Crossed Streams

Ninja tells a story about the time that her boyfriend was deployed, and what happened when he came home. He'd been gone for a long time, and after those many months, they were unsure about the status of their relationship. He took a short vacation to think it over, and when he came home, they had come to their conclusions. She was devoted and wanted to make it work. He wanted out.

That's what floated through my mind while Aiden and I were reconnecting after my trip. I'd finally accepted that the things I really wanted out of our relationship were not going to happen, and was planning my move to Tennessee. He told me that after some thinking about the last couple of years, he realized he'd been a poor steward of our relationship and wants to change that going forward.

I had absolutely nothing to say. I can't describe the feeling that comes from giving my all despite being told it was a pointless effort, being repeatedly disappointed, giving up, moving on - and suddenly being promised what I'd been after in the first place.

It's too late, was all I could think to tell him, but that hardly seemed fair.

It's about god damned time. I bit it back, knowing that when I'm angry, my sarcasm can do more damage than I intend.

"I gave up," I finally told him.

"I hope you know I'll never give up on you," he said.

That was a hell of a guilt trip, but I know he doesn't do those deliberately, so I said nothing. I supposed I deserved it. Giving up on someone certainly isn't kind, but holding out hope forever in the face of contrary evidence is stupid.

I don't know whether I can turn around and go back.