Wacko Weekend

The world turned upside-down again this weekend. I don't mean to sound surprised...I don't expect anything less of it these days. It's almost become a form of entertainment, just watching my life to see what else can possibly happen. Almost.

Friday night I agreed to hang out with Kevin. We went to dinner with the idea of playing pool afterward, but dinner ended up being horribly awkward and I pretty much told him, in politer terms, to leave me the hell alone and stop hounding me. I chose to skip the pool afterward because my mood was crashing fast and I wanted to get out of there. On the drive back to the house so I could get my car, he said, "Fine, I'll be your friend."

"You don't have to if you don't want to," I said, well aware that it probably wouldn't work anyway. I drove back to Wren's house in a nasty funk, feeling like I'd been unnecessarily rude to him, but lacking a better way to get the point across.

Saturday I worked until 3:30, then called him afterward to see if he wanted to do lunch. I felt bad for how the previous night had gone, and though it wasn't in my plans to actually apologize, I wanted to at least try to make it up. I didn't want him thinking I was angry with him, because I wasn't. I just don't express my thoughts well in person.

When I reached the house, he was working on his new-old motorcycle, and I held the new carb intake boots in place while he finished attaching them. Then I took a shower and we went to lunch. I have honestly no idea what had changed between that afternoon and the night before, but lunch was actually a pleasant experience. After we ate, he let me drive the truck up the mountain - the same place I got my car stuck with Aiden, except in the truck we went all the way to the top. He's teaching me how to properly go muddin'. I want to run the Baja 1000 someday.

We made it to the top with no problems, the formerly blue truck now entirely brown. We wandered around for a few minutes, enjoying the view of the valley, then walking back to the cell towers and laughing about the time we fucked up there and almost got caught by a family of hikers. As we were walking back to the truck, he pulled me into a hug. It was nice being up there in the peace and quiet, in weather that was finally nice, in a hug that felt comfortable. He tried to kiss me, and I ducked away, but some part of me tried not to.

We got back in the truck and I drove back down the mountain, then went and found more mud out by the old train switching station. I learned why you close the windows when you go bombing through mud like that: otherwise it gets IN the truck and not just ON the truck. Fortunately it was mostly on me and not the upholstery.

When we got back to the house, I curled up on the couch, Kevin curled up behind me, and we fell asleep for several hours. A little while after that, I found myself naked in his bed...honestly, I don't know what changed in my head to make me do that. It was a disaster anyway. Normally, Kevin is what most women wish they had in bed - he gets hard before his clothes are even off, lasts for hours, and can multiple-orgasm five times in a row. What can I say, I've been spoiled...so when he couldn't get it up no matter what I did, couldn't get it in, and lasted about thirty seconds, it didn't go over too well with me.

He said that he was out of practice (which surprised me) and nervous (which I didn't understand). I gave him a few minutes to explain, but when nothing made sense and I still felt used and insulted, I finally left. I was on my way back to Wren's, but somehow I ended up back at the bar in town with Kevin. We said nothing of what had just happened, but drank and shot pool and joked with the yokels, and I snuggled with the bar cat when he came and settled down on my jacket. After that we went to get dinner at my diner, then went to another bar and played more pool and air hockey until close. I spent the night in his house, in his bed, curled up in his arms.

The next morning we tried the sex thing again...it went even worse than the night before. I had told myself I wouldn't try again, but you know how well promises like that hold up when you're not getting any. We drove to Wren's house so I could pick up my schoolbooks and computer and then came back down. I made plans with him to go to a movie and have dinner that night, but when Wren called and invited me to go out with her and some other people and I looked bummed, Kevin told me to go with them instead.

So I went to a movie with Wren and her boyfriend, and her friend Shannon and her boyfriend. Aiden called me halfway through, and though I wanted to talk to him, I shut my phone up and put it away. As we were leaving I texted him a question mark, and he immediately called me back.

"So, I guess you got some interesting messages on Facebook," he said.

"I haven't been on in a couple of days," I answered. "What are you talking about?"

"I forgot to log off," he explained, sounding utterly miserable. "Lily went through my profile and read my messages. Listen, if I'm going to work on my marriage, I need some space..." He went on like that for a few more minutes until I told him I had to go. Disconcerted, mentally fucked up and steaming mad, I drove to Kevin's to pick up my books, then back to Wren's for the night.

As I'd guessed, Lily had used Aiden's account to send me a couple of really unnecessarily inflammatory and insulting messages, which I read and then ignored. After talking with Wren for a while, I calmed down enough to sleep.

I worked lunch again the next day, and I was in the kitchen when the bartender found me and said, "You just got seated. Somebody specially requested your section."

"Of course he did," I said, knowing it was Kevin. I hadn't told him the night before what had happened, because I hadn't had the words, and he was worried about me. I explained the short version, leaving out the part where Aiden and I were sort of dating again, and just saying that Lily had flipped out that we were talking at all.

"See, that's why I won't talk to them anymore," he said, like he was vindicated.

When I got out of work I had a text from my mom saying to call her immediately, which is never a good sign. Upon doing so, I was informed that my grandmother had died. That's the fifth death in my family in the last six months. I'm almost getting used to this.

I went to do laundry, and Kevin met me there when he got out of work. While waiting for the clothes to dry, he took me out for a drink. One of his friends called and he ignored it, but when he said the guy probably wanted to play pool, I told him to call back. I had homework, but it wasn't going to get done; I needed to get out and have some fun. So after dinner we met his friend Rizz at a taproom a few towns over and drank and shot pool. Rizz and I got along great, and it was the most fun I've had in a while. When Rizz left, Kevin and I went downstairs and I sang karaoke.

I stayed at the house again last night. I don't know where this is going, but I've agreed that we're "casually dating," though I've also made it quite clear that I'm living on my own and not moving back in. What I don't know is whether this is the real thing or just a honeymoon phase, a short spike of excitement due to having been apart for a month that's going to fade out again soon.

And as for Aiden, I know those weren't his words. He only told me that to appease Lily, but what he doesn't realize is that he's fucking with the wrong broad. He tried to call me at least eight times today, all of which I studiously ignored. Then he messaged me, and I ignored that too. He says he's got a letter for me, but he can go set that letter on fire and shove it. He told me to get lost, and he better have meant it, because that's what I'm doing. He won't find my car to leave that letter on if I can help it, and he sure as hell won't hear from me.

I know he misses me, and I want him to hang and twist and experience lasting and excruciating pain. Hey, I never said I was nice. At least I'm honest.

The Unexpected Revelation

I met with Aiden again on Wednesday afternoon. I watched him cross the street, and as soon as he reached me, he handed me a letter.

"Uh oh," I said with a laugh. We went and sat in my car while I read it.

(sic) again for everything in italics.

Skylar,

Again this is coming out with no filters. Normally that doesn't happen for me. I don't share my feeling or express what's going on in my head. For some reason I feel I can share myself with you like this. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse.
Damn it I hate this. Nothing I am going to do or say is going to make anything any better and will just make things worse. At least I hope it serves as some clarification. Who knows but here we go. I will begin meeting with a therapist on Friday 3/26 I hope I can sort out some of what goes on in my head. I certainly hope it will help.
Here I am.. I'm not supposed to talk to you as I"m trying to work things out with my wife. Yet I can't get you out of my head. She says perhaps down the road she will be ok with us being friends but for right now she can not deal with even the thought of you and I talking. So much so that she freaked out about me trying to create a shift exchange group of which you would be a member.
So what am I doing? I'm sneaking around to secretly meet you. Writing long letters and tearing myself apart. I simply can not stop thinking about you. I don't know what to do. Lily does not know if she will ever be able to trust me again after what I did. Even if she does I don't know what will happen. I'm trying to figure out what I want. We recently had a "honeymoon" period that really seemed like things were going to be looking up. For that I was hopeful. Aiden deserves to have his parents try to make it work. Will that continue? I have no idea.
I know I need to be happy. You have made me happier that my words can say. When I asked "If I could keep you" I meant it from the depths of my heart. I adoe you. If I could think only and entirely of myself I could not bear to let you go. I beam when I am with you. I smile simply thinking about you. You delivered joy back into my life. Having you unwilling to even look at me clawed my heart to bits. When I told you things were looking up with Lily , my happiness is that Aiden may have a better shot. I owe it to him to try to make things work between his mother and I. As I said I need to be able to tell him I tried my hardest to make it work.
I am torn between my desires and the needs o fmy child. I know Aiden deserves better than I have recently provided him. One of my great worries is that Lily is going to decide to use Aiden as a pwn against me even if it is not actually intentional. I worry that if I do walk away that she is going to tell Aiden that I gave up on our family and that I gave up on him. I don't know what to do about that as I can not bear the thought of losing my child. Lily knows this. She is very hurt by what I have done.
That is whats causing my "Spinning". It's sort of like being drunk and not knowing where equilibrium is.

I never set out to break your heart, or mine... I made an amazing mess and now we are all trying to pick up the pieces.

I lied to you. But I did out out of an vain attempt to keep both of us from getting hurt worse. I utterly failed in that. I lied to you because I was lying to myself. The afternoon I told you it could have been worse, really, it was worse. I wanted to tell you how I really felt. I was falling deeply in love with you. I hid the truth from you on that and as you came clean I feel I should as well. It was not fair of me to obfuscate my feelings even if I did do it with the best of intentions. I'm crazy about you. You grabbed my heart. You woke me up. You made me feel. You make me WANT to be romantic. The friends of mine I told were DUMBFOUNDED that anyone had inspired me to be even slightly romantic. Normally I'm romantic only at the end of a threat, both Lily and Giselle would attest to that. My connection ith you is something else entirely. I hid what was going on in my heart because in my head I did not want to make an already difficult situation more unbearable. What I was feeling I could not admit to myself. I had been hoping for your sake your feelings had not grown as deep as mine. I thought telling you how I really felt what have caused you more pain. I was wrong and for that I am sorry. One thing I will never be sorry about thought is how you have touched my life and my soul. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. As I have said on several occasions my connection with you transcends the physicality. No doubt I have experienced raging passions for you and our chemistry is awe inspiring but I also found great calm peace and bliss simply drifting off in your arms. Looking deep in to your beautiful eyes and and drinking you in. I dreamt of falling asleep with you in my arms and lazy mornings. My dreams are filled with tender moments with you, ot just flashes of heat and passion. In a different circumstances I would have completely fallen head over heels in love with you... I know because I was tumbling down that path. Knowing this is going to just make things so much worse isn't it? Just exactly what I was hoping to avoid.

