Starting to learn about this game from the other "side of the fence," as Bruce calls it, has restarted my learning in general. Some time ago, I looked for information about being a good sub, and there was a surprising dearth of it. It seems I was looking in the wrong places, as I'm now learning almost as much about bottoming as I am about topping.
I'm not sure exactly what went wrong or when; it was a process. But I let it take me to a negative headspace that I'm only now starting to see. I don't have the words to draw anyone else a picture of it yet. It's not that clear even to me. I will say that I let a lot of things happen that I shouldn't have.
I don't refer to boundary pushing, at least not in its usual sense. I'm not saying that Aiden has pushed me too hard. I enjoy testing the limits, and it has nothing to do with having gone "too far" in any given activity. It's a switch in my head, like the switch that puts the train on the left or right set of railroad tracks, that's sometimes just wrong.
When the switch is in the right place, I can be pushed hard and far and things will probably go well. When it's not, even the smallest thing will shove me off in the wrong emotional direction, and I don't stop and correct. I roll with it, waiting to see where it goes until it crashes into disaster, because that's the only place it has ever gone, the only place I know how to reach.
It feels strange, realizing I need to back way up and almost start over, but I think that's the necessary correction. I think I need to safeword out of that headspace the next time I feel it, to prove to myself that I don't have to go there and to start building a new pathway over the old one.
The question is, will I remember at that time that I decided this choice is important?
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