Dirty Joke Moment

I hereby take a moment from this soap opera to present to you a gem of the internetz.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Addicted To You

I finally got a day to myself yesterday, and I drove up and spent time with Eben and then with Wren without Kevin around. Eben needed his computer diagnosed and fixed, and he bought me lunch in exchange for replacing the hard drive and upgrading the RAM. We also talked a whole lot, of course, since I hadn't seen him one-on-one since that horrible night of the group meeting between me, Kevin, Aiden, and Lily.

Over tuna melts with apple and tomato (better than they sound, I swear), he agreed with my tentative suggestion that Kevin has traits of the codependent personality. Alejandra had mentioned something about that topic to me years ago, but I didn't know much about it, and Eben was able to explain it a little more. When I looked it up on Wikipedia, it talked only about one person enabling another's dependency on a substance, which is obviously not my situation. When I looked up dependency, it redirected to addiction.

What Eben had to say still made a lot of sense, though, and just because Wikipedia didn't mention the case of being addicted to a person doesn't mean it doesn't happen. The way he explained it, one person gets addicted to something that the other provides (in Kevin's case, comfort, ego assurance, something along those lines) and holds on tighter and tighter and tries to control that person out of the fear of losing what they're being given. What they don't realize, of course, is that by holding on so hard they're working against their own best interests by pushing that person away.

As Eben said, "When you first begin a relationship, the puppy-love stage is great. But then you expect it go away, and for you to give each other a little more space. When that doesn't happen, you have something unhealthy."

Interestingly, this is exactly the same way that my last serious relationship crashed and burned. Both of us were doing this exact same thing to each other, except that I realized it before we broke up and she didn't. I wasn't able to break the pattern until I was away from her, but thankfully, I was successful (with significant effort) in doing so when we were finally away from each other.

Now that it's happened twice, I find myself developing a fear that this is going to keep happening to me, that there's something in that dependent personality that attracts me in the early stages of a relationship, and I don't recognize it until I'm way too far in. I never thought I would be that person who would start to push other people away because of past unfortunate experiences; I never understood those people, always thought that they were paranoid and stupid. It's amazing how suddenly and unexpectedly you can become that which you hate, and never see it coming.

Summer Night

I'm lying awake

While you snore on beside me

No summer moon

Shining in the window

Just a flood lamp

In the neighbor's yard

So hot in here

Melting like chocolate

Baking chocolate

The bitter kind

Sweat is dripping

Like tears down my face

The window is open

But I see bars in my mind

An invisible jail

Known only to me

I could open the door

But it's never that easy

Guilt and sweat

Mingled in the sheets

Sticking to my back

As I roll impatiently

Sleep won't come

For many hours yet

Jealous of your rest

But glad for this moment

Here with you

In my own little world

Here with you

With him in my mind

Pull myself up

Wander downstairs

Flip up the latch

And slide open the door

Take a deep breath

Of the black sky

Down the wooden steps

Splinters between my toes

Then cool grass

The whisper of leaves

A single cricket

And I start to run

Sultry pavement

Still warm on my feet

Soothing, encouraging

Telling me to run

Down the street

To anywhere else

But the air is hot

The sweat still drips

The sheets are clinging

Pulling me back

Tear free to find myself

Still next to you

Sit up in a rush

And startle myself

Freedom slipping away

Lie back down, resigned

Stare through the screen

As the bars mock me

Lost in Limbo

This relationship is like banging my head against a wall. An overweight, bleached-blonde wall with a whole lot of paranoid attitude.

The concert on Sunday would have been fun had I just gone with Wren and Bella, but Bella didn't show and of course I had to bring Kevin. A couple of hours in, Kevin finally moved more than three feet away from me and Wren leaned over and whispered, "He's annoying me."

"Me too," I agreed. In a few minutes I managed to send Kevin off on his own to get change and a snack, and Wren and I found a spot in the shade and a few minutes of alone time. "So what exactly is bothering you about him?" I asked, hoping she would pinpoint what was bothering me.

"His existence," was the answer.