Why do you think it is that I keep contacting you despite knowing the risk? I hold you with such esteem and regard that I can't bear the thought of the pain and hurt I have caused you. I look for hwatever I can do to right the wrongs that I have inflicted on you and your life. What I did was not fair. I hope eventually I can make things right with you. Yet despite the pain I have caused you, you are still willing to call me friend. You amaze and astonish me. Thank you for touching my life.

Still Humbled

Aiden

"Did you really believe me when I said that?" he asked, referring to when he told me that things could have been worse.

"I was a little puzzled by it," I said slowly, trying to think back to what exactly I had believed, "But I just assumed you were telling the truth."

"Well, now you know."

"Thank you."

First Letter from Aiden

This is the letter that Aiden left me. There are too many typos to include (sic) on every one; I typed it perfectly verbatim.

Dear Skylar,

Sitting at my desk I had a chance to reread the letter you had written me. Following our conversation and with a bit more time to reflect I truely felt I needed to give you a more complete response. I'm not going to try and say the right things, not going to try to make myself look good or any such nonsense. I am going to write this as a stream of consiousnes so please forgive me for they typos, but I want to be open. There is just no easy way to write a letter like this, or if there was I certainly do not know it. You never deserved to be hurt by me, or anyone else. At no point did I ever intend to string you along, "play you" or toy with your emotions. As I have said to you on numerous occasions it had been a VERY long time since I had developed an real close friends. With you I found myself developing a profound and powerful connection. I opened myself to you in ways that were very foreign to me. I am very angry with myself for damaging though I hope not destroying the friendship and trust that you shared with me. I care for and value my friends and they deserve far better than you have recieved from me.

You succeed in making my heart sing, you got me to open up and share my feelings. You know I had not always been miserable with Lily. My relationship with her got off to a good start but over the course of almost 9 years we had grown apart, were barely speaking, and as she herself said she considered us housemates and barely even friends. You came into my life as a shining light. Your smile lit up my day and my universe. Even my mother had commented on how much more cheerful I had become. I blamed it on enjoying my new job but she saw right through that. My mother knew that my new friend Blue had awakened something inside of me that had lain dormant for a long time. When I said in front of Kevin and Lily that everything romantic between y ou and I was finished we both new that was lip service to appease both of them. The day that I told Lily of our involvement I was ready to walk out the door and away from her. In the following days something changed between Lily and I. I realized I owed my son better. I needed to try with everything I ahd to try and work through things with Lily for his benefit. Somewhere in that decision things changed with Lily and the channels of communication opened and with it I found a possibility to make things work. Lily recently wrote a Myspace post in which she talked of feeling betrayed by me for my actions. One of the pieces she brings up in it is the fact that my father left his first wife and spent the rest of his life trying to repair the damaged relationships with his children. That part truely resonated with me. My son does and will always come first in my life. I bear complete and total responsibility in all my actions to him. I owe it to him to try and make things work with his mother. I have no idea what will happen between Lily and I in the future, but I need to be able to tell my son I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work with his mother.

Do you know why I told you that if things did not work out with Lily I wanted us to work on our friendship first and not allow ourselves to be swept directly into a romantic relationship? I cherish my friendship with you. I have deep admiration for the person that you are and the person I know you are yet to become. I am not good at this... I am at a loss as to what to do now. I know that I need to respect whatever decisions you m ake regarding any future interactions with me. And while it will pain me deeply if you need to hate me I will understand it and I deserve it. I never meant to hurt you, but now that I have I must do what I can to make it right.

I'm getting kicked out of the office now so I am going to have to call this complete, though it is far from it.

I thought it important to get some of the thoughts slipping through my head down for you or for me to read. I'm going to tuck this on your windshield.
I hope I am not making things more difficult for you. I've already caused you far too much heartache. I am going to try to make things work with my family.
You are an amazing person who I have great respect for and will always have a very special place in my heart. Again, I want to help heal the hurt I have caused you and will do what I can in my power to do so.

Humbly and with great respect

Aiden G

I sent him a reply on Facebook that night.

Thank you for your letter, and for listening to me and being so patient with me today. I'm not angry anymore...I was, very much so, but it was mostly due to believing the newest in the string of rumors. I could say I should have known better, but I don't know what to believe anymore.

Anyway, I'm not angry, and I don't hate you. I know I said I did, and it's the way I felt at the time. But the bottom has fallen out of my energy to go on being angry - it really takes a lot to maintain that level of hate and madness. I'm not the sort that holds grudges.

I'm left with being hurt, but I'm not looking for an apology; you've already said that, and it's my fault as much as yours that we are where we are now. I don't know what to do now any more than you do, and I don't know how to figure it out. If it's possible, I'd like to salvage a friendship...but at the very least, it's going to take some work, and at the most, I'm afraid it will be quite a while before it's possible. I don't know where in that spectrum we'll actually land.

All I know is right now I want to curl up in a ball and cry and magically get a new life. You have probably noticed about me that it's rare I will ever say anything like that, to anyone. It's a sign that some part of me deep down somewhere still wants to trust you. All I can say now is to repeat myself again: I don't know where to go from here, what to do. I have truly no idea.

Oh, and one question: when you said earlier that you were "spinning," what exactly did you mean? I didn't get the chance to ask.

Two days after this, we met up again and he gave me another letter. That one contained an unexpected, though not entirely surprising revelation. Coming soon to a blog near you!

Heart-Shaped Glasses

Any of you who read my letter to Aiden are aware that I was ripshit angry when I wrote it. I had originally planned to tell him to get out of my life and then, if he wanted a reason, give him the option of reading the letter (but recommend against it). However, when I heard the rumor that lead me to write the P.P.S. about the other girls he was stringing along, I decided he wasn't going to get a choice.

I met him in town on Tuesday afternoon in the pizza parlor. We sat at the counter that faces out the window. I plunked the letter in front of him with a flourish, then mowed through two pieces of pizza with a force while he read it and reread it. I don't usually eat that much or that fast, but it kept me from having to look awkward about not looking at him. I have trouble communicating face to face sometimes, which is why I like to write letters when I have something important to say. The only way I can talk about difficult subjects in person is if I'm not looking at the person I'm having the conversation with.

So I stared out the window and chewed while Aiden read and then started talking. I'll spare the details, but the end result was not at all what I had expected. I'd been expecting some kind of showdown, an ugly and messy end, something absolutely fitting for the little hell we've created. Instead, he explained that Lily's accusation was a partial misinterpretation of something I already knew: he writes erotic stories and shares them with his friends. He even offered me his password to Facebook so that I could poke around in his messages and see that he was telling the truth. He's never met any of the friends he's shared his stories with except for me.

As for everything else I'd written, he apologized profusely; and though that's probably what you were expecting to hear, I can only tell you that no one acts that well. I looked at him just long enough to get a read on his expression, and the amount of pain in his eyes was truly startling. When he was done talking, I sat and stared through the window, my head spinning, trying to think of something to say.

"My life has become a mess of people I miss but can't trust," I finally said, and suddenly I was crying. He pulled me into a hug, and I held tightly to his arm, trying to control myself. Finally I took a deep breath and rested my elbows on the countertop, my head in my hands.

After a few minutes we left and walked up the street to my car, as I had to be at work. I watched him as I drove away, walking around the commons talking to Lily on his cell phone, and sang along to my stereo...

"Don't break, don't break my heart,
And I won't break your heart-shaped glasses..."

When I returned to my car after working dinner shift, there was a letter tucked under the windshield wiper. I forced myself to drive back to Wren's, shower, and get ready for bed before reading it. I'll post it when I have the chance.

"I've got mood poisoning,
It must be something that I hate..."

TMI Wednesday (oops)

So I fail at being timely. Oh well.

1. Ever Googled a date, a potential date or an ex?
I searched an ex, but only turned up one thing and it was totally boring.

2. Do you gossip?
I try not to. I hate gossip.

3. How many people do you completely trust?
Hard to say right now...I know I do trust my mom, Wren, and Even.

4. Have you ever had sex in car?
Yep, back when I was with my female ex from high school. We did it behind the movie theater!

5. What is your best flirting technique: innuendo, telling a dirty joke, talking about sex life, or physical contact?
Definitely innuendo. When my mind is in the gutter, I can turn anything at all into a sexual reference.

Bonus (as in optional): How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period?
At least 5...there was this camping trip...that tent got a lot of exercise.

Letter to Aiden

I finally dragged this out of me yesterday afternoon. I'm still trying to set up a meeting so I can give it to him and watch him read it. The part I am most concerned with at this point is the P.P.S., for obvious reasons. He called me this morning from the office, but I ignored it, because I'm not playing that game anymore.

Dear Aiden:

Writing letters normally comes very easily to me, but this one has already been several days in my head and I’m still struggling with it. Part of me is sorry, for you, that you’re reading this letter, because it’s certainly not going to make things any easier. Part of me is also grateful, though, that I’m giving up the only secret I’ve been keeping. I’m bitter, and angry as a result of that, and I’ve given up trying to decide whether you “deserve” to have me take my temper out on you. I haven’t said anything before this because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, but I’m glad I got away this week – it gave me a chance to figure out what was really going on in my head and how to say it.

