After five weeks...and nope, no one was counting. I spent Sunday night at my mom's house to celebrate Mothers' Day (about which she was a total bitch, but that's irrelevant right now), and woke up Monday morning dreaming about him.
"Damn it, I miss you, Aiden," I found myself saying as I slogged through that awkward transition from sleeping to not quite sleeping anymore. He was on my mind all day. After dinner, while Kevin was in the shower, I gave in to the urge I've been fighting since we last talked and logged into a quiz site to stalk him. However, when I discovered the feature that told me the date he had last viewed my page (a week and a half after we last talked), I decided not to view his because I didn't want to show up in the list.
I gave it up, went to take a shower, and then went back to the computer and logged into MySpace. Guess who I had a message from? Yeah, no kidding. It basically said, "I'm not supposed to talk to you, but I can't help it. I miss you. We should do lunch."
It's disconcerting when you're trying to hate someone, or at least forget about them, and then you find yourself squealing with glee at seeing some pixels they put out to you on the internet.
The next morning was my last day of class before finals. Kevin was home from work sick, and I was standing outside waiting for my bus, Aiden drove by. I waved and he pointed to the parking lot.
"Fancy meeting you here," I said, getting into his car. We tried to fit our relative month-long life updates into the ten minute ride, which included him showing me the outline of his new koi tattoo, which, by the way, looks fucking amazing. Its scales are puzzle pieces to symbolize his son, who has autism.
But I digress.
Kevin started in on me that night about Aiden stalking me, because he had seen that I got a message from him. I didn't let him read it, and I didn't let on that I'd seen him in person. Despite that, I got a call the next day from Aiden saying, "Kevin texted me and told me we needed to talk. What happened?"
I went and talked to Kevin, and it seems that nothing at all happened; he's just being paranoid to a level that's extreme even for him.
Anyway, Aiden said he'd been writing at work, a mishmash of letters to me and erotica written in journal form, and he wanted me to read it. I gave him my anonymous email address, then forgot to check it for a couple of days.
I spent the day at home today, sick and miserable, and took the time to read the hodgepodge he had sent me. It was approximately half journal and half erotica; to boil down the nine pages of journal, things are not going well between him and Lily, who seems to have a personality disorder. He's worried about his son but starting to realize that Lily has gone beyond the realm of reason in her psychosis towards him. Nothing really new, just a little more extreme than before.
At a couple of points, he mentioned that he wondered if I was missing him, or if I had moved on and he was the only one feeling lonely. The best reply I have to that is a memory of one night when I went to a bar with Kevin. I got extremely drunk in the hope that I could have sex with him and not remember it later, which pretty much worked. I have a vague memory of handcuffs and that's about it.
What I remember clearly, though, is shutting myself in the bathroom afterwards to clean up. I ended up curled up in a ball on the floor of the shower, trying to sob quietly so Kevin wouldn't hear me, and repeating "I miss you, Aiden, damn it I miss you!" over and over and over. Kevin called through the door and said he could hear me crying and was I okay, and I cleared my voice enough to answer with disdain that of course I was okay and he was clearly nuts. But I didn't get off the floor, and as soon as he walked away I melted down again.
Speaking of Kevin and the shower, he just got out so I have to run. Wren is asleep on the couch next to me with one of our cats and a stuffed penguin.
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