Silence Breaking Me

He found my car eventually, as I knew he would.

Dear Skylar,
I hate this. You deserve so much better than I am capable of providing right now. My call last night was not one I wanted to make. My heart is being torn apart. You are one of the dearest people that has ever touched my life. I met you at a time my heart was starving. You saw me for who I was and nothing more. You put a smile on my face every day. The more I got to know you the more impressed I was with you as a person. You are so amazingly warm and caring. You have touched me in ways I can not begin to put into words or even touch on fully understanding. I care for you deeply and profoundly. My friendship with you is one of the most treasured parts my life. And yet, I am being told I must tear myself away from you in an attempt to salvage my relationship with Lily. I did not know how to do that in a phone call. You deserve better. I care about you far too much to expect you to put up with the disaster I am currently surrounded in . I am so sorry for dragging you into this.

As you know I began meeting with a therapist on Friday. One of the questions she asked me was if I was actually in love with Lily when we got married. I though I was in love with her, but that question has left me full of questions and doubt. Carolyn (my therapist) also noted that Lily and I had not known each other very long (only a few short months) when she became pregnant. We had just begun o know who and what the other was and was not, what our respective strengths and weaknesses were. When Lily became pregnant she asked me if she should get an abortion. I told her no. She said she did not want to "trap" me. She said she did not want to be a single mother and needed to know I would be there. I have been there. I have done everything I could to be there. But my soul is worn thin. I thought we would be able to make things work and live a fairy tail. Things got rough and we worked through. I worked through. She needed more and more from me and I contiued to try and give and bend to her needs. But I did so at the cost of my own needs. She tells me I treat her like she is stupid because I have terrible hait of over explaining things. So I'm overly verbose and wordy... That doesn't mean I think people are stupid. She tells me I make her feel like she is crazy because sometimes I don't know how to admit the truths that are before me. One of the clearest instances of this was before Aiden was diagnosed as Autistic. She knew something was wrong with him, and I listened to his Doctor and her own mother (A pediatric RN) that he would catch up and that he was just going through a phase. Yes she was right and I was wrong. I had been hoping that she was wrong. I wanted her to be wrong on this. No parent ever WANTS to admit there is something wrong with their perfect child. Deep in my heart I knew something was amiss with Aiden, but I could not bring myself to admit it. I have spent so long trying to make make things work with Lily. I continue to try because I feel I owe it to Aiden. You and I spoke about the fact that it is a bad idea to try and give someone another chance because you feel you owe it to them. I would agree if I felt I owed the chance to Lily, but I feel I must try with every part of my being to make things work for my child. I want you in my life. I told Lily I would make a break in my contact with you while she and I attempt to work things out. I must honor my word on that, despite this I can not stop myself from writing this letter, because I also owed you a full and complete explanation of what is going on and not just the confusing phone call I made to you last night with Lily hanging on my every word. Even as I made that call last night she felt I was not firm enough with reinforcing the need for space and time. I'm so jumbled and confused right now. I have been speaking with lots of my lost friends recently as I go through the most emotionally tumultuous time I have ever faced in my life. One of the themes that seems to keep coming out of those conversations is " There seems to be a lot of Lily not being very nice to Aiden". This is coming from friends who have know Lily and I for years, and often from people that have not seen us for some time. When I brought this up to Lily her response was to justify occasions... " Oh when we saw them last they didn't see the argument we had in the car on the way there" or "Yeah, while you are not very nice to me". I have had very few people in my life tell me that I was a mean person. I tend to pride myself on being a kind person. I will admit that I am often forgetful of things like birthday cards and some of the trivial niceties of our society, but I try to treat everyone with respect and decency whether I feel they deserve it or not.
Currently I feel like a terrible person. I love my son more than ANYTHING in the world. I know I must try to do everything I can for him. I also know though that for him to thrive I must find my own happiness. My issue is I do not know if I will be able to find MY happiness in my relationship with Lily. I know I am repeating myself over and over.
I know if I fail in my marriage that I am going to need time to heal my heart before I would dare endeavor another romantic relationship. I care too much about you to want to see you hurt by my damaged heart. I know you and I have an amazing connection and you are so incredibly dear to me. I can not stand to know I continue to hurt you. I am rambling on and on. My writings to you have become an outlet for what is actually going on in my head and my heart. I pour my feelings out to you. I am not treating you fairly. It is not your responsibility to absorb this. I am SO confused. Part of me wants to simply run away, but I know I can not do that. I have responsibilities I must take care of. I put the needs of other ahead of my own. I am so lost. I know that if I fail to find my own happiness I will never be able to be the father my son deserves.

