Toes in the Water

December and January we spent slowly dancing around and figuring out how we get along these days. I had had a brief relationship with a derby boy - let's call him Hawk - who was very good-looking but did not give one lonely, mountain-dwelling fuck about me, and I was feeling like I had no boundaries. The next time Aiden and I hung out after our second first kiss, we cuddled on the couch. That was it. And it was wonderful.

I came to the realization that 95% of my human contact for the last year had been hitting people on the track. Hello and goodbye hugs with friends were the remainder. Oh, and some nights in Hawk's bed, but I hit my opponents with more caring than I felt from him.

So just cuddling on the couch was amazing and exactly what I hadn't even known I wanted. I didn't miss cuddles until I had them, and then I couldn't get enough. I said not to take offense if I fell asleep there, and Aiden said, "Why would I take offense to you being so comfortable with me that you fall asleep in my arms?"

We talked and talked about nothing and everything, catching up on life, sorting out our past, and sharing whatever was up with our days. I started to feel like I had boundaries again. We live 65 miles apart now, so we'd see each other mostly on weekends. One night the three of us got our drunky pants on while watching a movie, and then Aiden said he wanted to take the two of us upstairs and make us cum our brains out.

We hadn't talked about that. I didn't know Shelby well, and my last experience with poly had me sleeping with a girl I didn't want to sleep with, and I swore I'd never do it again. I freaked out...

...but only in my head. What I actually did was to follow the two of them upstairs and lose my clothes. And freak out about it the entire time. Silently. Because why would I stand up for myself like an adult when I can just melt my brain instead? I have no boundaries.

Nearly five years after we first met and swept each other up in a whirlwind, I finally got to fuck Aiden. To say that I'd been waiting five years for that wouldn't be exactly accurate, since I spent a good chunk of that time pretending he was the scum of the earth. But there were at least many months' worth of pent-up energy.

I'm sure you remember Half an Hour and a Couch, in which I discovered just how big his cock was. Good god. My body did not know how to handle that. I took as much of a fucking as I could take, and finally had to tap out, bleeding and sore and exhausted. Shelby said she had sympathy pains watching me.

I spent the next few weeks mostly pretty thrilled, interspersed with random freakouts. I kept talking to Hawk because I felt like somehow it would keep me from getting in over my head with Aiden; like if he didn't have 100% of my attention, I wouldn't fall into something I couldn't get back out of. Nothing had actually gone on between me and Hawk for several months, and eventually he officially called it off for derby reasons.

There was one Friday night where my plan was to stop by on my way from somewhere, hang out for a bit, and then go home. Aiden's plan was to take my clothes off. I don't think either of us was clear on the other's image of the evening in advance, and there ended up being this stupid battle where he stole my pants in a wrestling match and ran away upstairs with them, and then I fought my way back into them and basically ran. I looked back at that night a few months later and had to laugh at myself.

There was another, similar night, either shortly before or after that one, when I spent the afternoon there and we had a blizzard. By dark, it was coming down like a shaken snow globe, and Aiden and Shelby both told me to spend the night. I said no, and we went back and forth. I didn't have my overnight bag; they had extra toothbrushes. I didn't have my asthma medication; Aiden had some I could use. I had 4-wheel drive and enjoyed driving in the snow; my tires were bald.

When the two of them went out back to smoke pot, I was done. My introvert battery needed a recharge (read: me-time) and I always leave gatherings when the drugs show up. I headed out, slid around a corner and then another one, immediately got lost, parked on a side street to GPS directions, and then nearly got stuck. This was all within half a mile of the house, leaving me 64.5 miles to home.

Aiden texted me and told me to come back. I forged ahead. It took me three hours, but I made it home. The next day I attempted to explain to Aiden what possessed my crazy snow-run, and he seemed puzzled. This explanation deserves its own post, next.