The world turned upside-down again this weekend. I don't mean to sound surprised...I don't expect anything less of it these days. It's almost become a form of entertainment, just watching my life to see what else can possibly happen. Almost.
Friday night I agreed to hang out with Kevin. We went to dinner with the idea of playing pool afterward, but dinner ended up being horribly awkward and I pretty much told him, in politer terms, to leave me the hell alone and stop hounding me. I chose to skip the pool afterward because my mood was crashing fast and I wanted to get out of there. On the drive back to the house so I could get my car, he said, "Fine, I'll be your friend."
"You don't have to if you don't want to," I said, well aware that it probably wouldn't work anyway. I drove back to Wren's house in a nasty funk, feeling like I'd been unnecessarily rude to him, but lacking a better way to get the point across.
Saturday I worked until 3:30, then called him afterward to see if he wanted to do lunch. I felt bad for how the previous night had gone, and though it wasn't in my plans to actually apologize, I wanted to at least try to make it up. I didn't want him thinking I was angry with him, because I wasn't. I just don't express my thoughts well in person.
When I reached the house, he was working on his new-old motorcycle, and I held the new carb intake boots in place while he finished attaching them. Then I took a shower and we went to lunch. I have honestly no idea what had changed between that afternoon and the night before, but lunch was actually a pleasant experience. After we ate, he let me drive the truck up the mountain - the same place I got my car stuck with Aiden, except in the truck we went all the way to the top. He's teaching me how to properly go muddin'. I want to run the Baja 1000 someday.
We made it to the top with no problems, the formerly blue truck now entirely brown. We wandered around for a few minutes, enjoying the view of the valley, then walking back to the cell towers and laughing about the time we fucked up there and almost got caught by a family of hikers. As we were walking back to the truck, he pulled me into a hug. It was nice being up there in the peace and quiet, in weather that was finally nice, in a hug that felt comfortable. He tried to kiss me, and I ducked away, but some part of me tried not to.
We got back in the truck and I drove back down the mountain, then went and found more mud out by the old train switching station. I learned why you close the windows when you go bombing through mud like that: otherwise it gets IN the truck and not just ON the truck. Fortunately it was mostly on me and not the upholstery.
When we got back to the house, I curled up on the couch, Kevin curled up behind me, and we fell asleep for several hours. A little while after that, I found myself naked in his bed...honestly, I don't know what changed in my head to make me do that. It was a disaster anyway. Normally, Kevin is what most women wish they had in bed - he gets hard before his clothes are even off, lasts for hours, and can multiple-orgasm five times in a row. What can I say, I've been spoiled...so when he couldn't get it up no matter what I did, couldn't get it in, and lasted about thirty seconds, it didn't go over too well with me.
He said that he was out of practice (which surprised me) and nervous (which I didn't understand). I gave him a few minutes to explain, but when nothing made sense and I still felt used and insulted, I finally left. I was on my way back to Wren's, but somehow I ended up back at the bar in town with Kevin. We said nothing of what had just happened, but drank and shot pool and joked with the yokels, and I snuggled with the bar cat when he came and settled down on my jacket. After that we went to get dinner at my diner, then went to another bar and played more pool and air hockey until close. I spent the night in his house, in his bed, curled up in his arms.
The next morning we tried the sex thing again...it went even worse than the night before. I had told myself I wouldn't try again, but you know how well promises like that hold up when you're not getting any. We drove to Wren's house so I could pick up my schoolbooks and computer and then came back down. I made plans with him to go to a movie and have dinner that night, but when Wren called and invited me to go out with her and some other people and I looked bummed, Kevin told me to go with them instead.
So I went to a movie with Wren and her boyfriend, and her friend Shannon and her boyfriend. Aiden called me halfway through, and though I wanted to talk to him, I shut my phone up and put it away. As we were leaving I texted him a question mark, and he immediately called me back.
"So, I guess you got some interesting messages on Facebook," he said.
"I haven't been on in a couple of days," I answered. "What are you talking about?"
"I forgot to log off," he explained, sounding utterly miserable. "Lily went through my profile and read my messages. Listen, if I'm going to work on my marriage, I need some space..." He went on like that for a few more minutes until I told him I had to go. Disconcerted, mentally fucked up and steaming mad, I drove to Kevin's to pick up my books, then back to Wren's for the night.
As I'd guessed, Lily had used Aiden's account to send me a couple of really unnecessarily inflammatory and insulting messages, which I read and then ignored. After talking with Wren for a while, I calmed down enough to sleep.
I worked lunch again the next day, and I was in the kitchen when the bartender found me and said, "You just got seated. Somebody specially requested your section."
"Of course he did," I said, knowing it was Kevin. I hadn't told him the night before what had happened, because I hadn't had the words, and he was worried about me. I explained the short version, leaving out the part where Aiden and I were sort of dating again, and just saying that Lily had flipped out that we were talking at all.
"See, that's why I won't talk to them anymore," he said, like he was vindicated.
When I got out of work I had a text from my mom saying to call her immediately, which is never a good sign. Upon doing so, I was informed that my grandmother had died. That's the fifth death in my family in the last six months. I'm almost getting used to this.
