Coming Around

I guess I panicked a little more than was necessary about the whole "death of passion" thing...but that's been my experience in the past. The first few weeks or months of a relationship are great, and then it gets boring. I don't ever want to be in a Hallway Sex relationship, where the partners just say "fuck you" as they pass in the hallway. Perhaps wanting to be conscious has led via over-correction to paranoia.

Aiden pointed out to me today that he's a bit new to this too, saying, "The D/s dynamic I have with you is the deepest and most intense one I have ever sustained. And sometimes I get wrapped up in the fuzzy being in love with you."

My first reaction was to point out that I tend to forget that, because it doesn't exactly add to the effectiveness of his Domination if I'm reminding myself that he's new to it.

But after some further consideration, I realized that reminder may have been exactly what I needed. Not to trigger my sympathy or what have you, but because the realization that he doesn't feel he has all the answers already makes me more willing to help find them.

He told me last week that he was enjoying an image in which I sat in front of him, telling him my sexual fantasies, while he slowly ordered the removal of my clothing one piece at a time. That's one of the most terrifying things he's ever said to me, and even though we were sixty miles from each other at the time and he wasn't asking me to do it then, I had a knee-jerk fear reaction.

Talking face-to-face is hard for me. Talking about my fantasies is also hard. The thought of combining those two things made me want to cry. I had an image of myself sitting down, clamming up, trying unsuccessfully to force words out, and then just freaking out and crying shamefully. That's what I did last time someone put me in that position.

A few days later I wrote the I Want entry, partially because it was on my mind and I felt like writing something hot, and partially to head off Aiden's threat. "There's nothing to say - I've already told you everything."

But my thoughts have changed a little. It feels less like a pressuring threat with today's new considerations and more like he's legitimately looking for ideas. So, I have one more that didn't make it into the poetic written record.

Ask me sometime. In person.

...maybe feed me a glass of mead first.