No Worth in Words

My friend Bruce's birthday is today, and we had a party for him last night. Food, games, cake, general hanging out. There were a few people in the group that I hadn't met before. They fit right in. And I came to the sad realization that I do not.

The people that I attract as friends are usually various forms of geeky. I'm a geek myself; computer programmer and communications technician. But those aren't the forms of geek I attract. My non-derby friends are all RPGers, video gamers, LARPers, Trekkies, and Dr. Who nerds. They're super awesome people and I adore them. They have lots of conversations that I don't understand, and I've stopped asking to be read into those conversations because there are too many and it takes too much explaining. At any get-together there will be some stretch of time where I sit in my corner and listen politely until the conversation moves on to something I understand. I'm fine with that.

But last night, the conversation never moved on. They went from geekdom to geekdom to geekdom, never hitting on one that interested me even slightly. I sat in my corner and listened politely for hours. Eventually I left, having decided I would rather be asleep, thinking I would've been better off staying at the pool party that I had left to attend Bruce's birthday (although I wouldn't actually have skipped out on his birthday party).

To catch up on all of their fandoms so I could actually participate in these conversations would take hundreds of hours of watching TV and movies and playing video games, none of which I have the remotest interest in doing. The self-reflection sent me looking for a mirror I can't quite find...what is it that I do? What do I talk about when I talk? I'm constantly busy, but how do I spend my time, if not on the aforementioned things? The answer seems to be derby...is there anything left in my life but derby? Have I become a dumb jock?

Firstly, the "dumb jock" stereotype implies a lie, that being a meathead makes you dumb. To the contrary, working out regularly and taking good care of your body actually improves your brain function. Logically, I know that I cannot have become a dumb jock.

What can I talk about? Derby, in great depth and at great length. Communications technology, with lesser depth and breadth. I've been working in the field for five years now, and I know I've learned a lot, but I still feel dumb in comparison to all the things I don't know. I ride a motorcycle, but I don't geek out about it; I just ride it. I shoot guns, but I don't discuss ammo types or barrel bores. A while back, I spent a lot of time studying relationships, and for a while I could've talked relationship theory pretty intensely...but not anymore (another post, another time to explain that one). I spin circus props but I don't study those either. I don't nerd out about cars, or comics, or movies, or computers.

I'm a doer, not a talker. I would much rather pick something up, take it apart, program it, modify it, make it into something else, throw it, chase it, break it and repair it, or just build something new. I don't want to sit in a chair for hours and discuss it.

Somehow this makes me feel really stupid.