Even when some people were doing their best to convince me that you are a liar, a player, and a con artist, I had all the faith I needed in you that I didn’t believe them. Now, however, purely out of the things that have happened between you and me, and not from anything they said, I’m starting to doubt myself.

It was about three weeks ago now that you expressed a worry that I might break your heart “into a million little pieces.” I told you that I’m not a heartbreaker and you had nothing to worry about. I went on to say that if anyone was in a position to be the heartbreaker, it was you, because my relationship would require fewer technicalities to get out of than yours would.
You told me you’ve been miserable as long as you’ve been with Lily. You said you didn’t want to work things out with her, and that what happened between you and me was a catalyst for getting out of your relationship with her, as it was for me getting away from Kevin. She told me, as well, that she didn’t want you back, not that I would ever hold her to her word. You even once asked, “Can I keep you?” to which I replied “yes,” and I meant it.

Then you called me to tell me that your relationship with her is suddenly the best it’s ever been and implied that you couldn’t be happier. Why did you tell me that? Did it not occur to you that it might hurt me in any way to hear that? This is where my doubt starts to creep in. The evidence, and not the words of angry people that aren’t worth listening to, now points in a direction that suggests you may have been lying. Did you honestly think that I could snap back to being just friends with you, like nothing ever happened, in a matter of a few days?

The two sides of me are fighting right now, the side that wants to stand up, be strong, and walk away, and the side that is cowering on the floor with my heart in pieces. My instincts have been alarming lately in the number of things they’ve been right about, and it turns out I was right once again. You are the heartbreaker, not me.

A friend of mine, who I shall refer to simply as Z, warned me when this whole thing began between you and me that “9 times out of 10 the married guy will go nowhere and quickly.” I dismissed it as the paranoid ramblings of someone with past bad experiences, but now I have to go back and tell Z that he was right.

Was it your intention from the start to go running back to the safety of your family as soon as things went sour? Do you really lie that well, or did you chicken out at the last minute? I’ve done what I said I would. I took advantage of the catalyst to get out of my current relationship, and even though he is leaning hard on me to come back, I’m going through with moving. Yes, it’s difficult. But I’m not afraid to face things that are hard and rise above them, just like I’ve always said I would.

You told me last week that, “This could have been so much harder. I could have fallen in love with you.” Well, here’s what it all comes down to: you’re a lucky fucking bastard to be able to say that. It was already too late for me, and that’s actually what I had set out to tell you that morning when I told you we needed to talk. After all the gossip and dramatic crap began, I decided to wait on the words, but my feelings didn’t change. I wish to hell that somehow they had, but no one’s heart listens to their head.

I can’t just be friends with you. I said I could because I hoped it was true, but I was wrong. If you’re really going to stay with Lily, I have to tell you to get the hell out of my life and let me put back together what little I have left and start over with the rest. And though my head knows I shouldn’t say this, my broken heart demands that I do: if not, I’m here.
I love you. And for that, I hate you with everything I have.

~Blue

P.S. Oh, and this whole stupid thing with the phone calls? Fucking tell Lily that you called me first, because if she ever asks me, I will. Don’t make me look like the agressor when I haven’t started one single conversation that you and I have had, via any medium, in the last week. When we got called on the lying, I took the opportunity to come clean. I have not been hiding the fact that we are still friends, and I refuse to. I’m done with lying, dishonesty, and telling different stories to different people. I’m already on the verge of losing a whole lot of respect for you, what I haven’t lost already, and that is just unnecessarily low. If you want to talk to me, just call me, and don’t ask me to call you to make it look good. I won’t.

P.P.S. This is getting obnoxious, but I heard something else about you. “Lily forced him to log into Facebook and she found several other women he was exchanging erotic messages with, 4 or 5, all local girls. There were talks of meeting up and dates set on a few that were toward the end of that week.”

You told me there was only one other, Elaine, and you’d never met up with her, and that was a while ago. Who are these other girls? Why didn’t you tell me about them? This is leading me to mistrust every single word you’ve said to me, and I’m considering deleting any parts of the above letter that make it look like you may have played me successfully…but in the interests of honesty and completeness, I won’t. I’ve already layed everything I have on the line here, and I will do anything it takes to get to the truth. What I want is answers to my questions. Don’t try to make yourself look good, I don’t care anymore – though I’m not erasing it, I am rescinding the bit about still being here for you, so making yourself look good will get you absolutely nothing.

I only want to know what you lied about and why. This is your opportunity to come clean. I hope you will.

Be Free - Papa Roach

My anthem for the last three weeks...

Woke up and I feel like shit
I don't remember last night, I'm getting sick of this
I hit the bottle when I got off stage
And got piss drunk stupid and I went in a rage
I think I mighta got in a fight
Because my knuckles are bloody and I don't feel alright
I hit the bottom and I don't even care
You say I'm going to hell but I am already there

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

I wanna be free from this ball and chain and
Be free from this life of pain and
Be free from this ball and chain
I wanna be free from you

Now I'm full of guilt and shame
I can't point a finger cause there's no one to blame
So I say you'll never do it again
But when the sun goes down, you are my only friend
I think that I am starting to see
I have become everything I never wanted to be
I'm really getting sick of myself
'Cause when I look into the mirror, I see somebody else

Letter to Alejandra

This is what I left posted on her fridge when I went home.

Alejandra:

Even though I asked several questions and tried to clarify, what exactly you’re so upset about is still beyond me. If I offended your friends by being drunk, I do apologize, but I’d like to point out that they were laughing and didn’t seem offended in the least. I’d also like to suggest that next time you ask them if they’re ok instead of assuming and taking out your fears on me.

I’m leaving early for both of our sanities. Since I don’t know what I did, I don’t know how to avoid doing it again; and if this happens again I will snap. I came here to get away from the drama and stupidity at home and just have fun, but apparently even that causes problems. Saying that I did or said “something,” but you don’t remember what it was, but you’re mad at me anyway, is dumber than everything I left back at home.

You say that I make “grand gestures,” then can’t even tell me what that refers to. You referenced my hair – what exactly is wrong with my hair? What could I possibly have done with my hair to offend you or your friends?

And as for your friends, you say that you get sick of all the drama they produce, but if this is the way you always act, then you are just as guilty. Also, you can’t control what your friends say to each other or how they interact. Telling me 14 hours after the fact that I shouldn’t have been friendly with Jamie because you don’t like her is both useless (couldn’t have told me before?) and immature (are we in 3rd grade or almost out of college?). The amount of drama, gossip, and related dumb shit around here exceeds even what I left in my home state. I thought you were above it, but it seems to have sucked you in as well.

Thanks for letting me stay. I’m continuing the road trip on my own to see what I can find, and then probably going back to my mom’s house for a modicum of sanity. Hope you have fun with Nate.

-Skylar

P.S. Back to the whole “grand gestures” thing: yes, I like to have fun, dye my hair pink, dress in crazy clothes, listen to loud music and be myself. If you can’t accept those things about me, you’re not accepting me for who I am. Perhaps you are more comfortable with your preppy friends than you let on.

Chick Fight

That line I'm walking keeps swaying in the wind, but I haven't fallen off yet. I spent two awesome days with Alejandra, getting properly shitfaced to celebrate St. Patty's Day, and then I woke up Wednesday morning and the shit hit the fan. Again. About something totally unrelated.

Alejandra and I have always had very different personalities in terms of the way that we deal with things. We had very similar problems with our fathers, but my way was to just give up and stay away from him, and her way was to be constantly angry with both her parents. When I get in fights with my friends, I shut myself away for a little while, then try to talk it out, usually on paper. When she gets in fights, she bitches people out until they either give in or leave in disgust.

"Sky, can you get your vibrator out of my shower?" she said. Okay, that one was my fault.

"I wasn't using it, I promise," I said, because I honestly hadn't been. "It was with my shower stuff and I forgot to put it away."

"I don't even care if you were using it," she said. "That might've been kinda funny. But you make these grand gestures. Just get it out of there."

"What kind of grand gestures?" I asked, confused.

"Well, like, your hair." She gestured indistinctly.

"What?"

"I dunno. And you said some things, last night, to my friends."

"Like what?"

"I don't remember...I was too drunk." That didn't go over well, being accused of something she couldn't even remember, but I made the effort to keep myself calm.

"What did I say that pissed you off?"

"You made fun of my parents' problems in front of everyone." It took me a minute to even remember that.

"I mentioned that your dad slept on the couch. Your parents had the same problems mine did. I'm sorry if I shouldn't have brought that up, but not one else heard me!"

"Not really."

"Not really what?"

"I dunno." She shrugged and rolled her eyes like I was being a huge pain. "You shouldn't have been saying things to Jamie."

"Why not?"

"I don't get along with her."

"Well, why was she there?"

"She's a friend of Katie's, not a friend of mine!"

"So?"

"So, you shouldn't have been getting close with her."

At that point I realized just how stupid the things were that we were arguing about and gave up. The entire time we'd been there, which was about forty-five minutes by then, I had been trying to remove a horribly knotted elastic from the hair on top of my head. Apparently putting your hair up in pigtails while you're drunk is not a good idea. I had to cut the elastic twice with my pocket knife, and even when I finally had all the pieces out, I still had to cut a chunk out of my hair.

I showered, carrying on a conversation with myself the whole time, which is what I do when I'm annoyed or trying to work out some problem. After the shower, Alejandra and I walked through town back to the bar where we'd left our cars the previous night, being far too intoxicated to drive them safely. She asked in the most flippant voice what I was mad at her about, but I was being civil and not cold, so I denied being angry.

Not about to start another fight, and sick to death of drama and unnecessary crap, I waited until she left for the airport to pick up her brother, wrote her a letter, packed my suitcase, and left. It was already the middle of the day, too late to be starting a twelve-plus-hour drive, but I couldn't stay. I stopped less than an hour north to see some tourist sites, figuring I would make the trip somehow worthwhile, took a lot of pictures, then continued.

