Musings on Friendship

Yesterday wasn't such a good day...almost as soon as I woke up, Kevin started saying that he was concerned about me. The conversation continued after I took a shower, as we went to lunch, and before I left for work. I can't possibly relay the entire thing, and I wouldn't subject you to such even if I could, but I'll lay out the essential points.

He's noticed I've been distant/stressed/distracted lately. He's concerned about me and about our relationship. He doesn't want to lose me. He wants to be sure that firstly, I still love him, and secondly, I'm still in love with him.

The part that bothered me the most, though, was what he said about his ex (the one I mentioned that makes me look like an angel). "She got to the point where she had to be drunk to have sex with me...she let that slip one night." In all of the less-than-honest things I've done over the last month or so, that is poignantly the most guilty I've felt about any of them yet. He noticed that the last two times we had sex I was shitfaced-drunk; I'd hoped he wouldn't figure it out, but I should've known better. He knows me too well.

I didn't really commit to the conversation one way or the other. I know the "bigger person" thing to do would have been to own up at least to not being so head-over-heels into him anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I went to work in the afternoon feeling like the scum of the earth, hating myself and everything about me, berating myself for everything I've done lately. I tried to put a good face on, but when the manager came up to me, gave me a pat on the back and told me to "Keep your chin up!", I realized I wasn't doing so well.

Fortunately, it was a rocking busy night, and eventually I got distracted enough to cheer up into my usual image. I did well in tips, and by the time I left I was feeling slightly less shitty, though still not great. I had managed over the course of the day to shake myself into doubting my entire life, especially both of my relationships. I drove home in a funk, unsuccessfully trying to shake it by singing loudly, took a shower and went to bed.

I was in a better frame of mind this morning, mostly because I was too exhausted to feel much emotion. Having not left work until 2am, daylight savings time meant that I got about six hours of sleep before going back to work again at noon today. "Spring forward" is my enemy right now.

Aiden and I were working the same shift today for the first time since the Thursday night of fireworks. Having worked myself into such a negative attitude the day before, I wasn't sure how I was going to react to seeing him; but as soon as he started joking around with me like usual, I relaxed. I was standing in the small area surrounding the computer in the back of the house when he came in and gave me a friendly shove. I shoved back, he shoved back, and I bounced off the trash can and just about fell on my ass. Startling myself, I let loose and laughed hysterically, and suddenly everything was better again.

We managed to leave at the same time, and drove around the parking lot to a corner hidden between two enormous snowbanks. He joined me in my car and I left the stereo on as we kissed and talked and laughed. I swear I hadn't set the music especially for the occasion, but it certainly seemed appropriate...

Cause baby we'll be
At the drive-in
In the old mans ford
Behind the bushes
'til I'm screamin' for more
Down the basement
Lock the cellar door
And baby
Talk dirty to me

He looked at the radio, looked at me, raised an eyebrow, and I melted into hysterics again. He has a way of putting this huge, silly smile on my face and of making me laugh no matter what's on my mind.

We agreed again that we want to be friends forever no matter what else happens. I also managed to simultaneously figure out my biggest hesitation in breaking up with Kevin and explain it to Aiden, which is a huge feat for me.

"I'm not interested in him romantically anymore," I said, "But we're still friends. I have a bad history of being friends with my exes - it never works, none of them will speak to me. I still like him as a friend, and that's my biggest holdup here. I know we probably won't be friends after I leave."

I feel somewhat better for having figured that out. The things that are driving me crazy about Kevin are things that I can't tolerate in a relationship, but would be fine with in a "just friend." If I knew that we could maintain our friendship after a breakup, or have some time apart and come back to each other as friends, I would be much more okay with this. But I have yet to have any success at all in being friends with an ex, and I can't stand the thought of losing Kevin as a friend.