That evening devolved into a text war between the three of us (yes, even though we were all sitting right next to each other), as I expressed that I was excited to move in with Wren in the fall, and Kevin got upset that I wasn't distraught over not living with him anymore, and then took it personally when I told Wren what he'd said. He then proceeded the next morning to tell me that "some things should be private," even from my best friend. I told him that was bullshit, and we never did work it out. Well, I told him I would stop telling her things...but I won't, and he should know that. I gave him the disclaimer a long time ago that I tell her EVERYTHING, and if he disagreed, he should have said so then.

Monday being a holiday, I invited Wren and Eben to go swimming with us. I hadn't seen Eben in a month or more, but Kevin got all pissy about not getting to spend the day with just me.

"We were going to go see a movie!" he protested.

"We can see a movie with friends," I suggested, and got a glare in return. "Or we can see a movie another day."

"But today's a holiday."

"A movie doesn't take up the entire day."

"We would have done other things."

So Eben showed up at the house, then Wren, then our friend Rizz that we play pool with. We all piled into my car and headed for the beach, everyone talking and laughing and poking each other and shrieking - except for Kevin, who sat in morose silence in the front seat and played with his phone.

We found a space on the beach and stretched out on towels; unfortunately, I had to share one with Kevin, since we only had one beach towel. Rizz and Kevin eventually wandered away, and just as I was about to start a conversation with Wren and Eben, they came back, apparently having decided that I couldn't be left on my own with friends.

Eben went swimming, and though we were sure the lake was much too cold, Wren and I went and stuck our toes in, mostly because we wanted to be away from Kevin. Of course, he showed up after two minutes, while I was explaining why I haven't already left. At my "heads up," Eben went back in the water.

"Want to go for a walk?" asked Kevin.

"Not really."

He walked away again, looking offended, and Wren and I decided that the water could be frozen and would still be warm enough for making an escape. I was in up to my thighs when Mister Happy Horseshit returned, waded into the water, put his arms around me, and started dragging me in with him.

I would like to take this brief intermission to say that water and I don't always have the greatest relationship. I've nearly drowned three times in my life and I'm terrified of swimming pools. Though I will still swim in the right circumstances, I'm not entirely comfortable with most things that involve a great amount of water, and I have to be in complete control of the situation. I don't tolerate horseplay that involves me, like people throwing me off their shoulders or unexpectedly pushing me into pools.

Needless to say, I freaked out, screamed at him in front of all the families with little kids, and ran back up the beach, where I took over Wren's towel. The two of them showed up right behind me, Kevin annoyed with me and Wren annoyed with him, and he demanded that we go for a walk.

"Why?" I asked, not wanting to go in the least.

"I wasn't going to drag you all the way in," he said. "Don't you trust me?"

"Come on!" said Wren, clearly as fed up as I was. "You can't just drag Sky into the water, you know that, it's not -"

Kevin's glare and "talk to the hand" motion shut her up, and she stood and glared at him.

"Fine," I said, getting up and letting her have her towel back. "Go."

He walked down the beach to a railing that overlooked part of the lake, and I minced along behind him, trying not to cut my feet on the peastone that someone felt was necessary to create a path. The conversation was unnecessarily long, totally unproductive, and on the whole completely unnecessary. I even pointed out that it could have either occurred earlier (before my friends were there) or later (after they left), and that I didn't see the need to interrupt beach day; but of course, his ego couldn't take that, and he insisted that it was that important.

The only thing it did accomplish was getting me to promise myself that I would leave at the first opportunity. The annoyance and negativity finally outweigh the ease and comfort of staying, and the constant stalking and enormous ego have overtaken any regrets at leaving mutual dreams behind. I'll find my own dreams, thank you. I already know what they are.

So perhaps I can't go where I really want to go right now, since I have to come back for school in the fall anyway. But Wren suggested that I look for a job back near her, and when I have one, bounce back and forth between her couch and Eben's until she and I get an apartment in the fall. I think that could be a workable solution. Screw that, a good solution!

TMI Tuesday

1. Before the industrial revolution, most people never traveled more than 30 miles from their home. How far from your birth place do you now live?

About one hundred miles from where I was actually born, and a little over eighty miles from where I grew up. Pathetic, in my mind. I hope to get MUCH farther away.

2. What is the farthest distancet from home you have ever had sex or an orgasm? What is the farthest distance you have travelled from your home to have a sexual encounter?