It was one-thirty in the morning when I finally crashed in a small motel. When I got up again the next morning it was raining. I started texting Wren updates of where I was, which was close to the house I lived in with Kevin, although I was on my way to my mom's place farther north. I accidentally sent two of the town names to Kevin (okay, semi-accidentally), and he asked if I was on my way there. I said no, they were meant for Wren, and he asked if I would meet him for lunch. After playing hard to get for a while, I finally agreed, although when I walked into the diner and sat down with him I was talking with Aiden on my phone.

Absolutely nothing productive was accomplished by the lunch, except for the obvious fact that I got fed, which is exactly what I had thought would happen. I finished the drive to mom's house, and I've been here since. I'm moving in with Wren tonight after she gets out of work. My next couple of posts are going to be various side bits, like displays in a museum, instead of me directly narrating.

Walking the Line

I'm holed up in Alejandra's apartment right now. It's raining and cold here, even though I'm so much farther south, but I'm so glad to be here. Kevin keeps bothering me via text and internet, and though I'm reading his messages, I haven't replied to any. I did give in to the temptation to put one post on his wall, just one line that told him in more eloquent terms that I think he's fucking crazy. I should have known better. That resulted in several texts and a couple of obscenely long wall posts that I'll have to delete.

This week is for me to relax, party, be away from him and from Aiden, and have time to think. My mom, my two best girl friends, my best guy friend (who's not Aiden or Kevin) and Wren's mom have all told me, separately but unanimously, "Get away from him! Get out! Save yourself!"

I know that's what I have to do, and I'll force myself to do it...but Kevin is a salesman, and damn can he be convincing. The evidence and my friends all point to the fact that he's gone right off the deep end, but when he tells me it's not true, some part of me still wants to believe it. I know that leaving someone is never easy; I've done it before, and I made a huge mess last time that I would prefer not to repeat. I realize that we won't be able to be friends right away, if ever again, and I'm still a little stuck on that. He's fun to hang around with. He's one of my best friends.

But I can't have the boy and eat him too...well, both boys. Either boy, actually. If - no, not if, when - I leave Kevin, I'm not going to be able to have Aiden, either. I'm really going to be alone. While I have no problem with being alone, and I know it will be good for me, of course I'm still hesitating.

It's a really good thing I've gotten such amazing support and backup from my friends, because if I was dragging myself through this alone with no one else's opinion, I would probably have gone back to Kevin already. I would have let him tell me that whole hair thing was exactly what he said it was and nothing more, that he's still perfectly sane and always has been. He would even have convinced me that he neglected me for the last month (he's convinced that's why I cheated), instead of the truth, which is that he's smothering the hell out of me (that's more like the actual reason, among others).

This is such a hard line to walk, even knowing I have my amazing friends for support should I fall. The man I loved and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with on one side, and my freedom and sanity on the other. The choice may be obvious, but that doesn't make it easy.

Vacation on a Whim

Kevin has gone now from the point of annoying me to actually creeping me out, and it's getting more and more serious, not to mention obnoxious. I worked dinner shift on Friday night, and towards the end of the rush I had an 8-top along with my normal tables, so I was pretty busy. Then I poured a twenty-three-ounce beer down my customer's back and had to deal with that disaster, so I wasn't in a great mood and I could definitely have qualified for "panicked." That was when one of the hostesses walked up to me and said, "Someone at the bar wants to talk to you, from Repentance?"

"What?" I asked, totally confused. The bar wasn't in my section, for one thing, and if one of my friends had come in, why hadn't they just said hello? My first thought was that I had a stalker, someone who had seen me at the club and come to find me. Then I thought maybe it was Aiden playing some kind of joke, but he would have just said hello...I went back to the stalker theory. Slightly alarmed, I walked over to the bar, carrying a large tray and unconsciously preparing to wield it like a weapon.

There was only one person at the bar who might have ever been seen at Rep, as the rest were all loud, plaid-wearing rednecks. I walked down to the end of the bar to the last person sitting there. They were hunched over, wearing a long black trenchcoat, and had long black hair. I couldn't tell if it was a guy or a girl, but either way, they didn't look familiar.

Reaching the end of the bar, I poked my head around to get a look at them. It was a guy, and he looked up and smiled at me. Still not recognizing him, I opened my mouth to ask if I knew him, but he beat me to it.

"Hey!" he said cheerfully. I recognized the voice and nearly choked. It was Kevin. All the fuses in my mind immediately blown, I opened my mouth, closed it, glared, grabbed my tray for support, then ran for the kitchen and hid. When I returned a few minutes later, he was gone, and I started cleaning out the dump sink. He reappeared, though, and started talking to me. I said almost nothing, but gave him permission to get on the waiting list for my section. If nothing else I knew he would tip me well.

Tiger looked up at me as Kevin walked away with a questioning and slightly weirded-out look on his face, and I stood with one hand full of nasty wet straws and dead oranges and limes, and pointed with the other at Kevin's receding back. All I could say was, "He's platinum blonde!"

Tiger glanced at him, frowned, then looked back at me and shrugged. "Not anymore."

Kevin hung out at his table for three hours until I got off shift so that he could buy me dinner. I sat and had a civil conversation with him, though I didn't say anything of great import, and I refused to tell him that I liked his hair. Whether or not I think it looks good is completely irrelevant next to the fact that I find it incredibly creepy. It was even worse when he said, "I was going to wear eyeshadow and paint my nails, too, but I couldn't find your makeup."

That did, however, clear up the reason, though he'll never admit it. Wren picked up on it immediately when I told her, as did my mom. "He's trying to look like Aiden." He says he's doing it to prove he can still have fun. I don't see how scaring the shit out of me when I'm working is fun.

After I got out that night, I drove the two hours up to my mom's house to escape, and to explain to her what was going on - especially since Kevin had posted on her Facebook wall professing his love for me, knowing full well I hadn't had a chance to explain the situation to her. I chewed him out for that one, and first he was defensive, then he apologized just to make me happy.

Saturday morning, I was still convinced I was going to Atlantic City with Kevin. By Saturday afternoon, after having told my mom the entire messy story and gotten her sympathy, her laughs, and her advice (as she's done the same thing at least once), I had decided to go instead to Florida to visit Wren, who's there for her break. Then I realized I really can't afford plane tickets, even after I found the cheapest option with some internet research, and I had the sudden idea to go visit my friend Alejandra.

Within an hour, I'd called her and made plans to drive down the next day. I headed back to the house where I live with Kevin, which I can't bring myself to call home anymore. I got there at one o'clock, organized some laundry and started packing, then told him I wasn't going with him on vacation. He took it reasonably well until I said that I was going on a road trip instead, alone, far away, and I wouldn't tell him where or for what purpose.

I finally fell asleep by two-thirty, after ignoring his ramblings studiously, but was woken up again at four by him patting me awkwardly and asking, "Where are you going? And what does it mean to swallow a frog?" My Facebook status that night had mentioned swallowing a frog, which is a metaphor for needing to do something you don't want to do. My frog was telling him I wasn't going on the trip. However, it was four in the morning, I was getting up at seven, and I was grumpy. I refused to answer his questions and told him to let me sleep.

After that I went back to sleep but didn't sleep well. I was uncomfortable and I kept hearing him wandering around and doing odd things. At six-thirty I was awake again because he had all the lights on, including the obscenely bright one in the hall, and he was walking around rearranging the decor in the bedroom.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked. I'm not friendly when woken out of sleep, not friendly early in the morning, and even less so when already perturbed by other things.

"Making it less painful while you're gone," he answered morosely, and after looking around in dazed confusion for several seconds I realized he'd taken all the pictures of me and of us off the walls and stowed them somewhere.

"Do you want me to fall asleep while driving and crash the car?" I asked.

"No," he answered. "Why?"

"Then let me sleep," I said.

"Sorry," he said, but didn't turn off the lights or stop making noise. After a few minutes he came and sat down on the bed and tried to talk to me, but I got up, took a shower, and finished packing.

The goodbye was excruciating, especially when I was forced to repeat it because I reached the end of the road without my camera and went back for it. I was out of the house by eight-thirty, though, filled my gas tank, got breakfast, and headed south. Alejandra told me the drive was usually about twelve hours for her, so I figured I could cut some time off that, because I drive like a maniac, and the car I'm borrowing has a lovely invention called a six-cylinder engine that takes off like a shot if you look at the gas pedal wrong.

I spent an hour getting lost and finding my way out again, but including that the entire thing took me eleven hours. I was exhausted and punchy as hell when I arrived, but I made it one piece with no mishaps, despite the fact that I spent most of the time driving with my knee and texting. I spoke with Aiden three times, my mom once, and Alejandra twice, as well as texting all of the above plus Wren. I also got a text from Kevin, which was a picture of a motorcycle with the caption "my new bike." I forwarded it to Wren and my mom, who both agreed with me that it's just more evidence that he's gone off the deep end.

Now that I'm "down south," (not really...but it's far enough away) I'm looking forward to an awesome week. I feel so much better now that I'm not going to Atlantic City with Kevin - I'm actually looking forward to my vacation now, instead of wondering what fresh hell it will bring. I will admit to wondering what fresh hell my psychotic boyfriend will come up with, as he spent the day bothering my best friends via Facebook, and Aiden, Lily, and my mom via phone. The girls both deleted his posts, and then I went and deleted even his posts on my wall, since they were well into the realm of creepy. I then changed my relationship status to "complicated" from "in a relationship."

The only one who still sides with him is Lily, except obviously for his own friends. My friends and my mom and Wren's mom are all convinced that he's psycho and I'm well shot of him. I did get a message from his friend's fiancee today, who was a casual friend of mine, who in long and excruciatingly misspelled detail told me why I should go back to him. Sorry May, but it's not happening. You have no idea what's going on between us because you're only listening to his side. I haven't even seen her since this whole thing happened, and I never thought she was that smart anyway. Interestingly, neither did Kevin...but now that she's on his side, of course suddenly she's a smart, useful friend!