On Saturday afternoon she found her way into my facebook account. Apparently I had forgotten to log out of it on Friday. She had found the messages exchanged between us and sent you a few herself. When I got home she smacked me. I actually felt I deserved it, as it is not fair of me to lie to her. I do not like lying to my wife. Lily knows exactly how to push my buttons. Lily knows the Aiden is the center of my universe. As a result she knows that every time she frames the debate as me giving up on the and giving up on him it tears my heart to pieces. I will NEVER give up on my son. But I am left to question just what I am supposed to do. I can not stand the tempest that currently fills my heart. Lily keeps asking if I'm waiting for some concrete thing to happen before I leave. Am I waiting to get the car from her brother? Am I waiting for this? Am I waiting for that? I am not waiting for anything. What I am trying to do is figure out what the right thing to do is. I am rying to figure ou what I want to do. I don't even know if I actually want to try and make things work with Lily. She thinks my feelings of uncertainty and because you are in my life and because I plan to flee from her and into your arms. You know I would not do that. I care too much about out friendship to want to risk damaging it by leaping into anything. I want to be friends with you foreve and no matter what. Meeting you has made me think and think and think. You helped me to rediscover my own happiness. Unfortunately it came at a high price for her. I want to scream. I want to curl up in a ball. I want to not hurt. Writing this I sound so Goth. At least that makes me laugh.
I am not a melancholy perso generally, as I am sure you are well aware. I generally think of myself as a good person though Lily has done an amazing job of making me question that at this point. She thinks she is still deeply in love with me. For all I know that may be true. The real question for me is "am I in love with her?" I know I love her and to an extent always will as she is and will always be the mother of my child. I am trying to determine if maintaining a romantic relationship with Lily is possible. I am so overwhelmed with feelings I do not know how to handle. Right now I want nothing more than to curl up in your arms and have my dear friend Skylar tell me I will get through this and that I will be OK. At this point in the short time I have known you, I have allowe myself to express my emotions freely and openly. As I type here at work I have to stop periodically to keep myself from crying. I don't cry often. Why am I more afraid of loosing you as a friend than I am of loosing Lily as my wife? How can it be that someone I have just met less than two months ago has had such an impact on me? Why is it that I can not bring myself to tear myself away from you? No doubt reading my letter is going to create more questions for than answers. For that I am sorry. You deserve so much better than I am able to provide you right now either as a friend or more than that. I love the tender moments that we share. The touch of you fingers on my skin. Looking into your eyes and feeling that you accept me as I am and not as you believe I should be. Being with you makes me feel amazing. The thought of tearing you out of my life hurts more than I describe. It is not fair of me to string you through this as I attempt to untangle the mess that I am in.

If I could have simply lusted after you... I could walk away. If I could believe our connection was only due to circumstances... I could walk away. If I could only walk away... Skylar, you have burned a place deep in my heart. I do not know how to even begin to walk away from you but I know it is not fair to continue to hurt and confuse you.

The more I think about what is going on the more conflicted I become about what I should do. Three weeks ago I tried to walk away from Lily. When I told her what had happened between you and I, I expected her to tell me to go and never come back. She then told me a was a coward to try and walk away. She railed at me for trying to "Give up on 'US' ". I am still questioning if trying is what I should do or if yet again I am trying to make everyone happy without concern for my needs.

I wish I knew what to do. I hope I can keep you in my life, but for the moment I am going to need to take some space even as it tears me apart. I need to take some time to try and figure out what my next step in my life is. Trying to make sense of what has happened over the better part of a decade is so difficult and painful. I wish I could have you hold my hand as I fight through this, but I must do it alone. I must figure out what the right thing to do is and face my choices. If ou choose to tell me to walk away from you for good I will. I owe you what ever I can do. I hope when I get through this seemingly impossible piece of my life you will again be able to welcome my friendship in your heart. I will always be ready to welcome you back into my life. I will alway have a very special place in my heart for you. On my side the door will always be open, but I will understand if you need to lock the door on your side.
It is with a heavy and broken heart that I type any of this letter. I worry with each word that I type I may be pushing away one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me. I worry that I will explode as I think again my of the feelings and emotions I have been so free to share with you are again going to be bottled up at a time when the free flow of my emotions and thoughts is so critical to my growth as a person and to my solving of a difficult solution. I hate how I feel right now.

Pardon my endless prattling. I will see Carolyn again on Monday of next week and should begin couples counseling with Lily shortly. You will be in my thoughts and I hope for the very best for you. I hope I will be able to reconnect with you soon.

Forever your friend and most humbly,
Aiden

P.s. Please send me confirmation you have received this letter. Send it to me via my email address. I need to know you recieved it. I hope I can ave you back in my life when I am in a better place to be your friend. I am so sorry for all the pain I can caused you.

I still haven't replied. I don't know what to say.