Laid Bare

I haven't fought with anyone in so long that I've forgotten what the process is like. The recovery that followed our fight was entertaining. I floated up from hurt and hiding, to sad and open, where I did some gardening, to a sort of neutral that I might call emotional limbo. Aiden found out that his brother had died unexpectedly the previous night in a heart attack/car crash combination. I said I was sorry and offered to go give him a hug in person, wishing there was more I could do; but as much as any of us wish that we could "make it all better" for the people we love, sometimes it's impossible.

He didn't take me up on the hug, so I went grocery shopping and got some things done around the house. I was chatting with him on and off for the entire day, and he told me I needed a spanking. I recoiled, thinking that if he took me in hand, I would've burst immediately into tears. How could he threaten to hit me then?

By the late afternoon, my libido was making a reappearance, and I was cracking jokes. A little while after that I found myself in the incredibly rare state of being openly emotional in a positive way. Listening to a playlist of alt rock that was new to me probably helped open me up. Aiden said he was sorry to be missing the mushy aftereffects, and I said I was sorry as well. He said I could hold onto that state, but I said no, there's no way it would survive either work or practice.

Taking off my armor means I'm sensitive to the bad around me as well as the good. Being vulnerable in the office or on the track is full of potential to feed me a bad day. Yes, I take responsibility for my own emotions - and I do it by wearing a virtual jacket that lets me deflect any negativity that might come my way. I'm also less inclined to take that jacket off around Shelby after the way she shelled me on Saturday night. The flashing of her mean streak has put me on my guard. I'd seen it before, but this was the first time she directed it at me.

That was a tangent. What I wanted to get at was maybe, even though I can't leave my armor off a lot of the time, I can remember what it feels like to come out and see the light every now and then.