Couldn't tell you in miles exactly, but it would have been Southern Italy. I could also count France, but I think that's a little closer. (Yes, my geography is embarrassing.) And I've never travelled anywhere for the express purpose of having a sexual encounter.

3. How many states and countries have you had sex and/or an orgasms in?

Five states: New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, and Nevada

Five countries: USA, Canada, France, Italy, Ecuador

4. Have you ever had sex in a vehicle? While the vehicle was moving?

Had sex in the back seat of my old VW out back of a movie theater once, and have given "road head" while doing fifty mph.

5. Do you have any travel related fantasy? If so, share, please.

Not a particular one, though travelling and sex are definitely a good combination!

Bonus: On holidays that honor our military do you tend to rememeber those currently serving or veterans of military service?

Both, though the person foremost in my mind is always my father, who served in the Marines in Vietnam during the early part of the war. He would have been a very different person if he hadn't served, and he would probably still be alive.

TMI Tuesday #188

What's Holding Me Back

The first thing I have to say is, ZomBee, you give the best advice! I get the feeling you have been here before. If you care to share any of your story, I'd love to listen. (Well, read I suppose.)

Anyway, I figured out what's holding me back from leaving right now, when I remembered that my dad's memorial service is set to happen in a month. If I leave now, I can't count on being settled in anywhere else in a month, nor having the money to drive back up here to attend the service. Missing it is absolutely not an option, no matter what else is going on in my life.

Oh, and I have a court date coming up sometime soon, exact date yet to be set. I don't really want to be arrested for not appearing.

But after those things are over? I may well never be seen again.

The Devil's Advocate

I had to cut that last post short when Kevin woke up and came looking for me. Waiting for him to fall asleep again, I fell asleep too and didn't get to finish it.

I'm still here...

I had myself somewhat convinced last night that I would be out of here first thing this morning, so that by the time Kevin got home from work, I would be long gone. Then I remembered that I'm going to a concert and carnival on Sunday with him, Wren, and Bella, and I really don't want to miss it. So I decided to leave on Monday.

Now I don't know if I'm actually going to go. I suppose if things continue the way they were last night, I probably will. I can't continue to live in a swamp of guilt and paranoia and the constant sensation that I'm missing something - someone. I am not a cruel person by nature, but what I'm doing to Kevin right now is the worst thing I'm capable of. Nothing else I could do could possibly hurt him more than if he found out that I'm still seeing Aiden.

I kept asking myself the question last night, "What's keeping me here?" I want to run away, so why haven't I just gone?

I'm afraid it will end up like my last trip south, when I visited Alejandra.

It will hurt Kevin, something I'm trying to avoid. Then again, isn't that why I want to leave? So I can stop hurting him?

I won't see Aiden anymore. But I'm not supposed to be seeing him anyway.

I won't see Wren, Eben, or Bella anymore. That's my biggest holdup. I can't stand the thought of being so far from my friends.

I have no money. No, scratch that - I have less than no money. I have no job and I'm horribly in debt.

But I'd find a way to make some.

How?

I can do all sorts of things... Odd jobs. Play my violin or guitar on the street. Strip.

So what the hell exactly is keeping me here? I can counterargue with myself all day to my reasons for staying. Maybe that's the problem - I think too much. Maybe I should just get in the car right now and go. No, on Monday.

Maybe I should just get in the car first thing Monday morning and go. I feel like the south is calling me. Farther south than I went last time - the deep south. When my mom was just a little younger than I am, she moved from the deep south all the way up here. Perhaps I'm supposed to do the opposite. Just disappear, pop up somewhere else, and start over. Find a new job, a new group of people, a new life. Bella wants to go to Texas.

Why not?

Run Away

Kevin and I watched a movie tonight, had some cookies, and went to bed. He complained that he was so overtired he'd be lucky to fall asleep. Now he's snoring loudly upstairs and I'm back down here, unable to become unconscious.

My friend Bella and I were talking earlier about taking a road trip, just getting away from it all and starting over. We'd have a bunch of fun and cause a bunch of trouble. We'd be roommates, and after she has her baby, she'll join me as a stripper somewhere. I invited Wren, too, but she couldn't agree with us on a destination, so our joking trip remained just Bella and I.

