The Unexpected Revelation

I met with Aiden again on Wednesday afternoon. I watched him cross the street, and as soon as he reached me, he handed me a letter.

"Uh oh," I said with a laugh. We went and sat in my car while I read it.

(sic) again for everything in italics.

Skylar,

Again this is coming out with no filters. Normally that doesn't happen for me. I don't share my feeling or express what's going on in my head. For some reason I feel I can share myself with you like this. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse.
Damn it I hate this. Nothing I am going to do or say is going to make anything any better and will just make things worse. At least I hope it serves as some clarification. Who knows but here we go. I will begin meeting with a therapist on Friday 3/26 I hope I can sort out some of what goes on in my head. I certainly hope it will help.
Here I am.. I'm not supposed to talk to you as I"m trying to work things out with my wife. Yet I can't get you out of my head. She says perhaps down the road she will be ok with us being friends but for right now she can not deal with even the thought of you and I talking. So much so that she freaked out about me trying to create a shift exchange group of which you would be a member.
So what am I doing? I'm sneaking around to secretly meet you. Writing long letters and tearing myself apart. I simply can not stop thinking about you. I don't know what to do. Lily does not know if she will ever be able to trust me again after what I did. Even if she does I don't know what will happen. I'm trying to figure out what I want. We recently had a "honeymoon" period that really seemed like things were going to be looking up. For that I was hopeful. Aiden deserves to have his parents try to make it work. Will that continue? I have no idea.
I know I need to be happy. You have made me happier that my words can say. When I asked "If I could keep you" I meant it from the depths of my heart. I adoe you. If I could think only and entirely of myself I could not bear to let you go. I beam when I am with you. I smile simply thinking about you. You delivered joy back into my life. Having you unwilling to even look at me clawed my heart to bits. When I told you things were looking up with Lily , my happiness is that Aiden may have a better shot. I owe it to him to try to make things work between his mother and I. As I said I need to be able to tell him I tried my hardest to make it work.
I am torn between my desires and the needs o fmy child. I know Aiden deserves better than I have recently provided him. One of my great worries is that Lily is going to decide to use Aiden as a pwn against me even if it is not actually intentional. I worry that if I do walk away that she is going to tell Aiden that I gave up on our family and that I gave up on him. I don't know what to do about that as I can not bear the thought of losing my child. Lily knows this. She is very hurt by what I have done.
That is whats causing my "Spinning". It's sort of like being drunk and not knowing where equilibrium is.

I never set out to break your heart, or mine... I made an amazing mess and now we are all trying to pick up the pieces.

I lied to you. But I did out out of an vain attempt to keep both of us from getting hurt worse. I utterly failed in that. I lied to you because I was lying to myself. The afternoon I told you it could have been worse, really, it was worse. I wanted to tell you how I really felt. I was falling deeply in love with you. I hid the truth from you on that and as you came clean I feel I should as well. It was not fair of me to obfuscate my feelings even if I did do it with the best of intentions. I'm crazy about you. You grabbed my heart. You woke me up. You made me feel. You make me WANT to be romantic. The friends of mine I told were DUMBFOUNDED that anyone had inspired me to be even slightly romantic. Normally I'm romantic only at the end of a threat, both Lily and Giselle would attest to that. My connection ith you is something else entirely. I hid what was going on in my heart because in my head I did not want to make an already difficult situation more unbearable. What I was feeling I could not admit to myself. I had been hoping for your sake your feelings had not grown as deep as mine. I thought telling you how I really felt what have caused you more pain. I was wrong and for that I am sorry. One thing I will never be sorry about thought is how you have touched my life and my soul. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. As I have said on several occasions my connection with you transcends the physicality. No doubt I have experienced raging passions for you and our chemistry is awe inspiring but I also found great calm peace and bliss simply drifting off in your arms. Looking deep in to your beautiful eyes and and drinking you in. I dreamt of falling asleep with you in my arms and lazy mornings. My dreams are filled with tender moments with you, ot just flashes of heat and passion. In a different circumstances I would have completely fallen head over heels in love with you... I know because I was tumbling down that path. Knowing this is going to just make things so much worse isn't it? Just exactly what I was hoping to avoid.

Why do you think it is that I keep contacting you despite knowing the risk? I hold you with such esteem and regard that I can't bear the thought of the pain and hurt I have caused you. I look for hwatever I can do to right the wrongs that I have inflicted on you and your life. What I did was not fair. I hope eventually I can make things right with you. Yet despite the pain I have caused you, you are still willing to call me friend. You amaze and astonish me. Thank you for touching my life.

Still Humbled

Aiden

"Did you really believe me when I said that?" he asked, referring to when he told me that things could have been worse.

"I was a little puzzled by it," I said slowly, trying to think back to what exactly I had believed, "But I just assumed you were telling the truth."

"Well, now you know."

"Thank you."