I know he's not going to get the point of all the little things I'm doing, but it makes me feel better. And a week of girl time and partying is just what I need right now. Hopefully it will produce funnier and less dramatic stories to tell here!

He Said She Said

Liam commented on my last post that "when it rains, it pours," and he's right. And the rain's far from over.

I set out yesterday afternoon with the intention of meeting up with Aiden after class, and my plan was to explain what Kevin and I had agreed on, and then tell him how things really are. Yes, I was going to leap off the cliff and tell him I loved him. I should have known that when everything is failing, nothing goes according to plan.

Kevin asked me to go to lunch with him, so I went, figuring I would just meet Aiden afterwards. I picked Kevin up at his office and the first thing he said to me was, "I just had a conversation with an absolutely lovely woman."

"Oh," I said, not particularly interested.

"Do you want to know who that was?"

He was clearly going to tell me anyway, so I said, "Sure."

"Aiden's wife."

Well, I certainly wasn't expecting that one. He had agreed with me when we met her that she gave off a creepy, nasty vibe, so why the sudden change of heart? Apparently he talked on the phone with her for two hours that morning, and she cried the entire time and told him a completely different story than what Aiden had told me. She said their life hadn't been unhappy at all, that it had been perfect up until a month ago - just like what Kevin's been saying about us. All sorts of other inconsistencies came up, as well. Aiden told Kevin on the phone that morning (because Aiden had been stupid enough to call my phone before I left the house) that he hadn't smoked weed in four years...but Lily told Kevin that Aiden had failed a drug test just two weeks ago.

She said that she was the one who took care of their son, not him, and that she had no idea where all his money was going...their house is in foreclosure and none of the bills are paid, and she can't figure out why. He told me triumphantly that she couldn't work because she had a felony conviction, and seemed disappointed when I said I already knew that. He also told me that he was shocked I wasn't angry.

He doesn't seem to realize that I'm not a person who just flies off the handle automatically upon being told some potentially sketchy news. Yes, I was a little upset, but I wasn't about to just believe what he said without talking to Aiden. Kevin said I should confront Aiden and "get him to confess," and that he'd like to be there to watch. I decided without saying so that confronting him on my own was a much better idea and more likely to get the truth, since Kevin has a way of coming across as very pushy and controlling, whether he means to or not.

"He's a player," he told me. "He got into your head and made you not love me anymore...I don't know how he did it, but I want you back." I disagreed with that but said nothing. I'd find my evidence first.

Kevin thought I was mad at him, because I left lunch having said almost nothing, with what was probably a scowl on my face. I wasn't mad at anybody just yet; I was on a mission to find the truth, and when I'm on a mission, I've been told I look pretty scary.

I told him I was going to the mall, then drove straight back to town and demanded that Aiden meet me. He showed up immediately, looking apprehensive as I marced up the street toward him.

"You probably want to slap me," he said by way of greeting.

"No," I said. "I want you to talk."

"About?"

"I've heard some pretty nasty things about you in the last twenty-four hours," I announced.

"Shall we find a place to sit?"

"Sure." We headed up the alley and sat on a guardrail in the back parking lot, and I passed on everything Kevin had just told me, one piece at a time so he could make his explanations. Halfway through, Lily called and he wandered off and talked with her for a while while I texted Wren.

When he got off the phone, he handed me the opportunity I had been looking for that morning on a silver platter, and I deliberately passed it up.

"You know," he said, "This could be worse. I could so easily have fallen in love with you."

I made a face, smiled, looked away, and kept my mouth shut.

The long and short of it is that he had an explanation for everything, but not in a way that made me suspicious. I didn't feel like he was making excuses or fabricating stories, and I was glad I'd asked. I'm good at knowing when people are lying to me, and what Kevin had said about Aiden just hadn't felt right. In an hour, Aiden and I were laughing again. We went and got a coffee, then went for a walk. We seem to function best when we walk and talk. Actually, it's more like power-marching and talking.

As we went, Kevin started texting Aiden, and though he didn't say anything inflammatory in reply, the messages kept getting angrier and less civil, more accusatory, with more capital letters. I'm familiar with Kevin's fighting style, obviously, but this was over the edge even for him, especially after he'd agreed about twelve hours before to me that he would be civil with Aiden.

I don't begrudge him his anger - I'd be angry too if we were in each other's shoes. But the switch in my head flipped at one particular message: "You tell her to COME RUNNING BACK TO ME!" Nobody tells me what to do. Aiden knows better than to even try, but Kevin tried on both of us at once.

When we were done with our walk and thoroughly friends again, I ran home to grab my new cell phone that had just arrived in the mail, and decided to take a quick shower before going to the mall to activate it. Kevin had texted me to say he'd be a few minutes late getting home from work - but he was early. When I got out of the shower he was sitting on the bed, and I jumped, startled. I'd already decided I wasn't coming home after my trip to the mall, that I would find a friend to take me in for the night, and I was in no mood to talk to him.

He insisted that he come with me to the mall, and I insisted that he not. When he finally gave me an annoyed hand-wave and a "Fine! Go!" I went. Aiden called while I was driving to tell me that Kevin and Lily were meeting up to talk. The phone activation didn't happen; I did reach the mall, but they told me the phone was on a lost-or-stolen list and I would have to return it. Pissed, I grabbed a slice of pizza and sat down to eat it before heading on my way again.

My phone buzzed - text from Kevin. "Would you like to meet with Lily? I can arrange it." More annoyed now, I hung up with Aiden to return the message.

"I know ur with her why dont u just be honest."

"That's why I suggested it."

I finished my pizza, went back to my car, and returned Aiden's call; then had to hang up again to answer more texts.

"I'm trying to call Aiden, let him answer his phone."

"I'm not with him."

"Didn't say you were."

Lily demanded that Aiden show up where they were, even though he had to bring their kid, and he called me and told me to come too. I was forty minutes south of where they were meeting, but I made it in under thirty.

Kevin told me where they were, and I replied, "I know." Apparently that stirred up some commotion with Lily accusing Aiden of having met me there before, which was entirely untrue. Turned out no one passed on the info that he called me and gave me directions, and Kevin couldn't figure out how I knew my way there, so they jumped to the worst conclusion.

When I showed up and figured out that they were out behind the restaurant and not inside it, Aiden and Lily were arguing a few yards away and Kevin was waiting for me with his head down. He reiterated that Lily was a lovely woman who had never done a day of wrong in her life and that Aiden was a lying scumbag and a player, then "introduced" me to Lily and walked off with Aiden.

I didn't have much of anything say, aside from giving her an apology, but she had plenty. I stood and listened while she ranted about her life and her horrible husband, what a trickster and a con artist he was, how "I know because I fell for it!" She said she was the one who took care of the kid, that she couldn't work because had disabilities, and basically gave me the perfectly rosy side of the story that blamed me for everything. I may sound bitter, but I don't mean to. I didn't take any of it personally; I'm good at giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and listening fairly to each side before I form my own opinion.

I lost track of how long we were there before Aiden and Kevin finally reappeared. The four of us stood together for a few minutes, Lily ranting at Aiden almost the entire time.

Finally Aiden addressed me directly. "Would you say that what we had is over?"

Normally I would have asked him to specify, but I find that people who aren't very close to me get annoyed by my constant questioning for specifics, so I didn't. "Yes," I said, swallowing hard. It was a lie.

Eventually Kevin pointed at me and Aiden and said, "You two need to talk."

We looked at each other, shrugged, and fell into step together, heading at a forced-march pace for the street.

"Do you hate me yet?" he asked.

"No. I reserve judgement until you talk."

"What did she tell you?"

Once again, I repeated everything and let him explain his side, replaying our earlier meeting. Then he told me what Kevin had said to him...and by the time we'd reached the second pharmacy in record time, which was quite a ways a way, we were laughing about the whole thing again.

"It's gone like this," I said, holding up my fingers so that they made two sideways V's in the air, open ends connected, and then turned one of them upside down. "They're best friends now, and you and I are best friends."

"Wouldn't it be great if they hooked up?" he said with a grin.

"Ha, that would solve everything," I said, laughing, and the last of the remaining tension was broken.

Lily stopped by us in her car on our way back to try to convince us we wanted a ride, but we said no and kept walking. We stopped on the sidewalk when we were in sight of Kevin and Lily, who were talking again, and continued our conversation. Having had to shut up my cell phone several times by that point, I finally said I had to go, and told him that he would be welcome at whatever friend's house I decided to hide out at.

"Don't tempt me," he said.

"I'm not tempting you, I'm offering," I said.

When we reached Lily's car, Aiden got in and I walked off with Kevin.

"Hey, are we going to talk?" he asked, and it was all I could do not to roll my eyes. I couldn't think of a single thing we hadn't said several times already. "Can we go somewhere warm?"

I wasn't cold, but I agreed anyway, in the hope it would somehow get me out of there faster. We went into the restaurant while I listened to my voicemail. There was one from my mom telling me she'd had a bad day and wanted me to call her, and it sounded suspiciously grim.

"Did you call my mom?" I asked Kevin, and believed him when he denied it. "Damn. There's something else going on."

I ordered a tea and gave her a call, and fortunately it wasn't as bad as I'd been afraid of. She had had to put a cat to sleep that day, one that she was pet-sitting for, and had also wanted to know what my rather morbid Facebook status had referred to. I told her I would explain another time, and then she put my uncle on the phone.

"Hey, I've been wanting to come out and visit you guys and see your new place!" he said enthusiastically. Talk about the worst possible timing. I told him he should come see the restaurant I work in, then told him I would call him back after Spring Break.

I had nothing new to say to Kevin. I made the point that I didn't think anyone was really lying, but I still believed Aiden's side of the story. He didn't seem to care about that, though, being too busy saying how much he loved me and how strongly he believed that "spark" was still there and how if I would just stay it would all be fine. Finally he stopped repeating himself and asked what I thought.

