What the hell am I doing, and more importantly, why the fuck am I doing it? I don't just mean this most recent fascination with topping. I mean all of it. I've been unable to articulate what I'm looking for, but unhappy with a lot of what I've found.
Reading about others' reasons for subbing, in particular, makes me realize that I don't seem to have a reason. I don't do it for my dom's pleasure. Apparently I don't do it for mine, either, since it feels like a stretch to say I enjoy it. It's become a battle, with neither of us giving or receiving the responses we want, and it sucks.
Someone posted the Plato quote, "He who is not a good servant will not be a good master." Sooo, I'm just going to suck at everything, then. Cuz I'm a shitty sub.
I posted a while back about having discovered the "real thing," the power play dynamic, and that was great while it lasted. But it's gone now. The only energy I seem to have these days is "Fucking fight me!" For any reason and no reason. I don't want a polite exchange and I don't want a game, I want a goddamn war.
I used to battle because I wanted to lose. It was a way of handing over the power. But I don't lose anymore, because I won't stop when a reasonable person should. I will sacrifice anything, including my health and my sanity, to win. And what the fuck do I win? Frustration that I couldn't lose.
If I could read one thing into all of this, it's that I'm harboring a lot of anger. My frustration became bitterness and then resentment, and now I just want to scream and cry and rant and beat things. I can't submit to Aiden because it makes me feel like less of a person. I know in theory that's not what it's about, and I know that's not what he's trying to get out of me, but I've been blinded and I've forgotten all the rest except this ball of rage I've become.
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