I Want

I want you.

I want you to want me.

I want you desperate, and desperately.

I want to tell you no and have you ignore me.

I want to do bad things with you, things that we shouldn't be doing. I want you to do bad things to me.

I want to be afraid. Of getting caught, of falling, of getting in too deep. Of you and your twisted mind. I can't emerge from the water until I've been under it.

Make it last.

I want you to take what's yours, and what's mine. Ignore my silly arguments. Tell me how it is. Tell me I can take it or leave it, but the things on the table are what they are.

Push me. Challenge me. Make me.

I want to go where we aren't allowed. I want to be a breath away from getting caught.

I want to know that there are consequences.

I want you to take a stand.

I want to dare.

I want you.

Sparky Is Dead

I drove Shelby home from my own town the other night, and we had a remarkable stream of Productive Conversation the whole time. We talked about lots of things over the course of the hour-plus drive, but the moment that sticks in my head was something she said while making the point that she sees Aiden as a very mutable person who sometimes mysteriously forgets who he used to be.

"He asked me the other day, Skylar wants me to be more dominant and I don't really understand...how do I do that?"

For a moment I was speechless, before blurting out something like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Sir has forgotten who he was. My dom - uncapitalized not in error - lost the spark. I saw it going, but I actually managed to have a little faith for once and decided he was just doing it to tease me.

See where faith has gotten me. Maybe being a cynical bitch all the time would be less disappointing.

He made some effort this weekend in the direction of being rougher with me, but I don't know how he's going to pull this one out. If there's one thing in which I have to have absolute trust, it's that my Dom knows what he's doing and has a plan. If he's just lost and wandering, I'm not going to put myself in his hands.

The whole assertive, confident, cocky Dom thing was what made him so exciting in the first place. Adrenaline and intrigue are what I got hooked on. And without that...I don't think there's a whole lot of attraction left.

Shelby said she got over losing her respect for him. She says that about most disappointments - "Yeah, I was angry. And then I got over it." I don't have that. I can't just give up. If I really do lose all the respect I've ever possessed for him, it'll be over. If he's no longer interested in my submission, or in being my Dom, I'll be heartbroken. And I'll go away.

I'm worried about where it's all going. Maybe moving in with them is a mistake. At least I know where I stand with Shelby; she and I have a pretty steady boat most of the time. Aiden's changing just puzzles the hell out of me. I don't understand what happened, and honestly, I'm kind of afraid to hear the answer.

Of all the places I could've imagined us ending up, "slow boring death of passion" wasn't one of them.

Random vs. Seldom

As good as the sex is with Aiden, sometimes I realize it's become a little normal and I'm itching for that extra something...the pain, the fear, the "unpleasant" things that make it so much sweeter. I was prodding him last night via instant message, and he told me, "Random reinforcement, doll."

"I have a hard time with random when it's also seldom," I replied. Not every sexual encounter has to be kinky. Vanilla is a flavor, after all; it isn't a blank sheet of paper. But when it becomes a little sprinkling of kink on a background of vanilla, I get twitchy.

One of the things I found most exciting when we got together was the taste of upcoming exploration. Sometimes it feels like he's forgotten about that. That's when I poke and prod and get annoying and bratty, and eventually escalate to spanking him just to get retribution. He's so hot when he gets that angry glint in his eye.