Now I don't think I was really joking. There is a hell boiling in my head that I can't even describe. I'm on the verge of going on a complete bender. I can't tear myself away from Kevin, and I can't quit Aiden, and I can't go on doing what I'm doing. Worst of all, I can't answer the question "Why?" about any of those things.

Half-Nekkid Thursday

The E-word

Here's something I've been meaning to pull out of my mind for a discussion with myself. And, of course, any of you who care to join in.

MDMA, commonly known as Ecstasy or E, is the drug that most people associate with clubbers and ravers. Pop the pill, and suddenly everyone is wonderful. You can identify people who are on it because they're sitting in your lap, stroking your hair (or other parts of you).

Apparently that's not its only use, though. Some psychiatrists take it, in a lower dose of course, to help them empathize with their clients when they've been in the business too long. And some couples take it at home to help with low libido and rebuilding damaged relationships. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this - or should I say, more accurately, where Kevin is going with this. My libido has been practically non-existant lately, and basically he wants to drug me up and see what happens.

When he first suggested it, I was neither excited nor particularly closed-minded about the idea. I didn't think it would do any harm, but I also didn't think it sounded exactly appropriate to our situation. Then some more information came to light the other day when we were discussing the drug in general.

"Couples take it in small doses in their homes for beneficial effect," he said. "It's not like taking way too much and going out clubbing."

"You know if I had it, I'd go clubbing just for the hell of it," I said. I was laughing, but it's true.

"That's not a good idea," he said. "It promotes inappropriate bonding."

"What?"

"It actually physically changes the neural pathways in your brain, basically recoding the way you feel about people around you. People have been known to be in love with one person at the start of the night, take ecstasy, and by the end of the night be in love with someone totally different."

"That's...possible?"

"Oh yeah. Think of it like imprinting, like baby ducks."

"But it goes away when you're sober again, right?"

"No. It's permanent."

And he thinks this is a good way to repair our relationship? To give me a pill that will make me imprint on him like a duckling? Forgive my hasty judgement, but that sounds like a patently terrible idea. Somehow he's convinced that it's "false imprinting" when done with friends in a club, but "therapy" when done at home with one's significant other.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with the idea of a little recreational use every now and then, but this is something else. If we're not getting along, it's a sign that either something in the relationship needs to change, maybe a lot of somethings, or we need to go our separate ways. It's not a sign that I need to start chemically changing the pathways in my brain and encouraging my addictive personality to get itself addicted to something else. Falsely, mind you.

And Kevin is the one who, when he heard that Aiden had mentioned E (not tried to get me to use it, just mentioned it in passing), freaked out and gave me the anti-drug speech. I think I know why now. He handled the information that I had fallen for Aiden freakishly well, but god forbid I should come near drugs with anyone but him.

Blog

So, Aiden found my blog. That's not a problem; I wasn't trying to hide it from him. It's just amusing, reading back over some of the things I've written and realizing he's now read them all. I'm consciously trying not to change my writing style for my new audience, either.

Crack

Why is it that every time I sit down to write, those things I want to write about flee in a panic from my mind, like cockroaches when someone turns the light on?

I've spent the last three days commuting to the other end of the state with Kevin to help him with a work project that got out of hand. Somehow I managed not to kill him after being together twenty-four/seven for five days in a row. Of course, he was thrilled to see so much of me...I was fine as long as we were working (well, mostly), but when we got back home at night I just wished I could closet myself away and disappear until the next morning. I went to take a shower last night when we got home, and just about lost it when he knocked on the door and asked if he could join me. We spent the whole of the last five days together and will be spending the night in the same bed...and I can't have a five minute shower to myself?

Of course, he was all hurt, and when I came back downstairs I got the big pouty face. "I thought you weren't gonna come cuddle with me." I didn't even answer, just shrugged.

I met up with Aiden today, just for a few minutes between his two jobs. We met in a graveyard up the street from the diner, and after an extended giggly hug I hopped up and sat on the trunk of my car. He leaned against the hood of his, then told me, "Get your ass down here."

"Get yours up here," I retorted, patting the trunk lid.

"I don't want to dent your car," he said, looking skeptical.

"Have you seen my car?" I asked, gesturing at the roof. "Dents! Lots of them! It was left out in a hailstorm."

