A Blurry Future

Aiden asked me yesterday where I see myself in five years. I couldn't figure out how to answer because I have no idea. I'm more of a pantser than a planner when it comes down to it. I'm capable of planning but I only do it when and to the extent that I absolutely have to.

That question also enters the foggy territory I've been trying to avoid of making promises about the future. I don't want to try to sell myself as the better option; I am who I am, and he should pretty much know by now who that is, and what kind of accessories come with the package. I'm already fighting the feeling that I'm dragging him into something, and I don't want it on my conscience later that I tried to convince him to come with me. It's his decision, not mine, and honestly I'm considering just walking so that I don't have to deal with the guilt in the future. I'm starting to fear that the structural damage caused by taking him with me might be worse than the pain of leaving him behind. Neither will be any fun. I don't know if there are any good options left. And of course there's the indignant voice in my head saying, "You don't even have a two-week plan...how can you expect me to have a five-year one?"

On the other hand (to return from a tangent; there are a lot of things on the first hand, apparently), I can't blame him for wanting to know what the bike looks like before driving it home. I'll try to answer the question, but I admit that I'm finding more reasons that I can't answer it than potential answers.

Let's say for the sake of argument that we move to the place we looked at last week, over the bicycle shop. I change my work schedule to Wednesday-Thursday-Friday temporarily to make some more cash, likely spending one of those nights at home and one at work. I keep attending practice Sunday and coaching on Tuesday. I finish my personal trainer certification and get a job at one of the local gyms, not necessarily in that order (there are two immediately in town and plenty more in the surrounding area), then cut my previous work back as I get more work closer to home. Eventually I probably get tired of working for someone else and start my own personal training business; maybe that involves teaching people to skate. I take two to four weeks every summer to bomb around the world on a motorcycle. I write a book. Someday I will make time to put music back into my life, either by composing on my computer or joining a band or both. Ideally I get my financial shit together enough to retire early, or at least take regular work sabbaticals.

That's all me, of course, but I can't really construct an "us" without some input from the other half. To make some assumptions: he gets some work close by or starts some kind of internet business, keeps skating and reffing, goes with me on summer and weekend adventures, and plays epic kinky games with me. We brew mead and cook food and fix bikes. We go on a lot of night walks and do a lot of camping.