Crack

Why is it that every time I sit down to write, those things I want to write about flee in a panic from my mind, like cockroaches when someone turns the light on?

I've spent the last three days commuting to the other end of the state with Kevin to help him with a work project that got out of hand. Somehow I managed not to kill him after being together twenty-four/seven for five days in a row. Of course, he was thrilled to see so much of me...I was fine as long as we were working (well, mostly), but when we got back home at night I just wished I could closet myself away and disappear until the next morning. I went to take a shower last night when we got home, and just about lost it when he knocked on the door and asked if he could join me. We spent the whole of the last five days together and will be spending the night in the same bed...and I can't have a five minute shower to myself?

Of course, he was all hurt, and when I came back downstairs I got the big pouty face. "I thought you weren't gonna come cuddle with me." I didn't even answer, just shrugged.

I met up with Aiden today, just for a few minutes between his two jobs. We met in a graveyard up the street from the diner, and after an extended giggly hug I hopped up and sat on the trunk of my car. He leaned against the hood of his, then told me, "Get your ass down here."

"Get yours up here," I retorted, patting the trunk lid.

"I don't want to dent your car," he said, looking skeptical.

"Have you seen my car?" I asked, gesturing at the roof. "Dents! Lots of them! It was left out in a hailstorm."

He climbed up and sat next to me. The conversation wandered, as usual, between his wife, Kevin, and the diner. Lily's therapist is suggesting that she be admitted to a psych ward.

"What are you going to do if that happens?" I asked. "You can't work and take care of Aiden."

"I'll...get creative," was the answer.

"Define creative."

"If Lily were to just evaporate right now, as she's been saying she wants to do, I have a couple of friends who would move in with me. They also have a special-needs child, which could be interesting, but I think with three adults it would be better than with me and...whatever Lily is right now."

"I can't imagine your home has very good vibes right now."

"Not most of the time."

He said something interesting, a quote from a friend of his about the situation between us: "While many people would call it morally reprehensible, I don't think feelings like that should be ignored." That pretty much sums up where my head is at right now. I do agree that cheating is morally reprehensible...if anyone were ever to cheat on me, the results would be explosive, to say the least, if I found out.

The fact that Kevin forgave me, if you overlook the creepy factor, seems to say that he's a bigger person in the moral sense than I could ever be. I do feel terrible to be sneaking around behind his back like this. He doesn't deserve it by any stretch of the imagination. I am honestly ashamed of myself at this point.

But I initiated our meeting today, and I know I'll do it again. It's my damn addictive personality. Trying to walk away from this is like trying to quit crack.