I went to do laundry, and Kevin met me there when he got out of work. While waiting for the clothes to dry, he took me out for a drink. One of his friends called and he ignored it, but when he said the guy probably wanted to play pool, I told him to call back. I had homework, but it wasn't going to get done; I needed to get out and have some fun. So after dinner we met his friend Rizz at a taproom a few towns over and drank and shot pool. Rizz and I got along great, and it was the most fun I've had in a while. When Rizz left, Kevin and I went downstairs and I sang karaoke.
I stayed at the house again last night. I don't know where this is going, but I've agreed that we're "casually dating," though I've also made it quite clear that I'm living on my own and not moving back in. What I don't know is whether this is the real thing or just a honeymoon phase, a short spike of excitement due to having been apart for a month that's going to fade out again soon.
And as for Aiden, I know those weren't his words. He only told me that to appease Lily, but what he doesn't realize is that he's fucking with the wrong broad. He tried to call me at least eight times today, all of which I studiously ignored. Then he messaged me, and I ignored that too. He says he's got a letter for me, but he can go set that letter on fire and shove it. He told me to get lost, and he better have meant it, because that's what I'm doing. He won't find my car to leave that letter on if I can help it, and he sure as hell won't hear from me.
I know he misses me, and I want him to hang and twist and experience lasting and excruciating pain. Hey, I never said I was nice. At least I'm honest.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
The Unexpected Revelation
I met with Aiden again on Wednesday afternoon. I watched him cross the street, and as soon as he reached me, he handed me a letter.
"Uh oh," I said with a laugh. We went and sat in my car while I read it.
(sic) again for everything in italics.
Skylar,
Again this is coming out with no filters. Normally that doesn't happen for me. I don't share my feeling or express what's going on in my head. For some reason I feel I can share myself with you like this. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse.
Damn it I hate this. Nothing I am going to do or say is going to make anything any better and will just make things worse. At least I hope it serves as some clarification. Who knows but here we go. I will begin meeting with a therapist on Friday 3/26 I hope I can sort out some of what goes on in my head. I certainly hope it will help.
Here I am.. I'm not supposed to talk to you as I"m trying to work things out with my wife. Yet I can't get you out of my head. She says perhaps down the road she will be ok with us being friends but for right now she can not deal with even the thought of you and I talking. So much so that she freaked out about me trying to create a shift exchange group of which you would be a member.
So what am I doing? I'm sneaking around to secretly meet you. Writing long letters and tearing myself apart. I simply can not stop thinking about you. I don't know what to do. Lily does not know if she will ever be able to trust me again after what I did. Even if she does I don't know what will happen. I'm trying to figure out what I want. We recently had a "honeymoon" period that really seemed like things were going to be looking up. For that I was hopeful. Aiden deserves to have his parents try to make it work. Will that continue? I have no idea.
I know I need to be happy. You have made me happier that my words can say. When I asked "If I could keep you" I meant it from the depths of my heart. I adoe you. If I could think only and entirely of myself I could not bear to let you go. I beam when I am with you. I smile simply thinking about you. You delivered joy back into my life. Having you unwilling to even look at me clawed my heart to bits. When I told you things were looking up with Lily , my happiness is that Aiden may have a better shot. I owe it to him to try to make things work between his mother and I. As I said I need to be able to tell him I tried my hardest to make it work.
I am torn between my desires and the needs o fmy child. I know Aiden deserves better than I have recently provided him. One of my great worries is that Lily is going to decide to use Aiden as a pwn against me even if it is not actually intentional. I worry that if I do walk away that she is going to tell Aiden that I gave up on our family and that I gave up on him. I don't know what to do about that as I can not bear the thought of losing my child. Lily knows this. She is very hurt by what I have done.
That is whats causing my "Spinning". It's sort of like being drunk and not knowing where equilibrium is.
I never set out to break your heart, or mine... I made an amazing mess and now we are all trying to pick up the pieces.
I lied to you. But I did out out of an vain attempt to keep both of us from getting hurt worse. I utterly failed in that. I lied to you because I was lying to myself. The afternoon I told you it could have been worse, really, it was worse. I wanted to tell you how I really felt. I was falling deeply in love with you. I hid the truth from you on that and as you came clean I feel I should as well. It was not fair of me to obfuscate my feelings even if I did do it with the best of intentions. I'm crazy about you. You grabbed my heart. You woke me up. You made me feel. You make me WANT to be romantic. The friends of mine I told were DUMBFOUNDED that anyone had inspired me to be even slightly romantic. Normally I'm romantic only at the end of a threat, both Lily and Giselle would attest to that. My connection ith you is something else entirely. I hid what was going on in my heart because in my head I did not want to make an already difficult situation more unbearable. What I was feeling I could not admit to myself. I had been hoping for your sake your feelings had not grown as deep as mine. I thought telling you how I really felt what have caused you more pain. I was wrong and for that I am sorry. One thing I will never be sorry about thought is how you have touched my life and my soul. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. As I have said on several occasions my connection with you transcends the physicality. No doubt I have experienced raging passions for you and our chemistry is awe inspiring but I also found great calm peace and bliss simply drifting off in your arms. Looking deep in to your beautiful eyes and and drinking you in. I dreamt of falling asleep with you in my arms and lazy mornings. My dreams are filled with tender moments with you, ot just flashes of heat and passion. In a different circumstances I would have completely fallen head over heels in love with you... I know because I was tumbling down that path. Knowing this is going to just make things so much worse isn't it? Just exactly what I was hoping to avoid.
