On Aunt Renee

All of this chatter going on in my head recently about decisions and self and all sorts of complicated human issues has brought one more realization to me. Actually, it's brought quite a few, but there's a particular one that I'm about to discuss.

I have an aunt who nobody in the family really likes because she's a bitch. I won't often call people that, and when I do, I mean it. This woman is cold and sarcastic, likes nothing more than to cut other people down, and can't take what she dishes. While I'm normally up for a good verbal war, she's one I just avoid as best I can, because she tends to hit below the belt.

My mom's and my summation of aunt Renee is that she feels the world owes her something. She grew up poor and with an alcoholic father who, to the best of my knowledge, was somewhat abusive. All of that and possibly other things left her with the impression that the world needs to pay her back for what it took from her as a child. Never mind that she now has a loving husband, a beautiful house, a steady job, and more money than the rest of us. It's become ingrained in her personality that everybody owes her.

It's come to my attention recently that I'm Renee's exact opposite: I feel like I owe the world something. I don't know why, but I've always been like that. I help other people before I help myself, I go out of my way to do random favors and won't accept repayment, and I feel guilty and awkward when someone else does something nice for me. I would happily lend any money I had to a friend in need, but I hate it when my friends buy me things or lend me money, even if I really need it. Wren bought me dinner last week and I didn't even know what do with myself.

While my outlook is certainly more pleasant on other people than Renee's, it needs some work. While I generally consider myself to be an honest person, I trap myself into white lies sometimes, saying things that I know people want to hear just because I can't stand the thought of hurting or displeasing them. When I am forced into giving constructive criticism, I give it so nicely and with so much "oh but everything else is GREAT!" that I don't think people even take me seriously.

And then I get trapped into supporting what I said in the first place if it comes up again. I'm so nice I end up screwing myself, and then I'm too nice to get out of it. I can never say, "Okay, so I lied the first time."

Just one more thing about me that I need to figure out. And then fix.