An Answer to a Question

It's been a long few days. I went to my mom's house on Thursday night, because Aiden and Shelby had house guests, and I couldn't just go home and pretend everything was fine. Alejandra came over and hung out with us too.

On Friday morning, I left early to get back in time for my physical therapy appointment. I was sick with anxiety from the moment I woke up, but I made it through the appointment. As I was leaving, Aiden told me the guests were still there, having a leisurely breakfast. I said I would wait, and drove to the library. My phone needed a charge, though, so I had to stay in the car with it so I wouldn't miss him telling me when they left. I used the time to study, difficult though it was to focus on the book.

Eventually he told me they were leaving...and that Shelby was staying home from work. I told him that, in that case, I was not going to come home at all. I'd made it clear that I needed to talk to him and him alone before I spoke with her or anyone else. She messaged me and told me the guests had gone and I could come home, saying she had had to stay home from work because her anxiety was so bad she couldn't drive and needed me to talk to her right then. I said I had already told her that I would speak to her when she returned from work, and that was not going to change. She said she would appreciate a little more respect for her feelings and accused me of changing the plan on her, and I politely told her to stuff it, that the change of plans was hers and not mine, and I was not responsible for her feelings.

I hoped Aiden would get the idea to leave the house and find me, but he didn't, so I asked if he would. He walked up to the library and found me under the pergola in the garden. After a long hug, I handed him my phone and had him read the article about emotional abuse, followed by my last blog entry.

Long story short, he understood what I was telling him and agreed that things really were that bad. I told him I was leaving and that the choice to stay or go was his, but admitted that the selfish side of me was really hoping he'd come with me. He moved the conversation on to, "So where are we going to find a bed?" and then to, "What next?"

I told him my plan was to go home and announce to Shelby that I was leaving and why, and that how he played into that conversation was up to him. I shared my two biggest concerns, that (one) Shelby would hoover him effectively, because he believes the best of everyone to a fault, and that (two) I would follow him right back into something I didn't want, because I have a history of doing pretty stupid things to be with him.

We went back to the house and found Shelby in bed.

My end of the conversation happened exactly as I hoped it would. I said everything I needed to say and managed not to chicken out and sugar-coat anything. I told her that our relationship was over because I couldn't respect her as a person, having watched her shit all over the man I love and his kid. She took responsibility, breaking down and saying that she knows she's a terrible person and needs help and doesn't know why she does those things. She also said that maybe we should have confronted her about it.

"I have," I said, staring her in the eyes until she looked away. "Multiple times. You promised to change, and all you've done is get worse."

"Oh," she said, staring at the quilt. She offered to get help, then asked if I was leaving anyway. I told her I was, but that shouldn't stop her from getting the help she needs.

"If you guys aren't here," she said, "I won't get help. I'm not trying to be manipulative. I just know I won't. You guys are my whole world, and if you're gone, there's nothing left for me here. I won't have any reason to do anything."

"If she took a mental health vacation, would you give her another chance?" Aiden asked me.

"What is that?" I asked.

"If she moved in with her grandparents for a month and went to therapy three times a week, and really did the work she needs to do. Would you give her another chance?"

"No."

He made me repeat the "no" so many times that I ran out of willpower and couldn't say it anymore. I lay down on the bed and just didn't answer his questions. I had driven the nail home and was tired of swinging the hammer, and he just kept pulling it out and asking me to drive it in again.

"Can I take you guys to dinner and a movie, to apologize?" Shelby asked. "You don't have to accept the apology. You can just enjoy the dinner." We got Vietnamese food downtown and then went to see Captain America: Civil War (the irony was lost on none of us).

In the few days since Friday, Shelby has been putting on a flawlessly angelic performance. She stayed home while Aiden and I went to ref a game on Saturday night, and spent the evening cleaning the house. She made breakfast, lunch, and dinner for us on Sunday, something I have never seen her do before. She joined us in the garage one evening, even though we were cleaning a carburetor and stank atrociously of gasoline.

On Sunday night, she said she wanted to have sex, and I grabbed my iPod and went to bed in the spare room. After a few minutes, Aiden came and found me and asked what I was doing, and was shortly joined by Shelby.

"I don't belong in your bed," I explained to her. "It's not up to me what you two do, but you and I no longer have that relationship, and I want nothing to do with it."

"I know," she said with a sigh.

"I've never felt like I belong here," I said.

"I don't understand that," Aiden protested. "What makes you feel like you don't belong?"

"I already told you I can't answer that succinctly," I said. "We had this conversation earlier."

"I've heard you say that before," Shelby said. "That you don't fit in. I can tell that you want to be free."

Aiden asked if it was really that bad.

"When things are good," I said, "It's okay here, sure. But I don't want my life to just be okay. I want my life to be awesome."

"I know you can put on a smile and be nice to me," Shelby said, "But honestly, I'm pretty scared of how angry you are at me."

"Honestly, you should be," I said.

After a few minutes she went off to bed, telling me that I could come and join if I liked. Aiden stayed kneeling on the floor beside me.

"Please come to bed," he said.

"No," I answered. "Why do you keep asking me over and over, like I'm going to change my mind?"

"It's not that I think you'll change your mind," he said. "It's that...I think she's really trying, and if I could just..."

"...have a little more time?" I finished, and he nodded. "Because even when it's good," I answered, "I'm not happy here."

If I wait a month to see what happens, not only am I giving Shelby false hope, I'm taking a terrible gamble: 50% chance she slips and makes Aiden's decision easy, or 50% chance she makes the progress he wants to see, I'm still unhappy, and the whole thing is even harder on everyone.

He asked me on Monday if I thought he was being too optimistic.

"I have told you that about yourself, haven't I?" I said. He nodded. I let that stand as my answer, explaining to a friend in a text message later that, "If I say he's being overly optimistic, I'm just being manipulative and trying to get him to come with me."

"I find it hard to believe," came the reply, "That she's transformed from someone angelic six years ago to the person you described to me. Manipulative people tend to be that way intrinsically. As for telling Aiden you think he's being too optimistic? It's only being manipulative yourself if you're trying to persuade him. It's fair to say, That's how I feel, but you have to decide for yourself."

Shelby has been talking about things like going on vacation, getting a kitten, and letting Aiden insure his motorcycle on her policy. All I can think is, I smell a hoover. I can't judge who she was when they met, having not met her myself until several years later. What I will say is that in my experience, her number one defining quality is inconsistency. Name almost any topic, and I've heard her play both sides. She insists on one thing and a day later insists on its opposite. She makes clear statements and then denies that she said them, or questions the sanity or motives of the person questioning her. One day she loves a thing or a person, and the next day she hates them. She takes excellent and patient care of people who pay her to do so, and is a royal bitch to those she claims to care about personally. I've seen the good person, and I've seen more than enough of the bad one.

Perhaps she was different when they met. What I suspect is actually the case, and of course I am only speculating, is that Shelby put on a good performance, and Aiden overlooked any and all signs of imperfection because hers were better than Lily's. Everything I have read on the subject and everyone I have talked to have told me that abusiveness is a personality trait, and that people who have it are very good at hiding it when they feel a need. That skill is so universal that common advice tells couples who have abuse problems not to go to couples counseling, because abusers are that likely to manipulate even therapists.

I think it's an act, quite possibly one with which Shelby is fooling even herself. Maybe I'm wrong. Either way, it's time for me to go.