Why do you think it is that I keep contacting you despite knowing the risk? I hold you with such esteem and regard that I can't bear the thought of the pain and hurt I have caused you. I look for hwatever I can do to right the wrongs that I have inflicted on you and your life. What I did was not fair. I hope eventually I can make things right with you. Yet despite the pain I have caused you, you are still willing to call me friend. You amaze and astonish me. Thank you for touching my life.
Still Humbled
Aiden
"Did you really believe me when I said that?" he asked, referring to when he told me that things could have been worse.
"I was a little puzzled by it," I said slowly, trying to think back to what exactly I had believed, "But I just assumed you were telling the truth."
"Well, now you know."
"Thank you."
"Uh oh," I said with a laugh. We went and sat in my car while I read it.
(sic) again for everything in italics.
Skylar,
Again this is coming out with no filters. Normally that doesn't happen for me. I don't share my feeling or express what's going on in my head. For some reason I feel I can share myself with you like this. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse.
Damn it I hate this. Nothing I am going to do or say is going to make anything any better and will just make things worse. At least I hope it serves as some clarification. Who knows but here we go. I will begin meeting with a therapist on Friday 3/26 I hope I can sort out some of what goes on in my head. I certainly hope it will help.
Here I am.. I'm not supposed to talk to you as I"m trying to work things out with my wife. Yet I can't get you out of my head. She says perhaps down the road she will be ok with us being friends but for right now she can not deal with even the thought of you and I talking. So much so that she freaked out about me trying to create a shift exchange group of which you would be a member.
So what am I doing? I'm sneaking around to secretly meet you. Writing long letters and tearing myself apart. I simply can not stop thinking about you. I don't know what to do. Lily does not know if she will ever be able to trust me again after what I did. Even if she does I don't know what will happen. I'm trying to figure out what I want. We recently had a "honeymoon" period that really seemed like things were going to be looking up. For that I was hopeful. Aiden deserves to have his parents try to make it work. Will that continue? I have no idea.
I know I need to be happy. You have made me happier that my words can say. When I asked "If I could keep you" I meant it from the depths of my heart. I adoe you. If I could think only and entirely of myself I could not bear to let you go. I beam when I am with you. I smile simply thinking about you. You delivered joy back into my life. Having you unwilling to even look at me clawed my heart to bits. When I told you things were looking up with Lily , my happiness is that Aiden may have a better shot. I owe it to him to try to make things work between his mother and I. As I said I need to be able to tell him I tried my hardest to make it work.
I am torn between my desires and the needs o fmy child. I know Aiden deserves better than I have recently provided him. One of my great worries is that Lily is going to decide to use Aiden as a pwn against me even if it is not actually intentional. I worry that if I do walk away that she is going to tell Aiden that I gave up on our family and that I gave up on him. I don't know what to do about that as I can not bear the thought of losing my child. Lily knows this. She is very hurt by what I have done.
That is whats causing my "Spinning". It's sort of like being drunk and not knowing where equilibrium is.
I never set out to break your heart, or mine... I made an amazing mess and now we are all trying to pick up the pieces.
I lied to you. But I did out out of an vain attempt to keep both of us from getting hurt worse. I utterly failed in that. I lied to you because I was lying to myself. The afternoon I told you it could have been worse, really, it was worse. I wanted to tell you how I really felt. I was falling deeply in love with you. I hid the truth from you on that and as you came clean I feel I should as well. It was not fair of me to obfuscate my feelings even if I did do it with the best of intentions. I'm crazy about you. You grabbed my heart. You woke me up. You made me feel. You make me WANT to be romantic. The friends of mine I told were DUMBFOUNDED that anyone had inspired me to be even slightly romantic. Normally I'm romantic only at the end of a threat, both Lily and Giselle would attest to that. My connection ith you is something else entirely. I hid what was going on in my heart because in my head I did not want to make an already difficult situation more unbearable. What I was feeling I could not admit to myself. I had been hoping for your sake your feelings had not grown as deep as mine. I thought telling you how I really felt what have caused you more pain. I was wrong and for that I am sorry. One thing I will never be sorry about thought is how you have touched my life and my soul. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. As I have said on several occasions my connection with you transcends the physicality. No doubt I have experienced raging passions for you and our chemistry is awe inspiring but I also found great calm peace and bliss simply drifting off in your arms. Looking deep in to your beautiful eyes and and drinking you in. I dreamt of falling asleep with you in my arms and lazy mornings. My dreams are filled with tender moments with you, ot just flashes of heat and passion. In a different circumstances I would have completely fallen head over heels in love with you... I know because I was tumbling down that path. Knowing this is going to just make things so much worse isn't it? Just exactly what I was hoping to avoid.
Why do you think it is that I keep contacting you despite knowing the risk? I hold you with such esteem and regard that I can't bear the thought of the pain and hurt I have caused you. I look for hwatever I can do to right the wrongs that I have inflicted on you and your life. What I did was not fair. I hope eventually I can make things right with you. Yet despite the pain I have caused you, you are still willing to call me friend. You amaze and astonish me. Thank you for touching my life.
Still Humbled
Aiden
"Did you really believe me when I said that?" he asked, referring to when he told me that things could have been worse.
"I was a little puzzled by it," I said slowly, trying to think back to what exactly I had believed, "But I just assumed you were telling the truth."
"Well, now you know."
"Thank you."
