Visions

In the car on the way to the game this weekend, I explained again to Aiden how even when things are pretty peaceful in the house, it isn't a place that I really desire to be.

"I'm sorry I'm so oblivious," he said quietly.

I shrugged. "I think I'm pretty good at putting on a smile, too," I said. "Don't blame yourself too much."

He asked what made me so unhappy. "I feel like I've spent this entire relationship being sat on," I said, struggling for the right words. "I'm a different person when Shelby isn't around. There are things I won't do around her, because I just...can't."

"Why can't you?" he asked. I couldn't explain to my own satisfaction. Some of it has been deliberate attempts by her to sit on me, when she was jealous of the closeness I have with Aiden. Some of it is me being shy and feeling like I'm in the wrong situation, like the reaction someone might have if asked to show their labia tattoo to their mother.

During our garage time on Tuesday, he asked what my image of life with him was like, how it was different. I muttered something about fun and adventures, and he asked like what. I was reluctant to answer, partly over concerns that it might become a discussion of how we could make those things happen in our current situation, and partly because I wasn't sure what specifically to say.

I think the right thing to say is this...Aiden, look back over some of the fiction that both you and I have written for each other. Now think about the small handful of nights we've had to ourselves (the ones that didn't start at eleven o'clock when I was already tired). We have only dipped our toes in the ocean of the things I want to do with you. Now, fill in the blanks.