Lost and Sinking

I took the bus into town today between classes and walked until I found Aiden's car. I wanted to be sure he was at the office before I called him. Finding the car in its usual place, I called his work number, and since he doesn't have caller ID, he answered.

"I know I'm not supposed to contact you," I said. "But I just wanted to let you know you can have your job back. I got fired."

"Why?"

"The manager hated me, you know that."

"Oh. Uh, I think my wife sent you a complicated message..."

I sighed. "Haven't seen it yet. Thanks for the warning."

"She found the letter you wrote me."

"What? Why didn't you throw that out?" I tried to be angry and failed.

"I thought I had."

After we hung up, I put my headphones back on and walked back up the street. I was twenty feet from his office door when he came out and started walking the other way.

"Oy!" I yelled. I don't know why I use that as a greeting; I always have. He didn't break stride. "Oy!" I yelled again, louder this time, and the man next to him turned around. Aiden turned around, too, stopped, and looked utterly confused.

I caught up to him, tucking my headphones back in my pocket. "Hi. Sorry. I didn't know you'd be outside or I'd have gone the other way."

"I didn't know I was going outside either," he said.

"Ah." That was as equally meaningless as explanatory.

"Should we go talk?" he asked.

"Sure."

We walked up the alley to the back parking lot and stood against the wall under the half-roof. Pulling a cigarette from his pocket, he leaned against the wall and tipped his head back. His head hit the wall and a startlingly loud crack issued from the connection point. We looked at each other, considering the potential merits of laughing.

"That just sums it all up right there," he announced, and I burst into laughter and couldn't stop. I was nearly in tears when I finally found my breath again. He still hadn't lit the cigarette for his own laughter.

We talked for a few minutes, but nothing new or spectacular came up. I told him I hadn't replied to his letter because I had been considering what to say to the point where I'd been unable to say anything. He talked a little about his shrink and about his wife, and I told him the story of my getting fired this weekend. I said I was back with Kevin but the honeymoon was over and I was on the verge of breaking up with him again. He said he didn't like how he'd left things with the phone call; I understood that there was someone else in the room with him at the time. His wife won't let him even be friends with me now. I get it.

We hugged before he went back to work.

"I miss you," I said. There was so much more behind those words that I couldn't say, wouldn't have the time or the permission to express, and he knew it.

"I miss you too," he said. I stood on the sidewalk, watching him as he walked into his office without looking back. Then I jaywalked against the light, half hoping that a car would come speeding by at exactly the wrong moment.

In the last five months, I've lost five members of my family to death. One friend to a stupid fight. One friend to a breakup. The boyfriend I thought was forever. My home. My job. My best friend and confidante. I'm dropping out of school.

What do you do when you have nothing left to lose?