Big Yawn

Skylar is bored...

That's not a good thing. They say that "idle hands are the devil's playground," and if that's true, then I'm a rickety tire swing over a river with dead fish in it. I don't have to be at a job, and I only have to be in school a few hours a week. I've spent a whole lot of time recently making jewelry, but I can't do that all day, as it makes my back and neck stiff.

Kevin and I went for a bike ride last night, five miles out and five miles back on a paved-over railroad trail. The weather was perfect, and the ride was nice. It would've been more of a workout if I hadn't had to slow down so he could keep up with me, so I think I'm going to ride by myself on the days that he doesn't want to go so I can actually get some exercise.

I really miss Aiden, but there's nothing I can do about it. He's dropped out of my life completely, to the extent of removing me from his Facebook and MySpace. I never see his car, only sometimes because I'm not looking for it. It's like he never existed, except for that empty spot where I lost one of my best friends.

So aside from being depressed, I have to repeat myself...Skylar is bored. At least the weather's nice.

Don't Be That Guy

Thanks, everyone, for all your supportive comments on my last post about my family. They are very much appreciated.

ZomBee, I think everyone feels in some way selfish when they lose someone close. It's part of what makes the grieving process so awkward, in a way; it makes talking about the death with your remaining friends and relatives that much more difficult. You're not sure if you should share your own stories...you don't want to offend anybody, since they're already on edge anyway...but you don't want to act like you're ignoring the whole thing, either. I feel like I'm almost getting used to this process.

I'm back from the little road-trip with my mother now, and somehow still sane. She hates my driving and I hate hers, so the two of us stuck in the car together is not always pleasant. I made a deliberate effort to drive more conservatively than I usually do so she would have nothing to complain about, and she still kept telling me to back off, slow down, stop tailgating, be more patient...

Might I point out that it was she who taught me to drive like I do. Then when I got my license, she had a sudden born-again-driver epiphany and became a perfect angel. Former smokers are the worst about telling you to quit, right?


I've been struggling to revive my computer for a week and a half now, as it has died three times in ten days, twice with a virus and once due to Kevin's cats knocking a vase of water into it. I finally convinced my mother to give me dad's old laptop and just put the hard drive from mine into it, so here I am again.

Time for the soap opera update. The drama of this current week happened on Monday. I called Kevin at work to ask for his computer password, because I needed access to the internet to help in fixing my own machine. He hesitated a surprisingly long time in giving it to me, so that by the time he did I was wondering just what exactly he was hiding. While I have no real reason to be suspicious of him, mistrust of one's self often leads to mistrust of others, especially those closest to us. So when I logged in, I opened up his documents and starting poking around.

There wasn't much, since he keeps almost everything on the house server, which made it all the easier to spot a folder labeled Wicca. It was the only thing even vaguely interesting, so I opened it up and took a look around. There was an empty folder and four files. All of those files were love spells.

To break for just a second for necessary background, I first heard of Wicca when I was thirteen, and for the last eight years I've been struggling in the void between a certain pull that it has on me and my own fear. I wasn't too afraid of it until I got close to one of my exes, who at the time I wasn't even dating yet. Through a convoluted mess of stories, lies, and pure wishful blindness on both of our parts, she managed to completely disenchant me with anything and everything occult, to the point where I am now terrified of all the above. And it's still part of me and always has been (see my post where I encountered a spirit one night after an exam about a month ago). I am terrified of myself.

When I met Kevin and learned that he was Wiccan, I was cautious but also excited, thinking maybe this was my opportunity to ask questions of someone more experienced and be able to sort out my ex's stupidity from reality and get rid of my fear. That went great for a little while, but I couldn't seem to get past my past, as it were, and I eventually gave up again. I had explained everything to him, but I really think there is no way for anyone but me to fully understand just exactly how much some of these things scare me.

Perhaps you can imagine the reaction when I found those spells in his computer, dated during the month we were broken up. I threw all my important things in the car (minus my computer, since it wasn't working anyway), put on my shoes and my glasses, shoved my car keys in my pocket, and paced the living room until he got home. I don't remember if I ever had the intention to attempt a civil conversation, but it didn't happen. As he walked in the door, I was pacing out of the kitchen, and I stopped and glared.