"I need some space," I answered, "To think this out. You're badgering me."

"Oh. Well, if you want to go up to Eben's house tonight...I'd rather you stay, but if you need the space, go."

I'd been trying to imply that I needed weeks or even months worth of space, but he hadn't wanted to hear that.

"Are we still going to Atlantic City? Please?"

It sounded like a terrible idea to me, but I agreed anyway, because I do want to go. We leave on Sunday. He thinks it's going to be our big chance to reconnect. I think it's going to be a living hell.

When we finally left, Aiden and Lily were still in their car in the parking lot. Kevin went over to talk to them when Lily rolled her window down, and I accompanied him until I realized that he was just going to keep repeating his dogmas and that I wouldn't be of any use. I hopped in the car and took off, stopping at home just long enough to get my cell phone charger. Then I cranked the Marilyn Manson and lead-footed it up to Eben's.

After I explained my predicament to Eben and his housemate, Dan, his advice matched my own thoughts: get my own place for a while and back off from everything until I can sort out my own mind. At one o'clock I went to Wren's for the night, since I was more comfortable crashing there than at Eben's, and told her the whole story.

She had apparently answered her phone earlier while half-asleep and gotten an extremely garbled version of the story from Kevin, something along the lines of "she went down his pants and he has HPV and we all went to dinner tonight." I straightened that out and added all the necessary details, and her advice jived again: get the hell out. Kevin is insane and treats me like a child.

I slept better on her pullout couch than I'd slept in months in my own king-size bed, and woke up in a pretty good mood. I snuck out of the house, since she was still asleep, and drove back down in time for my second class of the day. My decision is made. I'm going to tell Kevin that "space" means my own place for at least a month, not a night with a friend. I have to get the fuck out.

Like That Wasn't Bad Enough

Lily sent both Kevin and me messages via Facebook after Aiden had his conversation with her. (Kevin agreed to allow Aiden to tell her the news himself instead of hearing it from him.) Among other things, both the messages said, "Aiden has HPV and he gave it to me, thought you should know!"

"You dodged a bullet," Kevin said, shaking his finger at me, and I tried not to cringe. I'm not out of the woods yet, with either the lying or the potential trouble. Though I told Kevin I didn't have sex with Aiden, I didn't specify what we did do in the infinite realm between kissing and fucking. I'm pretty sure he's assuming we didn't get as far as we did.

Aiden told me before we got there that he had had "an HPV scare," which I took to mean that he didn't have it and the risk was low that he was carrying it. I also figured that if he cared enough to tell me that, then he cared enough not to put me at risk of getting it.

I can't remember the last time I was so stupid.

I don't know if it's possible to get HPV from what we did, but the way my luck runs, it probably is. Wikipedia, here I come. Ironically, my doctor told me back in January that I should get the new Gardasil vaccine, the one that protects against HPV. I said I'd think about it, and never got around to actually doing it. What the fuck is wrong with me, seriously? I am in so much trouble.

The Sky Has Fallen

Let's begin right now by saying that Sky hates herself. I know I said that yesterday, but it's even stronger now. Everything has finally gone to shit...and not even the way I thought it would!

Aiden and I went to lunch yesterday after my classes, and then decided to go back to my house for a little while. He dropped me off at my car and I beat him out of the parking lot and back to my house by miles...which turned out to be a good thing. I had a strange feeling on the way over there that Kevin might be home, even though there was no reason he should be. Sure enough, I zipped up to my driveway, saw Kevin's truck parked out front, swerved and kept driving. Grabbing for my phone, I called Aiden; it took me four tries before he picked up, and I warned him of the unexpected development. We met in the parking lot of a nearby state park instead.

"Want to go muddin'?" I asked as he got in my car.

"Sure. Where?"

"Up the mountain, behind the school."

We headed off, discussing various reasons Kevin might be home, and how fortunate it was that we had gone to lunch instead of straight to my house. I figured he was just so worked up after last night's conversation that he'd taken the afternoon off, but I couldn't figure out what he might be doing. When he's stressed, he doesn't sleep, but he doesn't do anything useful either...I couldn't come up with a satisfactory theory, so I just tried to forget about it. I decided we'd do one run over the mountain and then I'd go home to see what was up.

That would have been a great plan had I not missed a turn and hung the car on a snowbank at an almost forty-five degree angle, nearly dumping it in the ditch. This has been a terrible season for me and cars - that's the third one I've gotten stuck in bad weather in the last three months. I swear I'm not that bad a driver normally...

There was not a hope in hell of getting the car out, so I called AAA, silently thanking my mom for insisting that I be a member. I just hoped they wouldn't notify her of the call for any reason. She'll kill me if she finds out, since the car I'm driving is actually hers (it belonged to my dad) and not mine.



Aiden, fortunately, thought the whole thing was hysterically funny, so at least we got a good laugh out of the deal. Despite the fact that we were in the middle of nowhere, he managed to run into two people he knew, one of them out walking her dogs and one of them driving. After half an hour he called his mom to come pick him up and drive him to his car, so he could drive his car back up and then call his wife to explain that he was keeping me company while I waited for a tow truck. His wife would flip a bisquit if she thought we were in my car together.

The tow truck showed up before his mom did, however, and they hauled the car and we went on our way. We met his mom at the bottom of the mountain, but I was itching to get going, having just gotten a text from Kevin saying "I think we really need to talk." I knew the second I saw it there was something wrong, and my stomach started to tie itself in knots. I replied to Kevin, saying "I'll be home soon," and, the reply came back "I hope so."

"I hate this sensation," I said, clenching and unclenching my hand that wasn't on the steering wheel. "Sometimes I freak out and I'm right, sometimes I freak out and I'm wrong...but I've been right about an uncomfortable number of things lately."

As we were on the way back to Aiden's car, Wren called. "Kevin knows about Aiden," she said, sounding more grim than I'd ever heard her.

"Why?" I asked.

"He said the neighbor saw you and him making kissy faces in the driveway." I wished my foot would reach my head for a good kicking. "The neighbor didn't know who the guy was, but Kevin guessed Aiden. I didn't tell him I knew anything, I just said I couldn't confirm that."

I sighed heavily. "Thanks hon," I said. "I love you."

"I love you too, babe. Call me."

I hung up the phone and tapped Aiden on the leg, since he was on the phone with someone too. He looked over and I made a throat-slitting motion. He hung up. "What?"

"He knows."

The last two minutes of the ride were silent. "I love that feeling of watching my life fall apart around me," I commented at last.

"I'm watching the same storm," he pointed out. "Except the boulders in mine are a little bigger."

"I know."

When I got home, I left my cell phone in the car, figuring I'd be out again in twenty minutes or less with all the stuff I could carry and not coming back. The front door was open, and I walked inside and looked around. Not seeing Kevin immediately, I dumped my boots and my coat and went upstairs. He wasn't there, either. As I came back down, I saw him disappearing into the kitchen.

"Hi," I said, walking across the living room toward him. Wren had told me not to tell him she warned me.

He turned around, and I saw the phone in his hand. "The neighbors caught you and Aiden in the driveway," he said flatly. I stopped and stared at the floor. I wasn't going to lie; I know when I'm busted. "Sit," he ordered me. "We'll talk in a minute. I'm calling Lily."

I happened to know that Lily was at the mall, but not wanting to explain how I knew that, I kept the information to myself. When no one answered the phone, he hung up.

I was fully expecting a screaming rant, anger, tears, throwing things, and for it to end with me out on my ass. But the showdown didn't come. There were tears, all right, but hardly any anger, no shouting, no threats, no violence. I apologized, feeling it was so much too little that perhaps I shouldn't even bother, but he actually seemed to believe that I was sorry. He also seemed relieved when I told him that Aiden and I hadn't actually had sex. To him, there was a line there, and he was glad I hadn't crossed it.

He talked to Aiden on the phone, and was remarkably human about it. Yes, he said, he was angry, and thought that what we had done was evil...but their conversation was civil and without threats. I think he intended it to be my breakup with Aiden, but he's wrong on that one - I will not let anyone break up with someone for me, no matter the circumstance. I'm less than human in a lot of ways right now, but that's a shred of honor I have left. I will carry on my own conversations. Nobody else speaks for me.

Against all my expectations, the night ended with me offering to leave, and then saying it was probably better if I left, and him begging me to stay and give him a chance. I agreed, feeling it was the least I could do for him in light of all the terrible things I've done...and the night ended with him taking me out to dinner, and us cuddling up in bed together and falling asleep.

I still think the vacation we have coming up next week is going to be the deciding factor. In all honesty, though I'm glad to be closer to Kevin again and have our friendship back, I'm not attracted to him anymore. I love him as my best friend, and I would be devastated to lose that. I will give him the chance because I owe it to him.

But the grain of truth that I have yet to say to anybody? I'm in love with Aiden.

The Lowest of Vermin: Me!

I have created, to quote Alice Cooper, "my own private hell." And I have no one but myself to blame now that it's starting to burn.

Kevin came home from work last night and announced that he wanted to sell everything, buy a motorcycle, and take off to nowhere. Sounds a whole lot like my own thoughts. I asked him what was going on, and he proceeded to tell me about the horrible day he'd had at work, then said he needed a hug. I got up and wrapped my arms around him, and he started to cry.

"I can't do anything right," he said. "I fuck up at work, I fuck up at home...I don't want to lose you. I can't."

I swallowed hard, thinking back on that morning, when I had wandered into the kitchen to get breakfast and been inexplicably convinced that the day was going to bring some form of bombshell disaster. I've never been able to decide whether I really appreciate my semi-psychic abilities.

I lay down on the couch and held my arms out, and Kevin lay down next to me and put his head on my shoulder. I'd never seen him cry before, and it was startling. I held him close and tried to think of what to say.

"I love you," he said, looking up so our noses were touching as he looked into my eyes.