Thursday, March 26, 2009
First Letter from Aiden
This is the letter that Aiden left me. There are too many typos to include (sic) on every one; I typed it perfectly verbatim.
Dear Skylar,
Sitting at my desk I had a chance to reread the letter you had written me. Following our conversation and with a bit more time to reflect I truely felt I needed to give you a more complete response. I'm not going to try and say the right things, not going to try to make myself look good or any such nonsense. I am going to write this as a stream of consiousnes so please forgive me for they typos, but I want to be open. There is just no easy way to write a letter like this, or if there was I certainly do not know it. You never deserved to be hurt by me, or anyone else. At no point did I ever intend to string you along, "play you" or toy with your emotions. As I have said to you on numerous occasions it had been a VERY long time since I had developed an real close friends. With you I found myself developing a profound and powerful connection. I opened myself to you in ways that were very foreign to me. I am very angry with myself for damaging though I hope not destroying the friendship and trust that you shared with me. I care for and value my friends and they deserve far better than you have recieved from me.
You succeed in making my heart sing, you got me to open up and share my feelings. You know I had not always been miserable with Lily. My relationship with her got off to a good start but over the course of almost 9 years we had grown apart, were barely speaking, and as she herself said she considered us housemates and barely even friends. You came into my life as a shining light. Your smile lit up my day and my universe. Even my mother had commented on how much more cheerful I had become. I blamed it on enjoying my new job but she saw right through that. My mother knew that my new friend Blue had awakened something inside of me that had lain dormant for a long time. When I said in front of Kevin and Lily that everything romantic between y ou and I was finished we both new that was lip service to appease both of them. The day that I told Lily of our involvement I was ready to walk out the door and away from her. In the following days something changed between Lily and I. I realized I owed my son better. I needed to try with everything I ahd to try and work through things with Lily for his benefit. Somewhere in that decision things changed with Lily and the channels of communication opened and with it I found a possibility to make things work. Lily recently wrote a Myspace post in which she talked of feeling betrayed by me for my actions. One of the pieces she brings up in it is the fact that my father left his first wife and spent the rest of his life trying to repair the damaged relationships with his children. That part truely resonated with me. My son does and will always come first in my life. I bear complete and total responsibility in all my actions to him. I owe it to him to try and make things work with his mother. I have no idea what will happen between Lily and I in the future, but I need to be able to tell my son I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work with his mother.
Do you know why I told you that if things did not work out with Lily I wanted us to work on our friendship first and not allow ourselves to be swept directly into a romantic relationship? I cherish my friendship with you. I have deep admiration for the person that you are and the person I know you are yet to become. I am not good at this... I am at a loss as to what to do now. I know that I need to respect whatever decisions you m ake regarding any future interactions with me. And while it will pain me deeply if you need to hate me I will understand it and I deserve it. I never meant to hurt you, but now that I have I must do what I can to make it right.
I'm getting kicked out of the office now so I am going to have to call this complete, though it is far from it.
I thought it important to get some of the thoughts slipping through my head down for you or for me to read. I'm going to tuck this on your windshield.
I hope I am not making things more difficult for you. I've already caused you far too much heartache. I am going to try to make things work with my family.
You are an amazing person who I have great respect for and will always have a very special place in my heart. Again, I want to help heal the hurt I have caused you and will do what I can in my power to do so.
Humbly and with great respect
Aiden G
I sent him a reply on Facebook that night.
Thank you for your letter, and for listening to me and being so patient with me today. I'm not angry anymore...I was, very much so, but it was mostly due to believing the newest in the string of rumors. I could say I should have known better, but I don't know what to believe anymore.
Anyway, I'm not angry, and I don't hate you. I know I said I did, and it's the way I felt at the time. But the bottom has fallen out of my energy to go on being angry - it really takes a lot to maintain that level of hate and madness. I'm not the sort that holds grudges.
I'm left with being hurt, but I'm not looking for an apology; you've already said that, and it's my fault as much as yours that we are where we are now. I don't know what to do now any more than you do, and I don't know how to figure it out. If it's possible, I'd like to salvage a friendship...but at the very least, it's going to take some work, and at the most, I'm afraid it will be quite a while before it's possible. I don't know where in that spectrum we'll actually land.
All I know is right now I want to curl up in a ball and cry and magically get a new life. You have probably noticed about me that it's rare I will ever say anything like that, to anyone. It's a sign that some part of me deep down somewhere still wants to trust you. All I can say now is to repeat myself again: I don't know where to go from here, what to do. I have truly no idea.
Oh, and one question: when you said earlier that you were "spinning," what exactly did you mean? I didn't get the chance to ask.
Two days after this, we met up again and he gave me another letter. That one contained an unexpected, though not entirely surprising revelation. Coming soon to a blog near you!
Dear Skylar,
Sitting at my desk I had a chance to reread the letter you had written me. Following our conversation and with a bit more time to reflect I truely felt I needed to give you a more complete response. I'm not going to try and say the right things, not going to try to make myself look good or any such nonsense. I am going to write this as a stream of consiousnes so please forgive me for they typos, but I want to be open. There is just no easy way to write a letter like this, or if there was I certainly do not know it. You never deserved to be hurt by me, or anyone else. At no point did I ever intend to string you along, "play you" or toy with your emotions. As I have said to you on numerous occasions it had been a VERY long time since I had developed an real close friends. With you I found myself developing a profound and powerful connection. I opened myself to you in ways that were very foreign to me. I am very angry with myself for damaging though I hope not destroying the friendship and trust that you shared with me. I care for and value my friends and they deserve far better than you have recieved from me.