"Hi," he greeted me.

"Hi," I said back, probably failing at even the fake smile. He hadn't even put his things down, but I couldn't hold myself back. "So whatever happened," I asked, my voice rising with every word, "To not messing with someone's FREE FUCKING WILL!" I pointed accusingly at the screen of his computer, where I'd left the folder and one of the spells open. "LOVE SPELLS!" My voice cracked, and I knew I sounded hysterical. Well, I was.

Kevin dropped his things and bent over to inspect the computer, looking utterly confused. I can't even remember what he said; I think I probably screamed over him anyway.

"I never cast," I know he said at some point, but I barely cared.

"It doesn't matter, you have them, that's what matters!" I said.

"But things were going fine with just us talking, I didn't need them," he answered.

"Oh, so you would've used them if I hadn't come back, then!" I accused.

"No!"

"Yes, or you wouldn't have them!"

He tried to put his hands on my arms, and I backed away. "Don't touch me!" I demanded. He lifted his hands, but wouldn't get out of my way as I tried to reach the front door. "Let me go, damn it!"

"Please talk to me," he said, but he wasn't begging. It was more of an order. Again, I didn't care.

"Let me go!" It was clear he had no intention of that, so I went to the sliding glass door in the kitchen and lifted out the security bar, holding it like a weapon while I unlocked the slider. By the time I was reaching for the lock on the screen, he was in my way again.

"Don't fucking touch me!" I repeated, but he wouldn't move. I waved the bar around, but even I knew I wouldn't use it.

Kevin stood against the door. "Hit me," he said.

"What?"

"Hit me," he ordered me.

"No! Just let me go!" I don't remember dropping the bar, but I must have done at some point before I started reaching for the latch on the screen door again. He held out his arm, but I reached around him, struggling with the sticky latch. The door finally opened, but he was in the space I needed to get out. I pushed at him uselessly; he's a lot bigger than I am.

"Fuck off!" I yelled. I was a caged animal, crazed with panic, unaware of anything but the obstacle in my way. I don't know why, but he finally backed off. I shot out the door and down the porch stairs, embedding a splinter in my hand as I went. I charged up the hill, jumped in the car, and reversed out of the driveway as fast as I could as Kevin came running out the front door. The tires screeched as I took off up the hill. I was nearly hyperventilating.

Reaching the bottom of the hill, I considered turning left in case he was following me, then decided he wasn't dumb enough to do that and turned right, following my normal route. I slowed down when I came up behind another car. Glancing in my rearview, I saw the pickup truck closing in behind me.

"Fuck," I muttered, in disbelief that he had caught up so fast. Without taking the time to think about the stupidity of such a move, I rammed on the gas and passed the car in front of me, over the double-yellow and around a curve, in a place where getting hit would land me and my car in the river. Fortunately no one was coming. Kevin passed right behind me and caught me up at the stop sign.

Traffic was heavy, and I couldn't lose him on the two-lane road, so I hit the interstate, where my 6-cylinder car would have the advantage over his pickup truck. It took me a few minutes to lose him, and he caught up again when I hit a bottle-neck and was forced to slow down. As soon as I got free, I jammed it up to 125, knowing his truck wouldn't go over 110. When as he was out of sight, I tore off an exit ramp and headed out into the back roads.

I figured he would go straight to Wren's place and wait for me, so I made sure it took me about six hours to get there. When I did, he wasn't there and neither was she, and I spent the night by myself in a peaceful bubble.

~

I started writing this post last week and then saved it, and I no longer have the impetus to finish it in the same amount of detail I used to start it. So long story short, I went to the house after class the next day, because I needed my computer, to find that Kevin had changed the locks on me. Knowing his paranoid security fetish the way I do, I knew there was no way for me to get into the house, so after calling Wren and bitching vociferously, I drove to Kevin's office with the intent of having his head off.

So what happened? You probably already know. We made up. Things went back to normal (except there's no tread left on my tires, and my brakes are glazed).

We've become that psychotic couple whose friends just laugh when they fight because they seem to do it for fun. Wren commented to me, "I don't understand you guys!" and my reply was, "Neither do I anymore."