"I love you too," I said, which was the truth.

"And I am in love with you," he continued. I didn't say anything. "Are you still in love with me?"

It didn't even occur to me to lie. I took a breath, opened my mouth and closed it again, and looked away. He put his head down and buried his face in my shoulder, shaking slightly. "I don't know," I finally said, and found myself crying as well. "I didn't want to say anything because you're still my best friend and I don't want that to change."

After a few minutes I got up and put my shoes on.

"Where are you going?" Kevin asked.

"My exam," I replied. I hadn't had a chance to finish studying for it and I was already well on the way to being late.

"Oh. Come back afterwards and we'll talk, okay?" I nodded. "Please come back," he begged. I nodded again and stepped outside, shutting the door behind me.

As soon as I was outside, I hauled back and flung my car keys as hard as I could at the driveway. I yelled indistinctly, picked them up, and flung them again. I climbed the hill to where they'd landed, dug them out of the snow, slid back down to the driveway, and heaved them at the car. They bounced off the trunk, over the car, down the hill on the other side and into some trees.

Tearing off my schoolbag, I swung it at the car and it landed with a satisfying thud. I then climbed down the hill, getting caught on some nasty thorny bushes on the way, found my keys, and climbed back up. I got in the car, dumped the snow out of my holey sneakers, and drove off. I put on a Nickelback album and cranked the stereo as loud as it would go.

Driving up the hill in the snow and slush and then down the other side, I could barely see where I was going through my tears.

"Why!" I screamed, barely able to hear myself over the music. "Why did I do this! What the fuck is wrong with me!" I continued to yell all the way to the stop sign, then quieted down as I made the turn by the river.

I realized when I reached campus that I didn't have enough money to park in the garage, and by the time I found a parking space by the gym and then walked back to the correct building, I was several minutes late. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I saw red eyes, a puffy face, and hair that looked like it had had a recent close encounter with a tornado, but I couldn't have cared less.

I failed the exam, I'm sure of that. Wandering out again after I'd handed it back, I stopped in the women's room on the first floor. When I opened the door and took a half a step inside, I stopped in my tracks, feeling suddenly as though I was drowning, even though there was no water to be seen.

The sidetrack becomes necessary here to point out that I'm sensitive to what some people might call ghosts, or spirits; the leftover vibrations, if you will, of past people and very strong events. I'm especially sensitive if I'm already at an emotional low, and stepping into that bathroom was the psychic equivalent of being smacked in the face.

I took a deep breath, having to make a conscious effort to calm myself, used the toilet as fast as I could, and raced out again without washing my hands. By the time I reached the outdoors I was shaking and talking to myself in an effort to keep from running and screaming. I don't want to know what happened in that bathroom, but I can tell you it was one of the most psychically horrifying places I've ever been in.

I took the long way home, still with the stereo at full volume. When I got home, the house was dark and Kevin was lying on the couch with his hands over his face. I took off my boots and lay down with him, putting my head on his chest and my arms around him in a hug. He cried on me for another hour, and then we actually started to talk.

The entire truth didn't come out, but I edged around and around it and got as close as I could. I told him I was restless, I was too settled, I'd never gotten to do the crazy college routine of partying and doing drugs and sleeping around, that I wanted that experience, that I was ashamed of how few people I've slept with in my life.

There are many details and stories I'll leave out for the sake of keeping this post under twenty screens in length, but suffice it to say he's as desperate as I've ever seen anyone. He will do anything to keep me; he offered to get on his knees and beg, and to let me sleep around and do drugs and whatever else I want to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go out and fuck up my life with all sorts of chemicals. I may be desperate, guilty, and confused, but I'm not that straight-up stupid.

I ended up agreeing to give it a try with him. I'm not sure how it's going to go; I think the real test is the vacation we have coming up next week. We're going to Atlantic City for spring break. We'll see what happens.

Needless to say, I've felt the lowest of human scum since last night. I woke up this morning curled up in Kevin's arms, something that hasn't happened in almost a month, and was surprised to discover that I was enjoying it. I didn't want to get out of bed, wanted to stay there all day. It was a glimpse of how things were back...well, not so long ago, though it's starting to feel like a long time. It makes me wonder what else we'll be able to get back.

I agreed yesterday to let Aiden drive me to school this morning, but I ended up taking the bus because I wasn't sure I wanted to see him. I texted him from my car and then from the bus, giving him a short version of what had happened. He offered to come see me after class and before he went to work, and I agreed, needing a hug if nothing else.

He was both sympathetic and apologetic, though I told him it was my fault and not his, that it was entirely my own choice to fuck up my life like this.

"If you need me to give you some space, I will," he said.

"I don't know," I sighed. "I haven't decided yet."

He nodded. "Whatever you need. Remember, I'm your friend first and foremost." I enjoyed the hug and thanked him.

Tonight is our clubbing night, and Aiden said he's going to go this time. I'm not sure if Kevin and I are going or not...I asked Wren, but she's staying home to study for exams (something I should apparently take a clue about). I'm not sure if it's a good idea to go out and have some fun, or a bad idea to have Kevin and Aiden in the same space right now. I'll let you know what happens.

TMI Tuesday

1. Are you pro-marriage? Why or why not?

I'm for marriage in general, but not the way many people treat it. I disagree with those who think their lives are over or ruined if they're not married by the age of 25. Take your time and make sure you've found the one!

2. Have you ever invented or thought you invented a sexual position?

Not that I can remember...

3. Do you like to be tied up? Always or sometimes?

I love to be tied up. I will also sometimes do the tying, but my switchy self leans much more to sub than dom. I do also enjoy some time with my hands free.

4. Do you consider online cybering adultery?

Yep.

5. Do you prefer masturbation over real sex?

HELL no! I hardly ever do it for myself because I prefer the real thing that much.

6. Do you want sex more times a day than your partner?

No...

7. Do you get offended when you partner openly flirts with others or are you okay with it?

It doesn't bother me. I trust him.

8. Do you think you're flirty by nature?

People seem to think I'm flirting with them just because I'm my open, friendly self with strangers just like I am with friends. I don't mean it to be flirting, though. It's just my way of getting along with people.

TMI Tuesday #177

Musings on Friendship

Yesterday wasn't such a good day...almost as soon as I woke up, Kevin started saying that he was concerned about me. The conversation continued after I took a shower, as we went to lunch, and before I left for work. I can't possibly relay the entire thing, and I wouldn't subject you to such even if I could, but I'll lay out the essential points.

He's noticed I've been distant/stressed/distracted lately. He's concerned about me and about our relationship. He doesn't want to lose me. He wants to be sure that firstly, I still love him, and secondly, I'm still in love with him.

The part that bothered me the most, though, was what he said about his ex (the one I mentioned that makes me look like an angel). "She got to the point where she had to be drunk to have sex with me...she let that slip one night." In all of the less-than-honest things I've done over the last month or so, that is poignantly the most guilty I've felt about any of them yet. He noticed that the last two times we had sex I was shitfaced-drunk; I'd hoped he wouldn't figure it out, but I should've known better. He knows me too well.

I didn't really commit to the conversation one way or the other. I know the "bigger person" thing to do would have been to own up at least to not being so head-over-heels into him anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I went to work in the afternoon feeling like the scum of the earth, hating myself and everything about me, berating myself for everything I've done lately. I tried to put a good face on, but when the manager came up to me, gave me a pat on the back and told me to "Keep your chin up!", I realized I wasn't doing so well.

Fortunately, it was a rocking busy night, and eventually I got distracted enough to cheer up into my usual image. I did well in tips, and by the time I left I was feeling slightly less shitty, though still not great. I had managed over the course of the day to shake myself into doubting my entire life, especially both of my relationships. I drove home in a funk, unsuccessfully trying to shake it by singing loudly, took a shower and went to bed.

I was in a better frame of mind this morning, mostly because I was too exhausted to feel much emotion. Having not left work until 2am, daylight savings time meant that I got about six hours of sleep before going back to work again at noon today. "Spring forward" is my enemy right now.

Aiden and I were working the same shift today for the first time since the Thursday night of fireworks. Having worked myself into such a negative attitude the day before, I wasn't sure how I was going to react to seeing him; but as soon as he started joking around with me like usual, I relaxed. I was standing in the small area surrounding the computer in the back of the house when he came in and gave me a friendly shove. I shoved back, he shoved back, and I bounced off the trash can and just about fell on my ass. Startling myself, I let loose and laughed hysterically, and suddenly everything was better again.

We managed to leave at the same time, and drove around the parking lot to a corner hidden between two enormous snowbanks. He joined me in my car and I left the stereo on as we kissed and talked and laughed. I swear I hadn't set the music especially for the occasion, but it certainly seemed appropriate...

Cause baby we'll be
At the drive-in
In the old mans ford
Behind the bushes
'til I'm screamin' for more
Down the basement
Lock the cellar door
And baby
Talk dirty to me

He looked at the radio, looked at me, raised an eyebrow, and I melted into hysterics again. He has a way of putting this huge, silly smile on my face and of making me laugh no matter what's on my mind.

We agreed again that we want to be friends forever no matter what else happens. I also managed to simultaneously figure out my biggest hesitation in breaking up with Kevin and explain it to Aiden, which is a huge feat for me.

"I'm not interested in him romantically anymore," I said, "But we're still friends. I have a bad history of being friends with my exes - it never works, none of them will speak to me. I still like him as a friend, and that's my biggest holdup here. I know we probably won't be friends after I leave."

I feel somewhat better for having figured that out. The things that are driving me crazy about Kevin are things that I can't tolerate in a relationship, but would be fine with in a "just friend." If I knew that we could maintain our friendship after a breakup, or have some time apart and come back to each other as friends, I would be much more okay with this. But I have yet to have any success at all in being friends with an ex, and I can't stand the thought of losing Kevin as a friend.