You succeed in making my heart sing, you got me to open up and share my feelings. You know I had not always been miserable with Lily. My relationship with her got off to a good start but over the course of almost 9 years we had grown apart, were barely speaking, and as she herself said she considered us housemates and barely even friends. You came into my life as a shining light. Your smile lit up my day and my universe. Even my mother had commented on how much more cheerful I had become. I blamed it on enjoying my new job but she saw right through that. My mother knew that my new friend Blue had awakened something inside of me that had lain dormant for a long time. When I said in front of Kevin and Lily that everything romantic between y ou and I was finished we both new that was lip service to appease both of them. The day that I told Lily of our involvement I was ready to walk out the door and away from her. In the following days something changed between Lily and I. I realized I owed my son better. I needed to try with everything I ahd to try and work through things with Lily for his benefit. Somewhere in that decision things changed with Lily and the channels of communication opened and with it I found a possibility to make things work. Lily recently wrote a Myspace post in which she talked of feeling betrayed by me for my actions. One of the pieces she brings up in it is the fact that my father left his first wife and spent the rest of his life trying to repair the damaged relationships with his children. That part truely resonated with me. My son does and will always come first in my life. I bear complete and total responsibility in all my actions to him. I owe it to him to try and make things work with his mother. I have no idea what will happen between Lily and I in the future, but I need to be able to tell my son I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work with his mother.
Do you know why I told you that if things did not work out with Lily I wanted us to work on our friendship first and not allow ourselves to be swept directly into a romantic relationship? I cherish my friendship with you. I have deep admiration for the person that you are and the person I know you are yet to become. I am not good at this... I am at a loss as to what to do now. I know that I need to respect whatever decisions you m ake regarding any future interactions with me. And while it will pain me deeply if you need to hate me I will understand it and I deserve it. I never meant to hurt you, but now that I have I must do what I can to make it right.
I'm getting kicked out of the office now so I am going to have to call this complete, though it is far from it.
I thought it important to get some of the thoughts slipping through my head down for you or for me to read. I'm going to tuck this on your windshield.
I hope I am not making things more difficult for you. I've already caused you far too much heartache. I am going to try to make things work with my family.
You are an amazing person who I have great respect for and will always have a very special place in my heart. Again, I want to help heal the hurt I have caused you and will do what I can in my power to do so.
Humbly and with great respect
Aiden G
I sent him a reply on Facebook that night.
Thank you for your letter, and for listening to me and being so patient with me today. I'm not angry anymore...I was, very much so, but it was mostly due to believing the newest in the string of rumors. I could say I should have known better, but I don't know what to believe anymore.
Anyway, I'm not angry, and I don't hate you. I know I said I did, and it's the way I felt at the time. But the bottom has fallen out of my energy to go on being angry - it really takes a lot to maintain that level of hate and madness. I'm not the sort that holds grudges.
I'm left with being hurt, but I'm not looking for an apology; you've already said that, and it's my fault as much as yours that we are where we are now. I don't know what to do now any more than you do, and I don't know how to figure it out. If it's possible, I'd like to salvage a friendship...but at the very least, it's going to take some work, and at the most, I'm afraid it will be quite a while before it's possible. I don't know where in that spectrum we'll actually land.
All I know is right now I want to curl up in a ball and cry and magically get a new life. You have probably noticed about me that it's rare I will ever say anything like that, to anyone. It's a sign that some part of me deep down somewhere still wants to trust you. All I can say now is to repeat myself again: I don't know where to go from here, what to do. I have truly no idea.
Oh, and one question: when you said earlier that you were "spinning," what exactly did you mean? I didn't get the chance to ask.
Two days after this, we met up again and he gave me another letter. That one contained an unexpected, though not entirely surprising revelation. Coming soon to a blog near you!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Heart-Shaped Glasses
Any of you who read my letter to Aiden are aware that I was ripshit angry when I wrote it. I had originally planned to tell him to get out of my life and then, if he wanted a reason, give him the option of reading the letter (but recommend against it). However, when I heard the rumor that lead me to write the P.P.S. about the other girls he was stringing along, I decided he wasn't going to get a choice.
I met him in town on Tuesday afternoon in the pizza parlor. We sat at the counter that faces out the window. I plunked the letter in front of him with a flourish, then mowed through two pieces of pizza with a force while he read it and reread it. I don't usually eat that much or that fast, but it kept me from having to look awkward about not looking at him. I have trouble communicating face to face sometimes, which is why I like to write letters when I have something important to say. The only way I can talk about difficult subjects in person is if I'm not looking at the person I'm having the conversation with.
So I stared out the window and chewed while Aiden read and then started talking. I'll spare the details, but the end result was not at all what I had expected. I'd been expecting some kind of showdown, an ugly and messy end, something absolutely fitting for the little hell we've created. Instead, he explained that Lily's accusation was a partial misinterpretation of something I already knew: he writes erotic stories and shares them with his friends. He even offered me his password to Facebook so that I could poke around in his messages and see that he was telling the truth. He's never met any of the friends he's shared his stories with except for me.
