part of me is also grateful, though, that I’m giving up the only secret I’ve been keeping. I’m bitter, and angry as a result of that, and I’ve given up trying to decide whether you “deserve” to have me take my temper out on you. I haven’t said anything before this because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, but I’m glad I got away this week – it gave me a chance to figure out what was really going on in my head and how to say it.

Even when some people were doing their best to convince me that you are a liar, a player, and a con artist, I had all the faith I needed in you that I didn’t believe them. Now, however, purely out of the things that have happened between you and me, and not from anything they said, I’m starting to doubt myself.

It was about three weeks ago now that you expressed a worry that I might break your heart “into a million little pieces.” I told you that I’m not a heartbreaker and you had nothing to worry about. I went on to say that if anyone was in a position to be the heartbreaker, it was you, because my relationship would require fewer technicalities to get out of than yours would.
You told me you’ve been miserable as long as you’ve been with Lily. You said you didn’t want to work things out with her, and that what happened between you and me was a catalyst for getting out of your relationship with her, as it was for me getting away from Kevin. She told me, as well, that she didn’t want you back, not that I would ever hold her to her word. You even once asked, “Can I keep you?” to which I replied “yes,” and I meant it.

Then you called me to tell me that your relationship with her is suddenly the best it’s ever been and implied that you couldn’t be happier. Why did you tell me that? Did it not occur to you that it might hurt me in any way to hear that? This is where my doubt starts to creep in. The evidence, and not the words of angry people that aren’t worth listening to, now points in a direction that suggests you may have been lying. Did you honestly think that I could snap back to being just friends with you, like nothing ever happened, in a matter of a few days?

The two sides of me are fighting right now, the side that wants to stand up, be strong, and walk away, and the side that is cowering on the floor with my heart in pieces. My instincts have been alarming lately in the number of things they’ve been right about, and it turns out I was right once again. You are the heartbreaker, not me.

A friend of mine, who I shall refer to simply as Z, warned me when this whole thing began between you and me that “9 times out of 10 the married guy will go nowhere and quickly.” I dismissed it as the paranoid ramblings of someone with past bad experiences, but now I have to go back and tell Z that he was right.

Was it your intention from the start to go running back to the safety of your family as soon as things went sour? Do you really lie that well, or did you chicken out at the last minute? I’ve done what I said I would. I took advantage of the catalyst to get out of my current relationship, and even though he is leaning hard on me to come back, I’m going through with moving. Yes, it’s difficult. But I’m not afraid to face things that are hard and rise above them, just like I’ve always said I would.

You told me last week that, “This could have been so much harder. I could have fallen in love with you.” Well, here’s what it all comes down to: you’re a lucky fucking bastard to be able to say that. It was already too late for me, and that’s actually what I had set out to tell you that morning when I told you we needed to talk. After all the gossip and dramatic crap began, I decided to wait on the words, but my feelings didn’t change. I wish to hell that somehow they had, but no one’s heart listens to their head.

I can’t just be friends with you. I said I could because I hoped it was true, but I was wrong. If you’re really going to stay with Lily, I have to tell you to get the hell out of my life and let me put back together what little I have left and start over with the rest. And though my head knows I shouldn’t say this, my broken heart demands that I do: if not, I’m here.
I love you. And for that, I hate you with everything I have.

~Blue

P.S. Oh, and this whole stupid thing with the phone calls? Fucking tell Lily that you called me first, because if she ever asks me, I will. Don’t make me look like the agressor when I haven’t started one single conversation that you and I have had, via any medium, in the last week. When we got called on the lying, I took the opportunity to come clean. I have not been hiding the fact that we are still friends, and I refuse to. I’m done with lying, dishonesty, and telling different stories to different people. I’m already on the verge of losing a whole lot of respect for you, what I haven’t lost already, and that is just unnecessarily low. If you want to talk to me, just call me, and don’t ask me to call you to make it look good. I won’t.

P.P.S. This is getting obnoxious, but I heard something else about you. “Lily forced him to log into Facebook and she found several other women he was exchanging erotic messages with, 4 or 5, all local girls. There were talks of meeting up and dates set on a few that were toward the end of that week.”

You told me there was only one other, Elaine, and you’d never met up with her, and that was a while ago. Who are these other girls? Why didn’t you tell me about them? This is leading me to mistrust every single word you’ve said to me, and I’m considering deleting any parts of the above letter that make it look like you may have played me successfully…but in the interests of honesty and completeness, I won’t. I’ve already layed everything I have on the line here, and I will do anything it takes to get to the truth. What I want is answers to my questions. Don’t try to make yourself look good, I don’t care anymore – though I’m not erasing it, I am rescinding the bit about still being here for you, so making yourself look good will get you absolutely nothing.

I only want to know what you lied about and why. This is your opportunity to come clean. I hope you will.