Muckalee Creek Water

The "I Can Haz Feels" post wandered away from the point I was trying to make when it began. Reading all those old chats and things last night was like wading through an emotional swamp, and I came out stinky and dripping.

The thing that bothered me the most was pages and pages of Aiden trying to get my attention and me just ignoring him. For days on end. I can't explain now why I did that. Maybe I was objecting to his pushiness, or maybe I was lost in a fog of depression, or maybe I was mad at him for something. I know I wasn't busy; I was sleeping until lunch and bored all afternoon. And yet, when he would ask if we could meet the next day, I'd say only if I was awake in time.

That befuddles me. Why wouldn't I get up for that? All I had to do was wake up and drive 10 minutes. If only it were that easy now!

One of his messages even said that he would take the morning off from work to see me. We could've had the entire morning. And I didn't go. Would that I could reach back in time and slap past Skylar!

So it's really no wonder that after I spent an afternoon getting piss drunk and playing with razor blades, and then didn't answer him when he wanted to know if I was still alive the next morning, that he got a little annoyed. I was off working with Kevin the next morning, but I certainly could've found 30 seconds to clarify my status as "breathing."

But when his message train took the sudden turn from "please let me know you're alive" to "just tell me what the fuck you want," it was unfair of me to explode back on him for it. I told him that I was desperately in need of help and then threatened him when he offered to help; put myself in danger and wouldn't tell him if I had even survived; and then, when the stress finally showed through, I told him to go fuck himself.

I realize this is water under the bridge, but sometimes processing doesn't happen until a lot of time has passed. He's amazing and forgave me for everything, never even getting mad. The apology I didn't read until five years after the fact said that he blamed himself for lashing out at me when I was in an emotionally fragile state.

Would that I could reach back in time and slap past Skylar. Then again, she might've enjoyed it.