This past weekend was Memorial Day. Shelby had Friday and Monday off. I tried to escape by visiting a friend at her lake house, but got caught in such an awful rainstorm on the way there that I had to turn around. If my back tire hadn't been bald I probably would have pushed through, but it didn't seem prudent to try, so I went back. The weekend was like all our days now...overtly friendly and subtlely awkward.
Aiden seems to think now that just because everyone is acting friendly means that everything is fine. We talked about that briefly and I explained that just because I'm smiling doesn't mean everything is roses. I'm perfectly capable of being nice and sociable even when I don't feel that way. There's nothing to be gained from acting like a miserable, whiny, angry jackass all the time. Aiden seemed puzzled, saying that he's so inclined to forgive bad behavior the second it stops that he basically forgets it ever happened, and also forgets that not everyone else does that. He actually seemed fairly blindsided by the fact that I still have a problem with this situation and am still actively pursuing a way out of it. I was mystified that he was confused.
This is how communication problems happen.
I tried to explain what's going on in my head, because it's clear that Aiden really has no idea. Between my desire to please others, my ability to smile through anything, and his wilful determination to see nothing but the best in everything, I'm sure there's a bigger chasm between my experiences and his perception of them than either of us realizes.
There's an accepted tenet of relationships that every five positive actions a person takes can be cancelled out by just one negative action. Athol Kay phrases it this way: five date nights equal one fight night. Aiden told me he's hoping that I'll eventually have enough positive interactions with Shelby to make up for all the negative ones. I frowned at him until he added, "Or maybe I'm just hoping for the impossible."
The part he misses is that none of my interactions with Shelby feel positive to me. It doesn't matter what she's doing, whether she's screaming obscenities or making dinner, picking a fight or cleaning the house. Yes, we can carry on a civil and even somewhat interesting conversation, and we can laugh at jokes. But her presence makes me itch. When she touches me I want to run screaming. Fortunately she touches me a lot less now that I've officially ended our relationship; otherwise I'd have a much harder time controlling myself.
She brought up the subject of vacation the other night at bedtime, asking if we were still going to plan a trip. Neither Aiden nor I answered. The silence went on until she asked, "Were you guys plotting to go away without me?"
"No," I said truthfully. "There was no plot."
"Maybe that was a bad question," she said.
"I think Skylar wants to go motorcycle camping soon," Aiden said, and I agreed. No more was said on the subject until the next day, when Aiden asked what was bothering me.
"I've been full of anxiety since the subject of traveling came up," I said. We got to talking about our different perceptions of what was happening. He said he hears that I'm feeling anxious and assumes that it's because I'm waiting for Shelby to drop her angelic act and burst out in anger again; then he said that he's starting to realize that's not what I'm anxious about. He didn't ask what the real root of my anxiety was and I didn't volunteer.
I don't mean to be withholding, but it seems like emptying the contents of my heart would just put more pressure on him. He's already stuck in the middle of a super awkward situation and feeling a lot of pain, and dumping on him just doesn't seem right.
He says he wants me to flourish and to not be angry. I want those things too, and I will get them one way or another. Keeping me in this situation is not the way to get me there.
I am angry; I'm angry all the time, in a way I've seldom experienced. I'm angry at myself for getting into this situation. I'm angry at Shelby for all the awful shit she's done. I'm even a little angry with Aiden, for just constantly pretending it's all okay and trying to zip us into a big pouch of HAPPY. But really, what I feel negatively toward him is a drop in the bucket of everything else. It's a passing annoyance, the downside of a trait that I really love and wouldn't trade for anything.
I want to go traveling, and I want to go with Aiden. There are two weeks coming up this summer during which the small Aiden will be at camp, and my fantasy is that the two of us take a pair of motorcycles and some camping gear and just leave. Destination optional. Sense of adventure mandatory. Lots of sex in various places highly desired.
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