As for everything else I'd written, he apologized profusely; and though that's probably what you were expecting to hear, I can only tell you that no one acts that well. I looked at him just long enough to get a read on his expression, and the amount of pain in his eyes was truly startling. When he was done talking, I sat and stared through the window, my head spinning, trying to think of something to say.
"My life has become a mess of people I miss but can't trust," I finally said, and suddenly I was crying. He pulled me into a hug, and I held tightly to his arm, trying to control myself. Finally I took a deep breath and rested my elbows on the countertop, my head in my hands.
After a few minutes we left and walked up the street to my car, as I had to be at work. I watched him as I drove away, walking around the commons talking to Lily on his cell phone, and sang along to my stereo...
"Don't break, don't break my heart,
And I won't break your heart-shaped glasses..."
When I returned to my car after working dinner shift, there was a letter tucked under the windshield wiper. I forced myself to drive back to Wren's, shower, and get ready for bed before reading it. I'll post it when I have the chance.
"I've got mood poisoning,
It must be something that I hate..."
I met him in town on Tuesday afternoon in the pizza parlor. We sat at the counter that faces out the window. I plunked the letter in front of him with a flourish, then mowed through two pieces of pizza with a force while he read it and reread it. I don't usually eat that much or that fast, but it kept me from having to look awkward about not looking at him. I have trouble communicating face to face sometimes, which is why I like to write letters when I have something important to say. The only way I can talk about difficult subjects in person is if I'm not looking at the person I'm having the conversation with.
So I stared out the window and chewed while Aiden read and then started talking. I'll spare the details, but the end result was not at all what I had expected. I'd been expecting some kind of showdown, an ugly and messy end, something absolutely fitting for the little hell we've created. Instead, he explained that Lily's accusation was a partial misinterpretation of something I already knew: he writes erotic stories and shares them with his friends. He even offered me his password to Facebook so that I could poke around in his messages and see that he was telling the truth. He's never met any of the friends he's shared his stories with except for me.
As for everything else I'd written, he apologized profusely; and though that's probably what you were expecting to hear, I can only tell you that no one acts that well. I looked at him just long enough to get a read on his expression, and the amount of pain in his eyes was truly startling. When he was done talking, I sat and stared through the window, my head spinning, trying to think of something to say.
"My life has become a mess of people I miss but can't trust," I finally said, and suddenly I was crying. He pulled me into a hug, and I held tightly to his arm, trying to control myself. Finally I took a deep breath and rested my elbows on the countertop, my head in my hands.
After a few minutes we left and walked up the street to my car, as I had to be at work. I watched him as I drove away, walking around the commons talking to Lily on his cell phone, and sang along to my stereo...
"Don't break, don't break my heart,
And I won't break your heart-shaped glasses..."
When I returned to my car after working dinner shift, there was a letter tucked under the windshield wiper. I forced myself to drive back to Wren's, shower, and get ready for bed before reading it. I'll post it when I have the chance.
"I've got mood poisoning,
It must be something that I hate..."
TMI Wednesday (oops)
So I fail at being timely. Oh well.
1. Ever Googled a date, a potential date or an ex?
I searched an ex, but only turned up one thing and it was totally boring.
2. Do you gossip?
I try not to. I hate gossip.
3. How many people do you completely trust?
Hard to say right now...I know I do trust my mom, Wren, and Even.
4. Have you ever had sex in car?
Yep, back when I was with my female ex from high school. We did it behind the movie theater!
5. What is your best flirting technique: innuendo, telling a dirty joke, talking about sex life, or physical contact?
Definitely innuendo. When my mind is in the gutter, I can turn anything at all into a sexual reference.
Bonus (as in optional): How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period?
At least 5...there was this camping trip...that tent got a lot of exercise.
1. Ever Googled a date, a potential date or an ex?
I searched an ex, but only turned up one thing and it was totally boring.
2. Do you gossip?
I try not to. I hate gossip.
3. How many people do you completely trust?
Hard to say right now...I know I do trust my mom, Wren, and Even.
4. Have you ever had sex in car?
Yep, back when I was with my female ex from high school. We did it behind the movie theater!
5. What is your best flirting technique: innuendo, telling a dirty joke, talking about sex life, or physical contact?
Definitely innuendo. When my mind is in the gutter, I can turn anything at all into a sexual reference.
Bonus (as in optional): How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period?
At least 5...there was this camping trip...that tent got a lot of exercise.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Letter to Aiden
I finally dragged this out of me yesterday afternoon. I'm still trying to set up a meeting so I can give it to him and watch him read it. The part I am most concerned with at this point is the P.P.S., for obvious reasons. He called me this morning from the office, but I ignored it, because I'm not playing that game anymore.
Dear Aiden:
Writing letters normally comes very easily to me, but this one has already been several days in my head and I’m still struggling with it. Part of me is sorry, for you, that you’re reading this letter, because it’s certainly not going to make things any easier. Part of me is also grateful, though, that I’m giving up the only secret I’ve been keeping. I’m bitter, and angry as a result of that, and I’ve given up trying to decide whether you “deserve” to have me take my temper out on you. I haven’t said anything before this because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, but I’m glad I got away this week – it gave me a chance to figure out what was really going on in my head and how to say it.
Even when some people were doing their best to convince me that you are a liar, a player, and a con artist, I had all the faith I needed in you that I didn’t believe them. Now, however, purely out of the things that have happened between you and me, and not from anything they said, I’m starting to doubt myself.