I always wondered what the hell was wrong with people like that - like us - to make them stay with each other, when breaking up seems to be the obvious necessity. Now I have no idea what to say in response to myself, as I am now "that guy" and I can't seem to walk away.

Family Bitching

I am sick to death, so to speak, of funerals. More people have died in the last six months than I care to think about. When I heard last week that my grandmother had died (somewhat unexpectedly), I was just numb. I sat through her service today and was the only one in the room that didn't cry.

When I told Aiden about it on Monday, he said, "What is this, I fuck up people's lives and then kill their grandparents?" It sounds harsh, but I laughed. He said that because Lily's grandfather died the same week that everything blew up between us two couples.

I'm heading back to the house tomorrow after brunch at my aunt and uncle's place. As always with a large family, there's been some extent of drama, though this weekend has been much tamer than many. It started with my mother telling me that Kevin was not to come with us, even though I said I'd like him to be there. Not wanting to fight with her, I said that was fine...but I wished today that he was there to hold my hand and hear all the stories everyone told about Gramma. He met her at Christmas and liked her, and I felt bad telling him he couldn't come pay his respects. At least he knows those were my mom's wishes and not mine. Now, of course, he's convinced she hates him.

My uncle, dad's youngest brother, took me aside today to have a rambling discussion about how he promised my dad he'd take care of me, and so he feels responsible for me, but he's not a parent and doesn't know a lot of things about kids, and finally that I'm "smarter than he feared." This sort of awkwardness is typical of this particular uncle, though there was a difference this time: he treated me like an adult. Every time before this he's tried to keep things from me because I was "too young," and though I protested vigorously, I could never change his mind. I guess turning twenty-one did for him what my words never could.

Apparently the days when I was a stripper are the buzz of the family. That doesn't bother me; I don't care who knows about that. I refuse to be ashamed of it. The one thing that does bother me is that my mother told me not to tell anyone, that we were going to keep that information to ourselves. I told her it was my business who knew that sort of thing, and she argued with me. Now apparently it's everywhere, and I know damn well it wasn't me that passed it on. Seriously, I don't care who she tells. I just wish she'd be honest about what she's going to spread around. Come on, even Aiden warned me he had HPV before we got naked.

Lost and Sinking

I took the bus into town today between classes and walked until I found Aiden's car. I wanted to be sure he was at the office before I called him. Finding the car in its usual place, I called his work number, and since he doesn't have caller ID, he answered.

"I know I'm not supposed to contact you," I said. "But I just wanted to let you know you can have your job back. I got fired."

"Why?"

"The manager hated me, you know that."

"Oh. Uh, I think my wife sent you a complicated message..."

I sighed. "Haven't seen it yet. Thanks for the warning."

"She found the letter you wrote me."

"What? Why didn't you throw that out?" I tried to be angry and failed.

"I thought I had."

After we hung up, I put my headphones back on and walked back up the street. I was twenty feet from his office door when he came out and started walking the other way.

"Oy!" I yelled. I don't know why I use that as a greeting; I always have. He didn't break stride. "Oy!" I yelled again, louder this time, and the man next to him turned around. Aiden turned around, too, stopped, and looked utterly confused.

I caught up to him, tucking my headphones back in my pocket. "Hi. Sorry. I didn't know you'd be outside or I'd have gone the other way."

"I didn't know I was going outside either," he said.

"Ah." That was as equally meaningless as explanatory.

"Should we go talk?" he asked.

"Sure."

We walked up the alley to the back parking lot and stood against the wall under the half-roof. Pulling a cigarette from his pocket, he leaned against the wall and tipped his head back. His head hit the wall and a startlingly loud crack issued from the connection point. We looked at each other, considering the potential merits of laughing.

"That just sums it all up right there," he announced, and I burst into laughter and couldn't stop. I was nearly in tears when I finally found my breath again. He still hadn't lit the cigarette for his own laughter.

We talked for a few minutes, but nothing new or spectacular came up. I told him I hadn't replied to his letter because I had been considering what to say to the point where I'd been unable to say anything. He talked a little about his shrink and about his wife, and I told him the story of my getting fired this weekend. I said I was back with Kevin but the honeymoon was over and I was on the verge of breaking up with him again. He said he didn't like how he'd left things with the phone call; I understood that there was someone else in the room with him at the time. His wife won't let him even be friends with me now. I get it.