Forty Minutes and a Couch

For those who left me happy comments on the last post...I've another for you, of very similar variety.

I was supposed to be at work tonight, but the manager called and told me they didn't need me, so I stayed home. I attempted to take a nap, but a little too much coffee foiled that plan, so I got out of bed again and went back to my computer. At four-thirty, Aiden called to tell me he was off shift and ask if he could stop by. I said certainly, but he didn't remember how to find my house, so once again we met at the corner store and he followed me home.

"So how long before we can expect to see him?" he asked.

"He's at the other end of the state today," I said. "And he hasn't left yet, so a couple of hours at least."

We dumped our jackets and boots, and I went to give him a kiss. I got a quick kiss in return, and then he put his hand on the back of my neck and forced me to my knees on the floor. I looked up, waiting to see if I was getting a spanking, but instead he took my hand and put it on his hip.

"That's where you need to be to find your present," he said. He told me yesterday that he was getting me a present, something small enough that I could carry it around without Kevin ever seeing it, that wouldn't make sense when I saw it until it was explained. I stuck my hand in his pocket and fished around until I found something, then pulled it out.

It was a small plastic bag with a sort of rectangular purple plastic cube in it. I stared at it, trying to figure out what it was, until he pulled it out of my hand, removed the bag, and handed it back to me.

"It's a dog clicker!" I said with a laugh. If you've never heard of these little gems, it's essentially a piece of metal, warped in such a way that it pops back and forth, surrounded by a piece of plastic housing. When you press on the metal, it makes a loud popping noise. They're used for training dogs and cats; you can get them to sit or perform some other response at the sound of the click. I assumed that's what he was planning to do with me, but the explanation was slightly different.

"Do you know how hard it is to say your safe word with your panties stuffed in your mouth? This is yellow." One click. "And this is red." Two clicks. I nodded in understanding. "It's a d/s toy I can get you without Kevin noticing," he explained.

Soon after that he was sitting on the couch and I was straddling his lap, my shirt and bra forgotten somewhere behind me. I pulled the elastic out of his hair so I could play with it properly, and this time I didn't lose it behind the couch. He has really incredible hair - just past his shoulders, dark chocolately brown and so incredibly thick I feel like I could get lost in it. I could play with his hair all day...that is, if there weren't more interesting parts to play with.

I could feel his hard cock even through the taught fabric of my jeans, and moved my hips slowly back and forth across his lap, teasing, as he licked my nipples. My sighs of pleasure turned abruptly to a whimper of pain as he suddenly grabbed my left nipple between thumb and forefinger and pulled hard. Involuntarily I dug my fingers deep into the flesh of his shoulders - probably hard enough to leave marks, too hard, but I couldn't help it.

"You like having found yourself a dom?" he whispered.

"Yes," I answered. "I mean, yes Sir."

"It's a little...creepy," he said, seemingly unsure if that was exactly the word he wanted, "How I've become so attached to you in less than a month."

"Creepy?" I asked. "Why creepy?" I ran my fingers across his cheek and into his hair.

"It's - hard for me to say," he said hesitantly. I thought for a moment that he meant I was distracting him, then realized it was more of an emotional difficulty.

"Why?"

"Well...I could see myself having a long and very wonderful relationship with you," he said, and I understood. I wasn't expecting it to go this way when it all began, either.

"You're not the only one," I assured him, and he looked relieved.

For a few minutes, we performed a nearly perfect replay of yesterday afternoon: his pants around his ankles and my mouth on his cock, me watching his face in dreamy fascination as he chewed on his lower lip. I was carrying on a fun combination of blowjob and conversation when the alarm on his phone sounded to warn him it was five-thirty.

"Aw, isn't that too bad," I said with a grin, but he turned off the alarm and didn't move.

"I'll take a few more minutes," he said, his voice thick. "I want you to make me come."

If he could get away with a few more minutes, it was more than fine with me; I had plenty of time. My jaw hurt, but he smelled and tasted so good I couldn't have cared less.

"See how far down you can go," he said, and I obediently stuffed his cock as far into my mouth as I could, until I couldn't breathe any more. "We'll make that part of your training," he told me. "Until you can take all of me."

I nodded and licked my hand from wrist to fingertips, then wrapped it around his shaft and went back to work. His breathing gradually became faster and he started to shake, and finally I felt hot liquid trickling down my tongue into the back of my throat. He was quiet as he came, but it was exquisitely beautiful to watch, the expression of intense pleasure that could just as easily have been excruciating pain. I licked him clean, then licked off my fingers while I waited for him to open his eyes.

"Did I do okay, Sir?" I asked.

What I can only describe as a giddy, dreamy smile spread across his face. "Oh yes," he said with a sigh, and I grinned. That grin hasn't left my face all day. It's why I'm hiding behind my computer screen right now.

Half an Hour and a Sofa

Yesterday turned out not at all like I expected it to, or like anyone expected it to...but not badly. I had a lunch date with Aiden again, this time at a cute little Vietnamese restaurant on the top side of the street. There was as much cuddling and cuteness as there was eating.

"I can see you being a very easy woman to fall for," he said. I smiled, thinking that I would say the same about him. I can never seem to actually open my mouth and say these things, though. I'm so shy sometimes.

He went back to work for a few hours, then called me when he was done for the day. I told him to meet me in the next town over from my house, in the same parking lot where we pulled over at two o'clock in the morning a couple of weeks ago and had our first real taste of each other. I beat him there by quite a few minutes, since my drive is less than three minutes in length, and talked to my mom on the phone while I waited for him. I agreed to go up and visit her that evening, then hung up. Aiden arrived a couple of minutes later.

I'd already informed him on the phone that I was going to take him back to my house, so he followed me there. I didn't have any particularly dark intentions, honestly...since we didn't have much time, I figured we would sit on the couch and talk and make out. It was almost five o'clock, and Kevin leaves work at five-thirty, so there was no way we could steal extra time.

The road to hell, as they say...you know, good intentions and all.

Aiden threw me down on the couch and we started kissing passionately, our hands free to roam, knowing there wasn't a street full of people watching us. He pulled up my shirt, and I was reminded momentarily of the last time I had my nipples licked, the other night with Kevin, when I had pushed him off me in disgust. But before my mind could get any farther with its worries, I felt Aiden's tongue and I melted. I'm a fairly quiet sort in bed, at least during foreplay, but I found myself moaning involuntarily. I haven't been that aroused in a long time.

"May I lick your pussy?" he asked with a playful smile, and I said yes. He pulled my enormous bondage pants down to my knees, pushed my ankles over my head, and kneeled on the floor in front of me. Now, while I do enjoy oral in the right situation, it does almost nothing for me in terms of approaching an orgasm. My ex-girlfriend got me to come with just her tongue once, years ago, and it hasn't been done since. Actually, I pretty much refuse to receive oral these days, since I don't like Kevin's technique and don't know how to correct him.

All I can say about Aiden's style is this: he's got skill. Not just skill, but enthusiasm. I didn't reach climax, mostly because I was too nervous about being in my own house with him so late in the day, but I think that in the future there's a good possibility for it. He looked so content with his face between my legs that I didn't feel too awkward, and he seemed to know just what to do with his tongue - fast, light, not too pushy. I rolled my head back and enjoyed myself thoroughly for a few minutes.

As he leaned back for a moment to pull his long hair out of the way, I sat forward and pulled him into a kiss, savoring the taste of my own juices on his face and on his tongue. There are few things I find sexier than licking myself off of my partner's lips.

"I take it you like my work?" he asked.

"Very much." I pushed him onto the other side of the couch, undoing his jeans one-handed and sliding them down. I already knew his cock was larger than the average, but all I could think when I finally saw it was porn star. Feeling it through his pants didn't do it any kind of justice; he wasn't bragging in the least.

I got down on my knees, pushing my laptop computer awkwardly out of the way as I failed to notice it was underneath me, kneeled on it, and nearly cracked the screen. I laughed at my own clumsiness, then wet my tongue and ran it gently along the underside of his huge cock. I'm much more comfortable being on my knees for my partner than vice versa - submissive, remember? - and I happily got to work with my teasing. I had never sucked a cock even close to that size; I could barely fit him in my mouth, and when I did, the thought of breaking my jaw didn't seem so far out of reality.

"Better or worse than you expected?" he asked.

"Good," I said, and stuffed my mouth full again.

I didn't mind the pain in the least. Licking and teasing and sucking, I alternated between closing my eyes for better concentration and opening them to watch the beautiful expressions on his face. His head lolled back on the sofa, then came up again so he could watch me, his eyes half-closed in ecstasy. I could have watched him all day and night as he tried to keep contol, his hair set free and flowing down around his face and shoulders.

It was a good thing he had thought to set an alarm on his phone; it sounded while I was lost in my duty of pleasure, and I reluctantly got off the floor and put myself back together, while he did the same.

"You watch yourself," he whispered in my ear, pulling me into a hug, "I might just slide into you..."

I shook my head, grinning. "I have to leave you waiting for something, don't I? Otherwise I wouldn't be living up to my name of Tease."

He reluctantly agreed, and we prodded each other back into our jackets and boots and headed outside. I locked the door behind me and jumped in the car, not wanting to still be there when Kevin returned. Aiden followed me back to the main road, but turned the wrong way and kept following me when I headed north. I stopped, and he stopped behind me and came up to my window.

"You're a brat," he said with the sort of grin that threatens punishment to the naughty.

"I know," I said smugly. We made plans for him to pick me up at the bus stop in the morning, then went our separate ways. It was about three minutes later that I heard Kevin calling me on the radio. I responded, told him I was going to my mom's house for the evening, then signed off when the signal died and cranked the music.

For the first hour of the drive, I couldn't keep my hand away from my face. I hadn't had a chance to wash it before I ran out the door, and its smell was a wonderful combination of his sex and mine. I bit my lip, wishing there had been time for more, but also enjoying the frustration. I may be Tease, but I love to be teased even more.