It was about three weeks ago now that you expressed a worry that I might break your heart “into a million little pieces.” I told you that I’m not a heartbreaker and you had nothing to worry about. I went on to say that if anyone was in a position to be the heartbreaker, it was you, because my relationship would require fewer technicalities to get out of than yours would.
You told me you’ve been miserable as long as you’ve been with Lily. You said you didn’t want to work things out with her, and that what happened between you and me was a catalyst for getting out of your relationship with her, as it was for me getting away from Kevin. She told me, as well, that she didn’t want you back, not that I would ever hold her to her word. You even once asked, “Can I keep you?” to which I replied “yes,” and I meant it.
Then you called me to tell me that your relationship with her is suddenly the best it’s ever been and implied that you couldn’t be happier. Why did you tell me that? Did it not occur to you that it might hurt me in any way to hear that? This is where my doubt starts to creep in. The evidence, and not the words of angry people that aren’t worth listening to, now points in a direction that suggests you may have been lying. Did you honestly think that I could snap back to being just friends with you, like nothing ever happened, in a matter of a few days?
The two sides of me are fighting right now, the side that wants to stand up, be strong, and walk away, and the side that is cowering on the floor with my heart in pieces. My instincts have been alarming lately in the number of things they’ve been right about, and it turns out I was right once again. You are the heartbreaker, not me.
A friend of mine, who I shall refer to simply as Z, warned me when this whole thing began between you and me that “9 times out of 10 the married guy will go nowhere and quickly.” I dismissed it as the paranoid ramblings of someone with past bad experiences, but now I have to go back and tell Z that he was right.
Was it your intention from the start to go running back to the safety of your family as soon as things went sour? Do you really lie that well, or did you chicken out at the last minute? I’ve done what I said I would. I took advantage of the catalyst to get out of my current relationship, and even though he is leaning hard on me to come back, I’m going through with moving. Yes, it’s difficult. But I’m not afraid to face things that are hard and rise above them, just like I’ve always said I would.
You told me last week that, “This could have been so much harder. I could have fallen in love with you.” Well, here’s what it all comes down to: you’re a lucky fucking bastard to be able to say that. It was already too late for me, and that’s actually what I had set out to tell you that morning when I told you we needed to talk. After all the gossip and dramatic crap began, I decided to wait on the words, but my feelings didn’t change. I wish to hell that somehow they had, but no one’s heart listens to their head.
I can’t just be friends with you. I said I could because I hoped it was true, but I was wrong. If you’re really going to stay with Lily, I have to tell you to get the hell out of my life and let me put back together what little I have left and start over with the rest. And though my head knows I shouldn’t say this, my broken heart demands that I do: if not, I’m here.
I love you. And for that, I hate you with everything I have.
~Blue
P.S. Oh, and this whole stupid thing with the phone calls? Fucking tell Lily that you called me first, because if she ever asks me, I will. Don’t make me look like the agressor when I haven’t started one single conversation that you and I have had, via any medium, in the last week. When we got called on the lying, I took the opportunity to come clean. I have not been hiding the fact that we are still friends, and I refuse to. I’m done with lying, dishonesty, and telling different stories to different people. I’m already on the verge of losing a whole lot of respect for you, what I haven’t lost already, and that is just unnecessarily low. If you want to talk to me, just call me, and don’t ask me to call you to make it look good. I won’t.
P.P.S. This is getting obnoxious, but I heard something else about you. “Lily forced him to log into Facebook and she found several other women he was exchanging erotic messages with, 4 or 5, all local girls. There were talks of meeting up and dates set on a few that were toward the end of that week.”
You told me there was only one other, Elaine, and you’d never met up with her, and that was a while ago. Who are these other girls? Why didn’t you tell me about them? This is leading me to mistrust every single word you’ve said to me, and I’m considering deleting any parts of the above letter that make it look like you may have played me successfully…but in the interests of honesty and completeness, I won’t. I’ve already layed everything I have on the line here, and I will do anything it takes to get to the truth. What I want is answers to my questions. Don’t try to make yourself look good, I don’t care anymore – though I’m not erasing it, I am rescinding the bit about still being here for you, so making yourself look good will get you absolutely nothing.
I only want to know what you lied about and why. This is your opportunity to come clean. I hope you will.
Dear Aiden:
Writing letters normally comes very easily to me, but this one has already been several days in my head and I’m still struggling with it. Part of me is sorry, for you, that you’re reading this letter, because it’s certainly not going to make things any easier. Part of me is also grateful, though, that I’m giving up the only secret I’ve been keeping. I’m bitter, and angry as a result of that, and I’ve given up trying to decide whether you “deserve” to have me take my temper out on you. I haven’t said anything before this because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, but I’m glad I got away this week – it gave me a chance to figure out what was really going on in my head and how to say it.
Even when some people were doing their best to convince me that you are a liar, a player, and a con artist, I had all the faith I needed in you that I didn’t believe them. Now, however, purely out of the things that have happened between you and me, and not from anything they said, I’m starting to doubt myself.
It was about three weeks ago now that you expressed a worry that I might break your heart “into a million little pieces.” I told you that I’m not a heartbreaker and you had nothing to worry about. I went on to say that if anyone was in a position to be the heartbreaker, it was you, because my relationship would require fewer technicalities to get out of than yours would.