We hugged before he went back to work.

"I miss you," I said. There was so much more behind those words that I couldn't say, wouldn't have the time or the permission to express, and he knew it.

"I miss you too," he said. I stood on the sidewalk, watching him as he walked into his office without looking back. Then I jaywalked against the light, half hoping that a car would come speeding by at exactly the wrong moment.

In the last five months, I've lost five members of my family to death. One friend to a stupid fight. One friend to a breakup. The boyfriend I thought was forever. My home. My job. My best friend and confidante. I'm dropping out of school.

What do you do when you have nothing left to lose?

Anger for the Pain

You say you only hurt me
For the sake of love
And you say you are so sorry now
For all the pain you caused
Well I have only one thing
Left to say to you
You never will make up for all the
Hell you put me through

[chorus]
And I'm seething
The anger for the pain
Screaming
I want out of this game
Seething
Every day the same
Screaming
Screaming

I see you walking down the street
Every day it's all the same
Today I cannot stop myself
From calling out your name
It's been so many months now
I miss how it was before
They took you away and you're not
Fighting anymore

You stop and turn to look at me
Your eyes give you away
I know that despite what you said
You wish that you could stay
But she told you to let me go
You obey her every word
Could never stand up for yourself
Not even when it hurts

I know just how we got here
But I don't know how to leave
All I do is wait for you
Like learning how to grieve
They're telling me to let you go
But they can't feel my heart
I'll always find you, they can't tear us
That far apart

(C) 2009 Skylar Blue

TMI Tuesday!

1. Have you ever had a sexual experience with the opposite sex?
Oh yes. I have also done so with the same sex! I like swinging both ways, there's more options...

2. When you see someone you like, how do you act, how do you get their attention?
I'm just me. I never change. I'm friendly, I ask questions, I listen, I talk. I flirt if flirted with, though I don't tend to start flirting of my own accord.

3. Dominate or dominated, which do you prefer?
To be dominated, 90% of the time. The other 10%, I'm actually a pretty good dom myself.

4. Would you/have you ever had a threesome?
In fact, I have. It's how I got together with Kevin, by dating him and the girl he was dating at the time. It was certainly an interesting experience and I would never take it back, but I'm not really sure I'd like to repeat it, either.

5. When was the last time you had sex?
That would be two nights ago. I was so drunk and so miserable. The last time I had good sex was around the middle of last week, maybe Wednesday night.

6. Sex on the first date...good or bad?
Totally depends on the people involved and what you define as "first date." I've never gone on a date without having already been friends with someone first and already turned the corner to being in a romantic-type relationship, so first date for me is nowhere near the first time I've actually met someone. In that case, sex after the first date is fine.

7. Do you have any random or out of the ordinary turn ons?
Define ordinary! I like to be bitten and scratched, tied up and dominated...but in the bdsm world, those are normal. I guess the most unusual one I can think of is that I really like the smell of the bridge of my partner's nose; I think it's a pheromone center or something.

8. What attributes attract you to a potential partner?
Friendly, outgoing, likes to laugh and adventure, is open-minded.

Brought to you by TMI Tuesday.

Silence Breaking Me

He found my car eventually, as I knew he would.

Dear Skylar,
I hate this. You deserve so much better than I am capable of providing right now. My call last night was not one I wanted to make. My heart is being torn apart. You are one of the dearest people that has ever touched my life. I met you at a time my heart was starving. You saw me for who I was and nothing more. You put a smile on my face every day. The more I got to know you the more impressed I was with you as a person. You are so amazingly warm and caring. You have touched me in ways I can not begin to put into words or even touch on fully understanding. I care for you deeply and profoundly. My friendship with you is one of the most treasured parts my life. And yet, I am being told I must tear myself away from you in an attempt to salvage my relationship with Lily. I did not know how to do that in a phone call. You deserve better. I care about you far too much to expect you to put up with the disaster I am currently surrounded in . I am so sorry for dragging you into this.