He climbed up and sat next to me. The conversation wandered, as usual, between his wife, Kevin, and the diner. Lily's therapist is suggesting that she be admitted to a psych ward.

"What are you going to do if that happens?" I asked. "You can't work and take care of Aiden."

"I'll...get creative," was the answer.

"Define creative."

"If Lily were to just evaporate right now, as she's been saying she wants to do, I have a couple of friends who would move in with me. They also have a special-needs child, which could be interesting, but I think with three adults it would be better than with me and...whatever Lily is right now."

"I can't imagine your home has very good vibes right now."

"Not most of the time."

He said something interesting, a quote from a friend of his about the situation between us: "While many people would call it morally reprehensible, I don't think feelings like that should be ignored." That pretty much sums up where my head is at right now. I do agree that cheating is morally reprehensible...if anyone were ever to cheat on me, the results would be explosive, to say the least, if I found out.

The fact that Kevin forgave me, if you overlook the creepy factor, seems to say that he's a bigger person in the moral sense than I could ever be. I do feel terrible to be sneaking around behind his back like this. He doesn't deserve it by any stretch of the imagination. I am honestly ashamed of myself at this point.

But I initiated our meeting today, and I know I'll do it again. It's my damn addictive personality. Trying to walk away from this is like trying to quit crack.

Dreaming

So apparently I've started talking in my sleep. That is not only very bad, but not very much like me. I've been known to occasionally mumble something indistinct or blurt out a sentence that makes no sense at all, but last Monday I was a bit too coherent for my own comfort, especially since it was Kevin who reported it to me in the morning.

A few weeks ago, he informed me with a laugh that I'd shouted out during the night, "Two tits and a pancake!" like I was answering a question on a game show. I couldn't remember the dream, but I had to laugh too.

Last Monday, I woke up and said that I'd been having an odd dream...I added in some details, though I no longer remember what it was about. It was completely innocuous, and that's all that sticks in my mind.

"Well, you were dreaming about something else, too," Kevin said, with an edge to his voice that said he didn't like whatever dream he was referring to.

"Why do you say that?" I asked, hoping I was misreading him. I know better than that.

"About 4:30 this morning you said, 'Aiden, why are you here?'"

"Oh. I don't remember what that was about."

"He's the last person I want on your mind!"

There was nothing I could dredge out of my mind in response to that, so I just got up and went to shower.

He said I was talking in my sleep again a couple of nights ago, too, but this time I was just mumbling and unintelligable. It worries me, this whole unchecked mouth thing. There's too much on my mind that I don't want coming out in words to the ears of interested parties, and when I'm asleep I can't check myself.

Speaking of such parties, Kevin is staring at me and starting to ask what the hell I'm typing.

TMI Tuesday

1. Have you ever participated in HNT? If so, when? If not, why not?

Yes, once. Maybe a month or two months ago...

2. Have you ever avoided certain sites because of the HNT pictures that were posted?

Nope, I don't avoid pictures. I'm too curious for my own good sometimes.

3. Have you ever posted a HNT picture that you wish that you hadn't?

No...I've only posted once, hehe.

4. Do you email/text/call anyone regularly with someone you met through HNT?

Nope. I'm not that involved in it.

5. What percentage of your online friends are current or former HNTers?

Don't know...a couple of them.

6. Does anyone in your "real" life know that you do HNT (if, of course, you do)?

One person, as of yesterday.

7. Other than previously-known friends, have you met any fellow HNTers?

Never.

8. Have you ever downloaded someone else's HNT pictures?

BONUS QUESTION: Have you ever submitted a picture for "...the Other HNT"?

I don't even know what that is, but now I want to! It sounds intriguing!

TMI Tuesday - HNT Anniversary Edition!

Meandering

I feel like everything is in limbo right now, just meandering along doing nothing, waiting for something to happen. Whether that something is a miracle or a catastrophe, I have no idea. I'm not sure I want to know.

I can't stay here forever, but I don't know what I want to change. Besides, if I decide on something, something different will undoubtedly happen in its place.

TMI Tuesday on Saturday

I just can't seem to be bothered to post these things on Tuesdays.

1. Which traits from your parents do you see in yourself?

Addictive personality I got from dad...I'll take the workaholic side. I just hope I don't take the alcoholic side with it. From mom, perfectionism and OCD.

