The E-word

Here's something I've been meaning to pull out of my mind for a discussion with myself. And, of course, any of you who care to join in.

MDMA, commonly known as Ecstasy or E, is the drug that most people associate with clubbers and ravers. Pop the pill, and suddenly everyone is wonderful. You can identify people who are on it because they're sitting in your lap, stroking your hair (or other parts of you).

Apparently that's not its only use, though. Some psychiatrists take it, in a lower dose of course, to help them empathize with their clients when they've been in the business too long. And some couples take it at home to help with low libido and rebuilding damaged relationships. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this - or should I say, more accurately, where Kevin is going with this. My libido has been practically non-existant lately, and basically he wants to drug me up and see what happens.

When he first suggested it, I was neither excited nor particularly closed-minded about the idea. I didn't think it would do any harm, but I also didn't think it sounded exactly appropriate to our situation. Then some more information came to light the other day when we were discussing the drug in general.

"Couples take it in small doses in their homes for beneficial effect," he said. "It's not like taking way too much and going out clubbing."

"You know if I had it, I'd go clubbing just for the hell of it," I said. I was laughing, but it's true.

"That's not a good idea," he said. "It promotes inappropriate bonding."

"What?"

"It actually physically changes the neural pathways in your brain, basically recoding the way you feel about people around you. People have been known to be in love with one person at the start of the night, take ecstasy, and by the end of the night be in love with someone totally different."

"That's...possible?"

"Oh yeah. Think of it like imprinting, like baby ducks."

"But it goes away when you're sober again, right?"

"No. It's permanent."

And he thinks this is a good way to repair our relationship? To give me a pill that will make me imprint on him like a duckling? Forgive my hasty judgement, but that sounds like a patently terrible idea. Somehow he's convinced that it's "false imprinting" when done with friends in a club, but "therapy" when done at home with one's significant other.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with the idea of a little recreational use every now and then, but this is something else. If we're not getting along, it's a sign that either something in the relationship needs to change, maybe a lot of somethings, or we need to go our separate ways. It's not a sign that I need to start chemically changing the pathways in my brain and encouraging my addictive personality to get itself addicted to something else. Falsely, mind you.

And Kevin is the one who, when he heard that Aiden had mentioned E (not tried to get me to use it, just mentioned it in passing), freaked out and gave me the anti-drug speech. I think I know why now. He handled the information that I had fallen for Aiden freakishly well, but god forbid I should come near drugs with anyone but him.