Doubts

I'm starting to doubt myself. Putting my life in limbo to wait for Aiden to make a choice, combined with his worries that our relationship won't work out, have illuminated some concerns for me.

He's a terrible decision maker. It doesn't matter where on the scale of seriousness the decision lies, whether it's whom to date or which brand of toothbrush to purchase. Watching him struggle to decide has always driven me a little nuts; it usually ends with me making the decision after he's taken too damn long. And I went and put my own future on his options shelf...what the hell was I thinking?

Anyone on the outside would tell me I'm an idiot for even offering him the chance. He's a jobless dad with a troubled teenager, whose only income is state aid, who demonstrates no drive to accomplish anything outside the house. I brought up that concern to him and he said getting a job wouldn't be a problem...but didn't specify beyond that, choosing instead to avoid discussing the topic any further. People have told me I can do better, and I've studiously ignored them, but maybe I should be listening. The kicker is, he could erase these doubts so easily by just taking some initiative. I'm no leader, but I've learned to take charge when it needs to be done, and honestly it's not that hard. I've told him what needs to be done (many times, in many ways, on many subjects) and he just...doesn't. It's a mystery to me, and a huge frustration.

So I'm keeping him why then - for the sex? He lets any obstacle that comes up get in the way of us getting that time together, then claims that the outside circumstances aren't something he can control. Of course they're not; but he can choose not to let them control him. He just doesn't. He complains that he wants Option C (finding a way out of the false dichotomy) but doesn't actually come up with it. A few weeks ago when I wanted to talk to him alone and Sheila was home, I told him I was at the library. He insisted I come home even though I made it clear that wasn't an option for me. I waited for him to suggest meeting me at the library...but he didn't. I finally had to tell him to come find me. Was that really all that hard? Why is it down to me to come up with every damn solution to everything?

I wonder if, in trying to set myself free, I'm just taking on another burden.