When someone else acts this way with me it drives me nuts, and I find myself saying things like, "I don't understand why this person is acting that way!" In fact, I think I understand quite well, and it's so close to my face I can't focus on it. The ugliest revelation to accept is self-reflection. I'm looking in a mirror and not liking what I see. I was proud of myself for having opened up so thoroughly in my relationship with Aiden and expressed everything I was thinking and feeling, but now I'm realizing that the whole process required for that to happen was unique to that relationship and doesn't translate to any other locale.
In the interest of bettering myself and not being a hypocrite, here's some clarity, because I wish I had some more access to clarity myself:
Aiden, when you decided not to come with me, I was completely crushed. Had you changed your mind the next day, I would've taken you back and been on top of the world; I was too blinded by pain to understand the problems with that situation. Once I had some time to realize I was going to survive, I also realized that the way you made that decision illustrated exactly why we shouldn't be partners. Since we got together, I spent a lot of effort trying to help you bust out; my role in life is to be the X factor, to fly into others' lives and shake them up and add a wild card. You always talked big and said that you were interested in the adventures I craved, but when it came right down to it, eight times out of ten I was left disappointed when you chose safety over freedom and the known quantity over the unknown one. In offering you a new start, I gave you one last chance to jump off the cliff and fly; and you turned it down.
I can't say there isn't a second chance, because in fact there have been many. However, I can say with absolute certainty that there isn't another one. Jerking me around because you're too much of a coward to take an opportunity when it's offered is not fair to me, and you won't get another chance to do it. I'm sick of waiting for you. I'll find someone else who's not afraid of their own shadow, or I'll go on my own damn adventure. Either option is better than waiting indefinitely for change where there isn't any.
You asked why I act like I hate you, and my answer to that is: give me one reason I should like you right now.
I answer your messages because there isn't any particular reason to be rude to you. You've never been rude to me, and out of respect for that fact I will return the courtesy. I also want to keep a civil relationship with you for practical reasons, as we belong to the same league and need to be able to work together for everyone's sake. However, I don't have much interest in spending time with you or chatting for the sake of chatting. The energy you want from me is energy that I need to put toward other activities and other relationships. You had your chance with me, and you chose to end our relationship. If you regret that choice, it's not my problem. I deserve the space to find what I want and need in life.
Maybe a little of it is PTSD; I ripped my heart out trying to save my last relationship and got it stepped on. If that were to happen again so soon I'm not sure I could take it.
On the other hand, I didn't think I could take the end of that relationship either, and I was wrong. If there's one thing I've learned from all this it's that I'll be okay no matter what happens.
Returning to the first hand, though, if I destroy enough of my support mechanisms even I will have to crumble eventually, when there's nothing left to hold me up. Maybe waiting for the table to grow a few more legs before doing surgery on one of them is the better plan.
There's that fear thing again. "Can't let the table collapse, I might fucking die." I won't fucking die. I walked out on the bridge, and then I walked back again. I have a lot of new scars but I'm still here.
It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.
My heroes: Tyler Durden, Harley Quinn, and Deadpool.