As you know I began meeting with a therapist on Friday. One of the questions she asked me was if I was actually in love with Lily when we got married. I though I was in love with her, but that question has left me full of questions and doubt. Carolyn (my therapist) also noted that Lily and I had not known each other very long (only a few short months) when she became pregnant. We had just begun o know who and what the other was and was not, what our respective strengths and weaknesses were. When Lily became pregnant she asked me if she should get an abortion. I told her no. She said she did not want to "trap" me. She said she did not want to be a single mother and needed to know I would be there. I have been there. I have done everything I could to be there. But my soul is worn thin. I thought we would be able to make things work and live a fairy tail. Things got rough and we worked through. I worked through. She needed more and more from me and I contiued to try and give and bend to her needs. But I did so at the cost of my own needs. She tells me I treat her like she is stupid because I have terrible hait of over explaining things. So I'm overly verbose and wordy... That doesn't mean I think people are stupid. She tells me I make her feel like she is crazy because sometimes I don't know how to admit the truths that are before me. One of the clearest instances of this was before Aiden was diagnosed as Autistic. She knew something was wrong with him, and I listened to his Doctor and her own mother (A pediatric RN) that he would catch up and that he was just going through a phase. Yes she was right and I was wrong. I had been hoping that she was wrong. I wanted her to be wrong on this. No parent ever WANTS to admit there is something wrong with their perfect child. Deep in my heart I knew something was amiss with Aiden, but I could not bring myself to admit it. I have spent so long trying to make make things work with Lily. I continue to try because I feel I owe it to Aiden. You and I spoke about the fact that it is a bad idea to try and give someone another chance because you feel you owe it to them. I would agree if I felt I owed the chance to Lily, but I feel I must try with every part of my being to make things work for my child. I want you in my life. I told Lily I would make a break in my contact with you while she and I attempt to work things out. I must honor my word on that, despite this I can not stop myself from writing this letter, because I also owed you a full and complete explanation of what is going on and not just the confusing phone call I made to you last night with Lily hanging on my every word. Even as I made that call last night she felt I was not firm enough with reinforcing the need for space and time. I'm so jumbled and confused right now. I have been speaking with lots of my lost friends recently as I go through the most emotionally tumultuous time I have ever faced in my life. One of the themes that seems to keep coming out of those conversations is " There seems to be a lot of Lily not being very nice to Aiden". This is coming from friends who have know Lily and I for years, and often from people that have not seen us for some time. When I brought this up to Lily her response was to justify occasions... " Oh when we saw them last they didn't see the argument we had in the car on the way there" or "Yeah, while you are not very nice to me". I have had very few people in my life tell me that I was a mean person. I tend to pride myself on being a kind person. I will admit that I am often forgetful of things like birthday cards and some of the trivial niceties of our society, but I try to treat everyone with respect and decency whether I feel they deserve it or not.
Currently I feel like a terrible person. I love my son more than ANYTHING in the world. I know I must try to do everything I can for him. I also know though that for him to thrive I must find my own happiness. My issue is I do not know if I will be able to find MY happiness in my relationship with Lily. I know I am repeating myself over and over.
I know if I fail in my marriage that I am going to need time to heal my heart before I would dare endeavor another romantic relationship. I care too much about you to want to see you hurt by my damaged heart. I know you and I have an amazing connection and you are so incredibly dear to me. I can not stand to know I continue to hurt you. I am rambling on and on. My writings to you have become an outlet for what is actually going on in my head and my heart. I pour my feelings out to you. I am not treating you fairly. It is not your responsibility to absorb this. I am SO confused. Part of me wants to simply run away, but I know I can not do that. I have responsibilities I must take care of. I put the needs of other ahead of my own. I am so lost. I know that if I fail to find my own happiness I will never be able to be the father my son deserves.

