After rereading our letters to each other again, I think I'm beginning to understand a little more of why it was that I swung back and forth between ignoring Aiden and speaking to him. We were both swinging in the wind, and he kept asking me for a commitment, and then giving me nothing to commit to. I didn't want to step out into the complete darkness and be lost. I knew he couldn't be there for me like he wanted to be, and just saying that you wish it were so doesn't make it that way.
He talked a lot about working things out with Lily, enough that I had a strong feeling that if I stepped out, he would turn away, and I'd be left alone. After all, it happened more than once that he turned me away to work things out with Lily. And then he came back. And then he turned me away again. And then he came back...I think I was just trying to pre-empt that final blow.
He's not entirely to blame, of course. We jerked each other around. I'm not saying that what I did was right, or trying to justify my being a bitch. There are clearly more mature ways to deal with uncertainty, and I like to think I've learned some things that would allow me to be better about that now. But, this is how we learn. By fucking up until we get it right.
No comments:
Post a Comment