You told me you’ve been miserable as long as you’ve been with Lily. You said you didn’t want to work things out with her, and that what happened between you and me was a catalyst for getting out of your relationship with her, as it was for me getting away from Kevin. She told me, as well, that she didn’t want you back, not that I would ever hold her to her word. You even once asked, “Can I keep you?” to which I replied “yes,” and I meant it.
Then you called me to tell me that your relationship with her is suddenly the best it’s ever been and implied that you couldn’t be happier. Why did you tell me that? Did it not occur to you that it might hurt me in any way to hear that? This is where my doubt starts to creep in. The evidence, and not the words of angry people that aren’t worth listening to, now points in a direction that suggests you may have been lying. Did you honestly think that I could snap back to being just friends with you, like nothing ever happened, in a matter of a few days?
The two sides of me are fighting right now, the side that wants to stand up, be strong, and walk away, and the side that is cowering on the floor with my heart in pieces. My instincts have been alarming lately in the number of things they’ve been right about, and it turns out I was right once again. You are the heartbreaker, not me.
A friend of mine, who I shall refer to simply as Z, warned me when this whole thing began between you and me that “9 times out of 10 the married guy will go nowhere and quickly.” I dismissed it as the paranoid ramblings of someone with past bad experiences, but now I have to go back and tell Z that he was right.
Was it your intention from the start to go running back to the safety of your family as soon as things went sour? Do you really lie that well, or did you chicken out at the last minute? I’ve done what I said I would. I took advantage of the catalyst to get out of my current relationship, and even though he is leaning hard on me to come back, I’m going through with moving. Yes, it’s difficult. But I’m not afraid to face things that are hard and rise above them, just like I’ve always said I would.
You told me last week that, “This could have been so much harder. I could have fallen in love with you.” Well, here’s what it all comes down to: you’re a lucky fucking bastard to be able to say that. It was already too late for me, and that’s actually what I had set out to tell you that morning when I told you we needed to talk. After all the gossip and dramatic crap began, I decided to wait on the words, but my feelings didn’t change. I wish to hell that somehow they had, but no one’s heart listens to their head.
I can’t just be friends with you. I said I could because I hoped it was true, but I was wrong. If you’re really going to stay with Lily, I have to tell you to get the hell out of my life and let me put back together what little I have left and start over with the rest. And though my head knows I shouldn’t say this, my broken heart demands that I do: if not, I’m here.
I love you. And for that, I hate you with everything I have.
~Blue
P.S. Oh, and this whole stupid thing with the phone calls? Fucking tell Lily that you called me first, because if she ever asks me, I will. Don’t make me look like the agressor when I haven’t started one single conversation that you and I have had, via any medium, in the last week. When we got called on the lying, I took the opportunity to come clean. I have not been hiding the fact that we are still friends, and I refuse to. I’m done with lying, dishonesty, and telling different stories to different people. I’m already on the verge of losing a whole lot of respect for you, what I haven’t lost already, and that is just unnecessarily low. If you want to talk to me, just call me, and don’t ask me to call you to make it look good. I won’t.
P.P.S. This is getting obnoxious, but I heard something else about you. “Lily forced him to log into Facebook and she found several other women he was exchanging erotic messages with, 4 or 5, all local girls. There were talks of meeting up and dates set on a few that were toward the end of that week.”
You told me there was only one other, Elaine, and you’d never met up with her, and that was a while ago. Who are these other girls? Why didn’t you tell me about them? This is leading me to mistrust every single word you’ve said to me, and I’m considering deleting any parts of the above letter that make it look like you may have played me successfully…but in the interests of honesty and completeness, I won’t. I’ve already layed everything I have on the line here, and I will do anything it takes to get to the truth. What I want is answers to my questions. Don’t try to make yourself look good, I don’t care anymore – though I’m not erasing it, I am rescinding the bit about still being here for you, so making yourself look good will get you absolutely nothing.
I only want to know what you lied about and why. This is your opportunity to come clean. I hope you will.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Be Free - Papa Roach
My anthem for the last three weeks...
Woke up and I feel like shit
I don't remember last night, I'm getting sick of this
I hit the bottle when I got off stage
And got piss drunk stupid and I went in a rage
I think I mighta got in a fight
Because my knuckles are bloody and I don't feel alright
I hit the bottom and I don't even care
You say I'm going to hell but I am already there
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
I wanna be free from this ball and chain and
Be free from this life of pain and
Be free from this ball and chain
I wanna be free from you
Now I'm full of guilt and shame
I can't point a finger cause there's no one to blame
So I say you'll never do it again
But when the sun goes down, you are my only friend
I think that I am starting to see
I have become everything I never wanted to be
I'm really getting sick of myself
'Cause when I look into the mirror, I see somebody else
Woke up and I feel like shit
I don't remember last night, I'm getting sick of this
I hit the bottle when I got off stage
And got piss drunk stupid and I went in a rage
I think I mighta got in a fight
Because my knuckles are bloody and I don't feel alright
I hit the bottom and I don't even care
You say I'm going to hell but I am already there
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
I wanna be free from this ball and chain and
Be free from this life of pain and
Be free from this ball and chain
I wanna be free from you
Now I'm full of guilt and shame
I can't point a finger cause there's no one to blame
So I say you'll never do it again
But when the sun goes down, you are my only friend
I think that I am starting to see
I have become everything I never wanted to be
I'm really getting sick of myself
'Cause when I look into the mirror, I see somebody else
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