Rolling

So E is interesting.

Nothing like I thought it would be. Most of what I had heard about it (ignoring Kevin's idiotic opinions) was that it makes physical sensations feel amazing, and makes you feel like you love everybody and are very in touch with people around you. Aiden recommended comfy clothes for the adventure, so I put on some sweats and prepared to love everything.

The first thing I noticed was vertigo; I got light-headed and felt like my brain was being squeezed. Then my heart started to race, my adrenaline spiked, and my hands shook. It became difficult to focus on the jewelry project I was doing, as the beads became blurry and the light reflecting off the silver rings distracted me. I gave up on trying to teach Aiden to do chainmaille, as neither of us could see with enough detail to actually close rings.

The three of us moved on to stringing beads, which proved to be much more entertaining. Shelby started pulling finished pieces and flea market finds out of my supply boxes and decking herself out in them. "Have you seen what ravers end up wearing?" Aiden asked, and "furry boot covers" was all I could think of, but apparently that was agreement.

Shelby gestured at the table, which was covered in boxes and beads and rings and scales and tools and wire and every other shiny thing I could imagine, and said, "Look what the high kids did!" I laughed. I asked her if she was also tachycardic, since we're both like that normally, and she said yes and advised me to ignore it, assuring me that there was Ativan on hand if it got too bad.

I was stringing beads and continually noting how I felt like I had drunk an entire pot of coffee, when Shelby suddenly turned to me, grabbed my face, looked at me dreamily for a moment, and then started kissing me sweetly. I kissed back, surprised, and grinned when she let me go.

"Well that was unusual," I said, smiling. "You're not normally that sweet."

"I feel happy," she said, smiling back. "This is probably how you guys feel all the time "- I nodded in agreement -" but I have depressed brain chemistry. I wish I could be like that but I'm just not. This is me with enough serotonin. I'd take an SSRI but they mess up your sex life."

There had been some discussion of fruit earlier in the day, Aiden telling us to make a fruit platter when we went to the grocery store and Shelby explaining that fruit is somehow extremely amazing on E. So we got fruit. Aiden decided to cook some rice and make fruit sushi, so while Shelby and I discussed brain chemistry, he got out the sushi things and started constructing. I went over to watch, and tried a piece of the first roll. It was salty, not fruity at all, slightly fishy, and so sticky it glued my mouth shut.

"Blech," I said, without even thinking. I made a face, spit the sushi out in my hand, and dumped it in the garbage. "What the hell happened? That's awful. I can't eat that. I need to rinse my mouth." After rinsing my mouth, I thought about what I had just said. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "My manners aren't usually that bad. I didn't mean anything personal. But damn, that was just disgusting."

Aiden shrugged, and Shelby laughed. "It'll do that," she said. "You'll just blurt things out and then go, Oh, oh gosh, I'm so sorry I said that." Her description was accompanied with an intensity that I've never seen from her before. She's usually relatively inexpressive when speaking, and to see her lean in and speak with passion was new.

The honesty was a feeling. I said I could tell that if someone asked me a question, I would just spout off without censoring a single word.

Aiden got quiet and "contemplative" - unusual for him. I tried not to be concerned, deliberately keeping an awareness of the fact that his being quiet makes me worry, and just because I'm worrying doesn't mean anything is actually wrong. I restrained my concern to merely asking if he was all right a couple of times.

Shelby and I, on the other hand, couldn't stop talking. I've never in my life been so compelled to expel so many words. I couldn't stop, except to listen to Shelby. Between the two of us, there was no silence for several hours. Everything that entered my brain exited immediately via my mouth, shortcutting the usual judgment circuit.

Aiden had explained the therapeutic part of the effect, where a person can address their problems from an outside perspective without their own emotional baggage in the way, and now I understand what that means. For me, it was like the emotion generator was just unplugged from the rest of the system. We all expressed ourselves with complete and brutal honesty on quite a few topics, and none of us were at all insulted or perturbed. Everything was just interesting in an academic way.

I made a pot of Earl Grey, Shelby seeded a pomegranate, and the three of us had a tea party in the living room. We sat on cushions around a coffee table and talked and talked and talked. I noted that this was way better than acid, and it wasn't what I was expecting but it was great, and I felt like I could do it all night.

There was little in the way of physical effects. My body felt normal except for the slight buzz, which had subsided from "entire twelve-cup pot of coffee in ten minutes" to "maybe three lattes was too many in three hours."

Eventually the tea party ended and we returned to beading. A weird note of bitterness appeared in my head, and I guessed that my emotions were starting to be plugged back in. I was concerned about some things that had been said, but I focused on my beading and kept quiet. The silence was another clue that I was coming back to normal. Shortly after that we went to bed, and I was glad to find sleep waiting not far away.

The next morning, when the alarm went off, Shelby and I were instantaneously wide awake and ready to bounce into the day. Aiden was still logey, barely opening his eyes to our prodding and biting. "I just want you to care," Shelby said, and even that didn't rouse him. I still felt a little buzzy and a little more honest than usual. I wondered how long it would last.

A couple of hours later on, the buzz had disappeared, and over dinner I noted that things were now crossing my mind and only sometimes choosing to exit orally. I also realized that half the time I didn't say things I was thinking, it was because Aiden was already chattering about something.

This morning I woke up tired, having not gotten enough sleep. On my drive to work, I thought about the things that had come up that bothered me, and found myself fighting anxiety and depression. Shelby had warned me that some people get a day or two of depressive after-effect. I messaged Aiden and asked if he had ever found it difficult to process anything that came up, and he said no. But it turned out Shelby and I were both reacting to issues this morning.

Discussion of their having given up pot for me turned into a weight of guilt and panic on me, and discussion of how Shelby abuses her power as the breadwinner when angry with Aiden made her feel like he secretly hated her. We really could have used another day to just hang out and cuddle, but two-day weekends don't allow for two days of recovery. Fortunately this is only a three-day work week, since Thanksgiving is Thursday.

Overall, I'd say that rolling was much more enjoyable than tripping on acid, even accounting for the weird panicky after-effects, and I'd be more inclined to do it again. I do hope that I can eventually experience the other body effects, too, as they sound really entertaining.

Aiden also mentioned "candy-flipping," a name that I don't understand for doing acid and E at the same time. I'm not sure what that would do except possibly give me a heart attack from too many stimulants.