Don't Sit On Me

Things have not been good since I got back. The conveniences of home are nice, but the deeper and more important things have been distinctly skewed. I can live without a shower every day, or three square meals. But when every attempt at sex ends somewhere on the spectrum between awkwardness and disaster, something is deeply wrong.

I recoiled emotionally after Aiden told me what he wanted to change. I'm not sure he realized that had happened. I couldn't really explain it.

So he pushed forward, and I pulled back, and he kept pushing forward, and I shut down. The last few times we've had sex, it's turned into me staring at the ceiling trying to pretend it isn't happening, and ended with me stomping off to take a scorching-hot shower, wishing I could apply the soapy loofah to my brain.

I'm smoldering with anger and bitterness, and he just pushes forward and pushes me around and pushes himself onto and into me like somehow that's going to help. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Perhaps he feels insane. I definitely do.

I also feel violated and ignored.

Whenever things get bad in a sexual relationship, I default to shutting down and letting my partner walk on me, and then I get angry because they're not respecting my space. Then my partner blames me for not telling them there was a problem, and I wonder how the fuck it took them so long to notice that I was Not There and hadn't been for a while.

This is not a new pattern. I don't know why the hell I can't seem to get out of it. It obviously doesn't help anyone, and it does me pretty grievous emotional damage even while I'm pretending not to give a fuck.

Yesterday, I pulled myself away from work that needed to be done and tried to spend some quality time with Aiden. I took him and my coffee to bed, aiming for snuggling and laziness, hoping it would turn into that slow, blissful, irresistible sex that takes up hours of your day and can't be fought off until it has thoroughly had its way with you. But then he ripped off my pants and shoved his cock into me, and I gave up and pretended it wasn't happening until I could escape to the shower.

I told him today that we need to start over. I'm not on board with this d/s relationship he thinks we have. He's been pulling out props and games, clearly thinking that I'll be excited to finally have what I've been asking for all this time, but I'm not there anymore. I don't care about your knives and your rope and your crap. I gave you all the time in the world, and you squandered it. It took me leaving for a month, and Shelby telling you that she thought it was a good idea, to attempt to be what you told me six years ago that you were. A real Dom does not need permission. A real Dom does what he wants and apologizes to no one. You are not better than I, and I will not kneel to you.

I will not call you sir.