Downhill Slide Starting

Here is where it happens, that which I never expected: it goes downhill. Kevin has been driving me crazy the last week or two, even though he's not really acting any different than he always has. I know it's me; I'm taking a different view of it, but I can't help the annoyance.

As an example...he and I are both pro-gun persons. I could talk anyone's ear off about that if they wished, but I'll spare you for the moment in favor of not distracting myself. When we met, it was one of our mutual enthusiasms, and is something we still share, but I've finally grown tired of putting up with something I've been ignoring to the point of convincing myself it was unimportant. The first few times he joked about killing people who annoyed him, I laughed - after all, haven't we all had the urge to just deck the hell out of somebody stupid?

After a while I realized he wasn't joking, but it still didn't bother me too much. I figured that if it came right down to actually shooting someone, he would do what most people would do and chicken out. But the more he talks, the more I'm forced to admit that he would not only go through with killing someone and successfully hiding the body, but he would relish it and be proud of his accomplisment. He would brag to me expecting me to be proud of and happy for him. And I would report him to the police. Knowing him as I do, I realize it's highly likely that he would get away from said police, and I would have to go on the run. I don't need my life going that way.

What finally forced me to make this realization out loud was Aiden. We went to lunch yesterday while he was on break from work, and afterwards just sat in my car in the parking lot and talked.

"Kevin has made it very clear," I told Aiden, "That anyone who lays a hand on me will be shot."

"Shot?" His eyebrows slid to one side in a look of combination disapproval and doubt.

"Yes. And I believe him."

"That's...a sign of something unhealthy," he said, trying to express his concern without looking like he was trying to manipulate me. I know that little dance. I've done it more than once. "I mean, that's an okay outlook if it's a big-brother type of relationship, but in a romantic partnership, that's really overprotective. It says he doesn't trust you or your friends."

I couldn't think of anything to say because it hit me at that moment that he was right. Kevin's outlook on other people has bothered me to a certain extent for quite a while. It's not about me - he's a huge teddy bear to me, a complete sweetheart. He would do quite literally anything for me. But when it comes to most other people, he has absolutely no respect, tolerance, or understanding. He's inconsistent about a lot of things, all of which I will get into eventually but not right now. Some days I swear he has a touch of schizo in him.

I've quite suddenly had to face all of this - that he's inconsistent, intolerant, insecure, potentially violent (though not with me), and doesn't trust anyone. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't expect anyone to be happy if they found out I was being unfaithful...but I should not so easily be able to picture the world being turned upside-down while I tried to defend Aiden against a psychotic gun-slinging Kevin. That's out of balance, but I have no doubt it would happen. At that point, it would no longer be choosing boyfriend A or boyfriend B. It would come down, very simply, to defending a close friend against a psychopath, when it's my fault that the psychopath is after them in the first place. Referencing what I said two posts ago about being a bodyguard, it's an obvious choice.

I was talking with my best girl tonight, Wren, and when I told her I was starting to get pissed off at Kevin, she told me that's what has always happened to her when she's cheated; the stable relationship immediately starts to degrade. As much as I didn't want to hear that, I can't deny that it's happening. I want to. But I've fooled myself into believing enough shit before this, and it's only made things more difficult. Since I managed to admit what was going on with Aiden as soon as I suspected it, though, I'd like to think I'm learning, at least not to fool myself. I'm not sure how much that will help me, though. Kevin doesn't understand why I'm being so distant all of a sudden, but I've been through what would happen if I told him, so obviously that's not an option.

As long as I'm admitting things, a small - very small - part of me is hoping he'll find out somehow. But not really. I really don't need the action-movie sequence of guns, chasing, and cars that could easily result in one or more of our deaths. Adrenaline junkie I may be, but interested in getting my friends killed I am not.

So it has come down to this: I'm trapped and it never occurred to me to notice until now. I'm stuck between a suddenly-sinking great relationship and a married man with a kid, and if I'm suddenly possessed to be honest about these certain goings-on, people could actually get killed. Why did I fool myself into thinking that somewhere underneath the psychotic facade, Kevin was perfectly sane? Everyone who knows him will tell you immediately that's he fucking nuts, but it never occurred to me that it could get me, or my friends, in trouble. Every complicated situation has always got to add another level of complicated just when I think it might be manageable.