On Saturday afternoon she found her way into my facebook account. Apparently I had forgotten to log out of it on Friday. She had found the messages exchanged between us and sent you a few herself. When I got home she smacked me. I actually felt I deserved it, as it is not fair of me to lie to her. I do not like lying to my wife. Lily knows exactly how to push my buttons. Lily knows the Aiden is the center of my universe. As a result she knows that every time she frames the debate as me giving up on the and giving up on him it tears my heart to pieces. I will NEVER give up on my son. But I am left to question just what I am supposed to do. I can not stand the tempest that currently fills my heart. Lily keeps asking if I'm waiting for some concrete thing to happen before I leave. Am I waiting to get the car from her brother? Am I waiting for this? Am I waiting for that? I am not waiting for anything. What I am trying to do is figure out what the right thing to do is. I am rying to figure ou what I want to do. I don't even know if I actually want to try and make things work with Lily. She thinks my feelings of uncertainty and because you are in my life and because I plan to flee from her and into your arms. You know I would not do that. I care too much about out friendship to want to risk damaging it by leaping into anything. I want to be friends with you foreve and no matter what. Meeting you has made me think and think and think. You helped me to rediscover my own happiness. Unfortunately it came at a high price for her. I want to scream. I want to curl up in a ball. I want to not hurt. Writing this I sound so Goth. At least that makes me laugh.
I am not a melancholy perso generally, as I am sure you are well aware. I generally think of myself as a good person though Lily has done an amazing job of making me question that at this point. She thinks she is still deeply in love with me. For all I know that may be true. The real question for me is "am I in love with her?" I know I love her and to an extent always will as she is and will always be the mother of my child. I am trying to determine if maintaining a romantic relationship with Lily is possible. I am so overwhelmed with feelings I do not know how to handle. Right now I want nothing more than to curl up in your arms and have my dear friend Skylar tell me I will get through this and that I will be OK. At this point in the short time I have known you, I have allowe myself to express my emotions freely and openly. As I type here at work I have to stop periodically to keep myself from crying. I don't cry often. Why am I more afraid of loosing you as a friend than I am of loosing Lily as my wife? How can it be that someone I have just met less than two months ago has had such an impact on me? Why is it that I can not bring myself to tear myself away from you? No doubt reading my letter is going to create more questions for than answers. For that I am sorry. You deserve so much better than I am able to provide you right now either as a friend or more than that. I love the tender moments that we share. The touch of you fingers on my skin. Looking into your eyes and feeling that you accept me as I am and not as you believe I should be. Being with you makes me feel amazing. The thought of tearing you out of my life hurts more than I describe. It is not fair of me to string you through this as I attempt to untangle the mess that I am in.

If I could have simply lusted after you... I could walk away. If I could believe our connection was only due to circumstances... I could walk away. If I could only walk away... Skylar, you have burned a place deep in my heart. I do not know how to even begin to walk away from you but I know it is not fair to continue to hurt and confuse you.

The more I think about what is going on the more conflicted I become about what I should do. Three weeks ago I tried to walk away from Lily. When I told her what had happened between you and I, I expected her to tell me to go and never come back. She then told me a was a coward to try and walk away. She railed at me for trying to "Give up on 'US' ". I am still questioning if trying is what I should do or if yet again I am trying to make everyone happy without concern for my needs.

I wish I knew what to do. I hope I can keep you in my life, but for the moment I am going to need to take some space even as it tears me apart. I need to take some time to try and figure out what my next step in my life is. Trying to make sense of what has happened over the better part of a decade is so difficult and painful. I wish I could have you hold my hand as I fight through this, but I must do it alone. I must figure out what the right thing to do is and face my choices. If ou choose to tell me to walk away from you for good I will. I owe you what ever I can do. I hope when I get through this seemingly impossible piece of my life you will again be able to welcome my friendship in your heart. I will always be ready to welcome you back into my life. I will alway have a very special place in my heart for you. On my side the door will always be open, but I will understand if you need to lock the door on your side.
It is with a heavy and broken heart that I type any of this letter. I worry with each word that I type I may be pushing away one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me. I worry that I will explode as I think again my of the feelings and emotions I have been so free to share with you are again going to be bottled up at a time when the free flow of my emotions and thoughts is so critical to my growth as a person and to my solving of a difficult solution. I hate how I feel right now.

Pardon my endless prattling. I will see Carolyn again on Monday of next week and should begin couples counseling with Lily shortly. You will be in my thoughts and I hope for the very best for you. I hope I will be able to reconnect with you soon.

Forever your friend and most humbly,
Aiden

P.s. Please send me confirmation you have received this letter. Send it to me via my email address. I need to know you recieved it. I hope I can ave you back in my life when I am in a better place to be your friend. I am so sorry for all the pain I can caused you.

I still haven't replied. I don't know what to say.