2. Which traits from you/your partner do you see in your children (if you don't have kids, which would you like to see)?

Seeing as I don't even like kids and probably don't want any...let's just leave that at "dot dot dot."

3. How did you get the birds-and-bees talk?

Mom sat me down at the age of 9 and told me the facts. Nothing exciting here.

4. What was your favorite childhood book?

I was addicted to the series...Alex Mack, The Babysitters' Club, Sabrina the Teenage Witch...basically the little kids' version of trashy romance novels.

5. What is your favorite piece of erotic literature?

I don't really have one; I honestly don't read much of it. Diana Gabaldon's books are pretty good, though.

Bonus: What is the one thing you wish you could go back and tell yourself as a child?

Draw more.

Double Bonus: If your life were a book or movie, what would the title be?

Fearless in Small Adventure

TMI Tuesday 186

He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)

Aiden's back.

After five weeks...and nope, no one was counting. I spent Sunday night at my mom's house to celebrate Mothers' Day (about which she was a total bitch, but that's irrelevant right now), and woke up Monday morning dreaming about him.

"Damn it, I miss you, Aiden," I found myself saying as I slogged through that awkward transition from sleeping to not quite sleeping anymore. He was on my mind all day. After dinner, while Kevin was in the shower, I gave in to the urge I've been fighting since we last talked and logged into a quiz site to stalk him. However, when I discovered the feature that told me the date he had last viewed my page (a week and a half after we last talked), I decided not to view his because I didn't want to show up in the list.

I gave it up, went to take a shower, and then went back to the computer and logged into MySpace. Guess who I had a message from? Yeah, no kidding. It basically said, "I'm not supposed to talk to you, but I can't help it. I miss you. We should do lunch."

It's disconcerting when you're trying to hate someone, or at least forget about them, and then you find yourself squealing with glee at seeing some pixels they put out to you on the internet.

The next morning was my last day of class before finals. Kevin was home from work sick, and I was standing outside waiting for my bus, Aiden drove by. I waved and he pointed to the parking lot.

"Fancy meeting you here," I said, getting into his car. We tried to fit our relative month-long life updates into the ten minute ride, which included him showing me the outline of his new koi tattoo, which, by the way, looks fucking amazing. Its scales are puzzle pieces to symbolize his son, who has autism.

But I digress.

Kevin started in on me that night about Aiden stalking me, because he had seen that I got a message from him. I didn't let him read it, and I didn't let on that I'd seen him in person. Despite that, I got a call the next day from Aiden saying, "Kevin texted me and told me we needed to talk. What happened?"

I went and talked to Kevin, and it seems that nothing at all happened; he's just being paranoid to a level that's extreme even for him.

Anyway, Aiden said he'd been writing at work, a mishmash of letters to me and erotica written in journal form, and he wanted me to read it. I gave him my anonymous email address, then forgot to check it for a couple of days.

I spent the day at home today, sick and miserable, and took the time to read the hodgepodge he had sent me. It was approximately half journal and half erotica; to boil down the nine pages of journal, things are not going well between him and Lily, who seems to have a personality disorder. He's worried about his son but starting to realize that Lily has gone beyond the realm of reason in her psychosis towards him. Nothing really new, just a little more extreme than before.

At a couple of points, he mentioned that he wondered if I was missing him, or if I had moved on and he was the only one feeling lonely. The best reply I have to that is a memory of one night when I went to a bar with Kevin. I got extremely drunk in the hope that I could have sex with him and not remember it later, which pretty much worked. I have a vague memory of handcuffs and that's about it.

What I remember clearly, though, is shutting myself in the bathroom afterwards to clean up. I ended up curled up in a ball on the floor of the shower, trying to sob quietly so Kevin wouldn't hear me, and repeating "I miss you, Aiden, damn it I miss you!" over and over and over. Kevin called through the door and said he could hear me crying and was I okay, and I cleared my voice enough to answer with disdain that of course I was okay and he was clearly nuts. But I didn't get off the floor, and as soon as he walked away I melted down again.

Speaking of Kevin and the shower, he just got out so I have to run. Wren is asleep on the couch next to me with one of our cats and a stuffed penguin.